(I work in a pet store, and only one staff member is male. We also have a chatty Amazon parrot.)

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “Does the parrot say anything?”

Me: “Yes! He can say many things! Greetings and lots of random nonsense!”

(I wave at the parrot and he responds by saying ‘buh bye,’ and basically setting him off on a chatting rampage.)

Customer: “I thought you said it was a he?”

(I stare at the customer, somewhat confused.)

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Well… that’s clearly a woman’s voice!”

(I just stand there for a moment before explaining the principle behind parrots speaking. Needless to say, the customer was sort of embarrassed as he left.)

(For the past few days, I’ve tried to tickle my girlfriend, but she hasn’t laughed. One night after work, I barely touch her stomach and she reacts.)

Me: “Why is it that when I try to tickle you, you don’t respond, but when I don’t try, you freak out?”

Girlfriend: “Because!”

Me: “Because why?”

Girlfriend: “Because, because!”

Me: “Because, because why?”

Girlfriend: “Because, because, because!”

Me: “…because, because, because why?”

Girlfriend: “Because, because, because, because!”

Me: “…Because, because, because, because WHY?!”

(Suddenly, my girlfriend breaks out into song.)

Girlfriend: “Because, because, because, because, becaaaaaaause! Because of the wonderful things he does! Bum-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-bum! We’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz!“

(I am talking about my zombie preparedness plan. My girlfriend is a really bad runner, and also kind of clumsy, so she wouldn’t have much of a chance against the undead.)

Girlfriend: “If there was a zombie apocalypse, I would sprinkle myself with salt and pepper.”

Liars & Scammers Themed Giveaway Roundup! Here’s a final roundup of stories from last month’s themed giveaway!

1. He’s The Best Actor Of The Bunch (3,379 thumbs up)
2. Hasn’t Got A Leg To Stand On (2,068 thumbs up)
3. Putting Your Son Into A Sweet Disposition (2,953 thumbs up)
4. Some Like It Not Hot (2,521 thumbs up)
5. Demanding Understanding (2,445 thumbs up)

PS #1: check out our Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

(I work night shift at a local chain convenience store, so I see many different people come in. One customer in particular is very drunk.)

Me: “Hello, sir. How are you doing tonight?”

(The customer just grunts and puts his items on the counter. I ring them up.)

Me: “Okay, your total is [amount].”

(The customer swipes his card.)

Me: “Sir, your card was declined.”

Customer: “Bull-s***! I know I have enough. Try it again!”

(He proceeds to swipe it again and like before, it is declined.)

Me: “Sir, it’s still declining.”

Customer: “F***! Again!”

(This repeats four more times, meanwhile a line has started to form behind him.)

Me: “Sir, do you have another form of payment?”

Customer: “I shouldn’t need it, because I have money on my f****** card!”

(He goes through his wallet anyway. His face falls and then he starts laughing.)

Me: “Sir?”

Customer: “I was using the wrong d*** card! Here ya go.”

(He hands me the card and I run it through. It’s approved, and his receipt prints.)

Me: “Okay, sir. Have a good night!”

(I smile as he grabs his bag and leaves. I turn to the next customer in line.)

Next Customer: “Long night, huh?”

Me: “You have no idea.”