Sister: “Ugh, walking in high heels is really hard!”
Dad: “I wouldn’t know.”
Me: “You’re saying you haven’t worn high heels?”
Dad: “Not that I can remember, no.”
Me: “Because I recall you saying something about wearing fishnet tights for a fancy dress party, and if you weren’t wearing high heels as well you were doing it wrong!”
(One of my best friends has been having trouble with telemarketers calling his cell phone for almost a year now. No matter how many times he tells them that he’s not interested or that he’s on the national ‘Do Not Call’ registry, they keep calling back. One day the two of us are at a bar, and he gets a call from an unknown number.)
Friend: “Oh no, not another one.”
Me: “Hand me your phone. I’ll take care of it.”
(He hands me his phone, which I then answer.)
Telemarketer: “Hello, may I speak with a Mr. [Name]?”
Me: “You’re talking to him.”
Telemarketer: “Hi, I’m with [Resort Chain]. I’m calling to give you information about—”
Me: “Ma’am, I’m 16, single, and don’t have a credit card.”
Telemarketer: “Have a nice day.” *hangs up*
(My friend stares at me dumbfounded as I hand him his phone back.)
Friend: “Why did you say all of that?”
Me: “I used to work for a call center. Being unqualified takes you off the list faster than the national registry does.”
(It’s been three years, and he hasn’t had a call since.)
(I work in telephone banking for a major bank. In our system, we can see all of the customer’s call history, from wait time, last 20 calls, who the customer spoke to, and any notes left by previous bankers.)
Me: “Hello and welcome to [Bank]; my name is [Name]. How can I help you today?”
Customer: “Oh, thank f*** for that! Do you know how long I’ve been waiting? 35 f****** minutes! And all I wanted to do was check my balance on my credit card!”
(I can clearly see the customer has waited a total of 25 seconds from the start of his call to speak to me.)
Me: “I’m so sorry about any wait there, but you have come through fully identified, so thank you for putting in your customer number and access code. Now before I can—”
Customer: “Now you just f****** wait a minute. I’ve been waiting 35 minutes to speak to you, and you aren’t even going to apologize for making me wait? What kind of f****** s*** customer service are you lot running there? Huh?”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir; I did apologize for the wait that you experienced and I—”
Customer: “Get your f****** manager now! I don’t have to deal with this! I demand compensation for my time and phone charges! Get your manager!”
(I put the customer on hold and signal for a manager to take an escalated call. While I wait for my manager to arrive, I look at the customer history. I see that the customer has been with us for five years. He seems to call twice a year, and almost always demands to speak to a manager, repeatedly demanding compensation. He has been told by our relations department that they will not compensate him further because he has been given close to $2000 in refunded interest on his credit card over the five years. There is a special note from the head of the relations department simply saying ‘if customer threatens to close accounts, process request. Do not attempt win-back.’ I recap the call so far to my manager, and advise him about the notes from the relations department as well. Total wait for the caller has now been two minutes.)
Manager: “Hello, sir, my name is [Name] and I’m a manager. How can I help?”
Customer: “Well, hasn’t that taken you a f****** lifetime to answer?! I’m sick of this s***! I demand that I have interest repaid to my credit card or I’ll close all my accounts!”
Manager: “Sir, I’m not going to be able to repay the interest for you, as you’ve already had close to $2000 refunded to you over the past—”
Customer: “Well, then close my accounts! Close them now! If you can’t fulfill a simple request like that, f*** you and [Bank]! I’ll take my business elsewhere.”
Manager: “Sir, just so I have it clear: you are formally requesting for me to close out your accounts with [Bank] right now?”
Customer: “That’s what I f***** said; you people just—”
Manager: “Okay, sir, as requested all your accounts are now closed. The amount you had owing on your credit card has been automatically paid from your everyday account, leaving you a balance of $52.16, which I’ll post out to you as a check. I’m sorry you’ve chosen to leave [Bank], but I hope you have a wonderful day.”
Customer: “YOU CLOSED MY ACCOUNTS?! BUT I—”
Manager: “You requested for them to be close on a recorded phone call where you were asked to confirm your wishes. You aren’t scamming anymore FREE money from [Bank].”
Customer: “I…”
Manager: “Hello?”
Customer: *defeated* “I… err… I’ll… I’ll wait for my check.” *click*
(It’s a particularly busy day in our bank, and I’m working the drive through window. I have a long line of cars waiting, when I hear a customer in line start shouting across the lobby at the other tellers in front.)
Customer: “Look, I’m on my work break here! Can’t you go any faster?”
Coworker: “We’re moving as fast as we can, ma’am. We’re a bit short-staffed today, but we’ll be with you as soon as possible.”
Customer: “But I’m on my BREAK! I have to get back to work.”
Coworker: *still running another customer’s transaction* “Yes, ma’am, I understand.”
Customer: “Well, what about her? Can’t she help me? I’m in a hurry!”
(I suddenly realize that she’s referring to me, while I’m in the middle of my fifth car in a row.)
Manager: “Ma’am, she’s currently assisting customers in our drive through. If she becomes available, she will come to the front to help whoever she can.”
Customer: “Well, I would have driven through myself if I knew it would take this long!”
(I continue to help cars, and after finishing the last transaction, I go to the front to help. I get the shouting customer.)
Coworker: “Ma’am, this deposit slip is for [Competing Bank].”
(The customer turns BRIGHT RED and rushes out so fast you’d think she just robbed the place.)
(I’m a waitress at a local diner that has new owners. I’ve worked there for nearly three years, for the previous owners, without any issue. It is a few weeks after the new owners take over, and my best friend passes away suddenly. I call work to tell them I won’t be in the next day, as I have to take care of things until her family can arrive from out of state.)
Owner: “Wait, so you’re not coming in tonight?”
Me: “No. I mean, not tonight. I don’t work tonight. I work tomorrow, at 11. I won’t be in, though; I’m sorry. [Coworker] said she’d cover for me, though.”
Owner: “You can’t just miss your shift. You need a doctor’s note.”
Me: “I’m not sick. My best friend just died.”
(I’m clearly upset, and have been crying for hours.)
Owner: “Oh. Well, I’m sorry, but if you’re going to miss work, I’m going to have to write you up.”
Me: “What?”
Owner: “Yeah. I mean, you’re not really giving me any notice, here. I need at least three days.”
Me: “So… your policy is that I have to give you notice three days before someone dies?”
Owner: “Yes!”
(I found another job soon after. Some time later, I learned that the owners had to shut down because they’d run off all of their good help and loyal customers with their crazy ways!)
