(I’m a waitress at a local diner that has new owners. I’ve worked there for nearly three years, for the previous owners, without any issue. It is a few weeks after the new owners take over, and my best friend passes away suddenly. I call work to tell them I won’t be in the next day, as I have to take care of things until her family can arrive from out of state.)

Owner: “Wait, so you’re not coming in tonight?”

Me: “No. I mean, not tonight. I don’t work tonight. I work tomorrow, at 11. I won’t be in, though; I’m sorry. [Coworker] said she’d cover for me, though.”

Owner: “You can’t just miss your shift. You need a doctor’s note.”

Me: “I’m not sick. My best friend just died.”

(I’m clearly upset, and have been crying for hours.)

Owner: “Oh. Well, I’m sorry, but if you’re going to miss work, I’m going to have to write you up.”

Me: “What?”

Owner: “Yeah. I mean, you’re not really giving me any notice, here. I need at least three days.”

Me: “So… your policy is that I have to give you notice three days before someone dies?”

Owner: “Yes!”

(I found another job soon after. Some time later, I learned that the owners had to shut down because they’d run off all of their good help and loyal customers with their crazy ways!)

(For the past few days, I’ve tried to tickle my girlfriend, but she hasn’t laughed. One night after work, I barely touch her stomach and she reacts.)

Me: “Why is it that when I try to tickle you, you don’t respond, but when I don’t try, you freak out?”

Girlfriend: “Because!”

Me: “Because why?”

Girlfriend: “Because, because!”

Me: “Because, because why?”

Girlfriend: “Because, because, because!”

Me: “…because, because, because why?”

Girlfriend: “Because, because, because, because!”

Me: “…Because, because, because, because WHY?!”

(Suddenly, my girlfriend breaks out into song.)

Girlfriend: “Because, because, because, because, becaaaaaaause! Because of the wonderful things he does! Bum-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-bum! We’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz!“

Liars & Scammers Themed Giveaway Roundup! Here’s a final roundup of stories from last month’s themed giveaway!

1. He’s The Best Actor Of The Bunch (3,379 thumbs up)
2. Hasn’t Got A Leg To Stand On (2,068 thumbs up)
3. Putting Your Son Into A Sweet Disposition (2,953 thumbs up)
4. Some Like It Not Hot (2,521 thumbs up)
5. Demanding Understanding (2,445 thumbs up)

PS #1: check out our Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

(I work in a pet store, and only one staff member is male. We also have a chatty Amazon parrot.)

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “Does the parrot say anything?”

Me: “Yes! He can say many things! Greetings and lots of random nonsense!”

(I wave at the parrot and he responds by saying ‘buh bye,’ and basically setting him off on a chatting rampage.)

Customer: “I thought you said it was a he?”

(I stare at the customer, somewhat confused.)

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Well… that’s clearly a woman’s voice!”

(I just stand there for a moment before explaining the principle behind parrots speaking. Needless to say, the customer was sort of embarrassed as he left.)

(I am talking about my zombie preparedness plan. My girlfriend is a really bad runner, and also kind of clumsy, so she wouldn’t have much of a chance against the undead.)

Girlfriend: “If there was a zombie apocalypse, I would sprinkle myself with salt and pepper.”