(My boyfriend is notorious for speaking before he thinks, and therefore sometimes unintentionally says hurtful things. I am his first girlfriend, and earlier that week we had been intimate together for the first time. We are both atheists.)

Boyfriend: “I’m really glad you’re not religious.”

Me: “Oh?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, they have some policies that I don’t necessarily agree with.”

(It is obvious that he’s talking about abstinence until marriage.)

Me: “…okay.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I would’ve had to marry you really young. I don’t think our parents would like that.”

Me: “You do realize that you’re making it sound like you’d marry me just to have sex, right?”

Boyfriend: “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. You know I would wait if you wanted to.”

Me: “Well, you can’t prove that anymore.”

Boyfriend: “Touché!”

(I am talking to my five-year-old son.)

Me: “Can you and your brother stay at my friend’s house for a few hours while Dad and I go out on a date?”

Five-Year-Old Son: “Where are you going?”

Me: “Brooklyn.”

Five-Year-Old Son: “You go all the way to Brooklyn to have a date?”

Me: “Uhm… yeah!”

Five-Year-Old Son: “Why can’t you guys just date in your room and lock your door? We’re not going to bother you. [Older Brother] and I are just gonna play Wii.”

Me: *to myself* “What kind of dates are kids going on these days?!”

(I am in the car with my little sister and my father. We see a Quebec license plate.)

Little Sister: “Isn’t Quebec in Georgia?”

Me: “No, Quebec is a province in Canada.”

Little Sister: “Oh.”

(A few months later, we are watching something about the Civil War. They mention Atlanta.)

Little Sister: “Isn’t Atlanta in Quebec?”

Me: “What are they teaching you at school?”

(I enter a movie theater when there is only one other customer at the counter.)

Customer: “Hey, can I get a ticket to Insidious 2?”

Cashier: “That’s [price].”

Customer: “Okay.” *looks in purse* “I have three quarters.”

Cashier: “Sorry, can’t allow you.”

Customer: “No! You said I could go in; you WILL let me!”

Cashier: “No, you don’t have enough; I wasn’t to know.”

Customer: “You’ll sell me that ticket!”

Cashier: “I can’t; it’s against policy.”

(The customer walks outside.)

Me: “I’d like a ticket to Justin and the Knights of Valor.”

Cashier: “Sure.”

(I pay and go to the ticket inspector. Before I know what has happened, the customer has run back in, snatches my ticket, rushes past the ticket inspector and runs towards the ‘Insidious’ theater. The ticket inspector and I run after and enter the theater, where commercials are still playing.)

Me: “Hey! That was my ticket!”

Ticket Inspector: “Give him back his ticket, please.”

Customer: “No! His ticket wasn’t ripped!” *shows ticket* “This one is.”

Ticket Inspector: “That’s because you STOLE his ticket. Give it back.”

Customer: “Piss off!”

Ticket Inspector: “Give it back or I’m getting security.”

Other Moviegoer: “Just give the d*** thing back!”

(Others in the theater are agreeing.)

Customer: “No. It’s mine, and you can’t prove it’s yours. You’re just a silly little boy and you think you can get what you want.”

Ticket Inspector: *on radio* “Could security please come to screen three?”

(At this point, the customer begins eating the ticket. The inspector tries ripping it from her hands, but she has already eaten most of it.)

Customer: “Can’t prove it now!”

(Security came and took her away. The ticket inspector apologized for her behavior and gave me my money back.)

Sister: “Ugh, walking in high heels is really hard!”

Dad: “I wouldn’t know.”

Me: “You’re saying you haven’t worn high heels?”

Dad: “Not that I can remember, no.”

Me: “Because I recall you saying something about wearing fishnet tights for a fancy dress party, and if you weren’t wearing high heels as well you were doing it wrong!”