(I am talking to my five-year-old son.)

Me: “Can you and your brother stay at my friend’s house for a few hours while Dad and I go out on a date?”

Five-Year-Old Son: “Where are you going?”

Me: “Brooklyn.”

Five-Year-Old Son: “You go all the way to Brooklyn to have a date?”

Me: “Uhm… yeah!”

Five-Year-Old Son: “Why can’t you guys just date in your room and lock your door? We’re not going to bother you. [Older Brother] and I are just gonna play Wii.”

Me: *to myself* “What kind of dates are kids going on these days?!”

(My fiancé and I have gone for a late night coffee run. We’re walking back to the car.)

Me: “Thanks for coffee, love! That was fun.”

Fiancé: “You’re welco—”

(I let out a long and loud burp.)

Fiancé: “Wow, babe…”

Me: “Let me sing you the song of my people?”

(Some coworkers and I are sitting in the break room eating lunch. I’m lactose intolerant, but love cheese, so I bring a couple of over-the-counter pills in a plastic bag to take with my meal and prevent horrible consequences. You’re supposed to take the pills with your first bite of food, so I already have my meal in front of me when I realize the bag with the pills has disappeared from the top of the table. I look around and spot the now empty bag sitting next to a coworker.)

Me: “Is that the bag my pills were in? Where are the pills?”

Coworker: “Were those yours? I thought they were supplements, so I took them.”

Me: “They’re digestive supplements for people with lactose intolerance. Wait a minute: you took random pills from a plastic bag and you didn’t know what they were or who left them there?!”

(As I say this, the whole table is looking at my coworker like she’s nuts.)

Coworker: “Well how was I supposed to know what I was doing?”

Me: “We’re nurses!”

(I’m a waitress at a local diner that has new owners. I’ve worked there for nearly three years, for the previous owners, without any issue. It is a few weeks after the new owners take over, and my best friend passes away suddenly. I call work to tell them I won’t be in the next day, as I have to take care of things until her family can arrive from out of state.)

Owner: “Wait, so you’re not coming in tonight?”

Me: “No. I mean, not tonight. I don’t work tonight. I work tomorrow, at 11. I won’t be in, though; I’m sorry. [Coworker] said she’d cover for me, though.”

Owner: “You can’t just miss your shift. You need a doctor’s note.”

Me: “I’m not sick. My best friend just died.”

(I’m clearly upset, and have been crying for hours.)

Owner: “Oh. Well, I’m sorry, but if you’re going to miss work, I’m going to have to write you up.”

Me: “What?”

Owner: “Yeah. I mean, you’re not really giving me any notice, here. I need at least three days.”

Me: “So… your policy is that I have to give you notice three days before someone dies?”

Owner: “Yes!”

(I found another job soon after. Some time later, I learned that the owners had to shut down because they’d run off all of their good help and loyal customers with their crazy ways!)

(I work in telephone banking for a major bank. In our system, we can see all of the customer’s call history, from wait time, last 20 calls, who the customer spoke to, and any notes left by previous bankers.)

Me: “Hello and welcome to [Bank]; my name is [Name]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Oh, thank f*** for that! Do you know how long I’ve been waiting? 35 f****** minutes! And all I wanted to do was check my balance on my credit card!”

(I can clearly see the customer has waited a total of 25 seconds from the start of his call to speak to me.)

Me: “I’m so sorry about any wait there, but you have come through fully identified, so thank you for putting in your customer number and access code. Now before I can—”

Customer: “Now you just f****** wait a minute. I’ve been waiting 35 minutes to speak to you, and you aren’t even going to apologize for making me wait? What kind of f****** s*** customer service are you lot running there? Huh?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir; I did apologize for the wait that you experienced and I—”

Customer: “Get your f****** manager now! I don’t have to deal with this! I demand compensation for my time and phone charges! Get your manager!”

(I put the customer on hold and signal for a manager to take an escalated call. While I wait for my manager to arrive, I look at the customer history. I see that the customer has been with us for five years. He seems to call twice a year, and almost always demands to speak to a manager, repeatedly demanding compensation. He has been told by our relations department that they will not compensate him further because he has been given close to $2000 in refunded interest on his credit card over the five years. There is a special note from the head of the relations department simply saying ‘if customer threatens to close accounts, process request. Do not attempt win-back.’ I recap the call so far to my manager, and advise him about the notes from the relations department as well. Total wait for the caller has now been two minutes.)

Manager: “Hello, sir, my name is [Name] and I’m a manager. How can I help?”

Customer: “Well, hasn’t that taken you a f****** lifetime to answer?! I’m sick of this s***! I demand that I have interest repaid to my credit card or I’ll close all my accounts!”

Manager: “Sir, I’m not going to be able to repay the interest for you, as you’ve already had close to $2000 refunded to you over the past—”

Customer: “Well, then close my accounts! Close them now! If you can’t fulfill a simple request like that, f*** you and [Bank]! I’ll take my business elsewhere.”

Manager: “Sir, just so I have it clear: you are formally requesting for me to close out your accounts with [Bank] right now?”

Customer: “That’s what I f***** said; you people just—”

Manager: “Okay, sir, as requested all your accounts are now closed. The amount you had owing on your credit card has been automatically paid from your everyday account, leaving you a balance of $52.16, which I’ll post out to you as a check. I’m sorry you’ve chosen to leave [Bank], but I hope you have a wonderful day.”

Customer: “YOU CLOSED MY ACCOUNTS?! BUT I—”

Manager: “You requested for them to be close on a recorded phone call where you were asked to confirm your wishes. You aren’t scamming anymore FREE money from [Bank].”

Customer: “I…”

Manager: “Hello?”

Customer: *defeated* “I… err… I’ll… I’ll wait for my check.” *click*