(My four-year-old daughter comes up to me while she is playing.)

Daughter: “I’ve got something in my pants!”

Me: “Er, what is it?”

Daughter: “LEGO!”

(I work as IT support for a law firm. Usually I am very understanding when someone asks me a question with an obvious answer, since most lawyers don’t know PCs very well.)

Lawyer: “HELP! My PC is going crazy! Triangles EVERYWHERE!”

Me: “Triangles? What kind of triangles? Do you mean error messages with a warning sign?”

Lawyer: “No, triangles! And a lot of them! I can’t finish my email. Please help me!”

Me: “One moment please, I will connect to your PC to see what’s going on.”

(I start the software and connect to his PC, and see Outlook doing ‘^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^’ without pause.)

Me: “Mr. [Name], is it possible that something is lying on the keyboard?”

Lawyer: *silence*

Me: “Maybe on the upper left corner?”

(At this moment, the ‘triangles’ stop.)

Lawyer: “I guess it wasn’t a good idea to place the book on the keyboard. Please wait a second.”

(He deletes the symbols and tries to write a normal sentence. Without the book pressing a different button, it obviously works.)

Lawyer: “I think I could have figured that out myself. Usually I’m very good with the computer. Thank you. Bye.”

(The lawyer hangs up and my coworker turns to me.)

Coworker: “Hey, Mr. [Name] again? How many times did he call us this week?”

Me: “I had him eight times on the line. I don’t know about the others.”

(My younger sister is going to graduate high school at 16, having a late birthday and having skipped a grade. She’s at an interview for her first choice college, and she texts me.)

Sister: “[COLLEGE] HAS A QUIDDITCH TEAM!”

Me: “Are you going to be a chaser, keeper, beater, or seeker?”

Sister: “Youngest seeker in a generation…”

(My manager and I are approached by a regular customer who is notorious for being just downright nasty and mean-spirited. She doesn’t believe in donating to charity and always thinks we’re barmy for wanting to help others.)

Customer: “I can’t believe you served that man!”

Manager: “What?”

Customer: “I gave him money in the car park! He said it was for food or a bus or something, and he bought beer! You do know he’s a homeless alcoholic, don’t you?”

Me: “Well, what do you want us to do?”

Customer: “I can’t believe you served him! You shouldn’t have let him buy alcohol! I feel violated!”

(The manager realizes she may be angling for a refund of the gentleman’s beer money.)

Manager: “Unfortunately, ma’am, we are not in control of what happens away from our premises. If he asked you for money and you gave it to him, then that is only your fault. Now, if there’s nothing we can help you with, please have a pleasant Halloween.”

Customer: “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU LET HIM ABUSE MY MONEY!”

(The customer storms out. The manager turns to me.)

Manager: “I don’t believe for a minute that she gave him money; she’s just trying to cause trouble. She’s probably got a problem with us for being in fancy dress for charity, too!”

(My boyfriend is playing ‘Minecraft,’ a building game, on his computer. He calls me over to show me the base he is building. It’s of note that we are both geeky, but don’t necessarily geek out over the same stuff.)

Boyfriend: “…and this is platform one, and this is platform two…”

Me: “Where are you going to build platform 9 3/4?”

(I laugh, but he looks at me blankly. I stop.)

Me: “Please tell me you know what that’s from.”

Boyfriend: “Umm… nope.”

(I shake my head.)

Me: “Harry Potter! We can’t be friends anymore.”

Boyfriend: “Well, d***.”

Me: “It’s okay; I’ll still sleep with you.”