(This story takes place when iGoogle is still active. I come in to work one morning to see my computer has contracted a virus. Following company protocol, I call the IT department to fix it. The IT technician comes down to my computer, and I start showing the problem.)

Technician: “Whoa! Stop right there! What’s that?”

Me: “That’s just iGoogle.”

Technician: “STEP AWAY FROM YOUR COMPUTER NOW!”

Me: “What? What? What’s going on?”

Technician: “I’ve never seen a virus do this before.”

Me: “What’s it doing?”

Technician: “Somehow, the virus has hacked your browser, and it’s directing you to its own Google knock-off called ‘iGoogle.'”

Me: “No. What iGoogle is—”

Technician: “Don’t panic, sir! I’ve got this completely under control. You’d better go get a coffee or something; this could take me a few hours. Wow, seeing a virus direct you away from Google like that. This is something new…”

(Confused, I walk away and let the technician get to work. A few hours later, I return to a very exhausted IT guy.)

Technician: “It took some doing, but your computer doesn’t direct to iGoogle anymore! What I had to do was create a completely new user account, and transfer all your information into the new user account! Hopefully, the virus is contained in the old user account!”

Me: “Why didn’t you just run the anti-virus software?”

Technician: “The what now?”

(My younger sister is going to graduate high school at 16, having a late birthday and having skipped a grade. She’s at an interview for her first choice college, and she texts me.)

Sister: “[COLLEGE] HAS A QUIDDITCH TEAM!”

Me: “Are you going to be a chaser, keeper, beater, or seeker?”

Sister: “Youngest seeker in a generation…”

(My girlfriend often phones me and asks me for little sums of money, saying bad things happened to her and she really needs it. She’s been asking for it more and more often lately, and I’m getting tired of her needy behaviour. She phones me…)

Girlfriend: “Hello, my love! There was a fire at my home! I lost my money and I desperately need some!”

Me: “There was a fire?”

Girlfriend: “Yes! Oh, I’m so upset! Please, help me! I love you so much!”

Me: “Of course, but please wait. I have to go to work!”

(I’m getting really suspicious, so I phone her home’s caretaker and I ask her about the fire. She tells me there was no fire ever. Later, my girlfriend phones me again.)

Girlfriend: “Hello! My money, quick, I really need it!”

Me: “I guess everyone must be very upset at your building!”

Girlfriend: “Of course! There are catatonic people and children crying; it’s so horrible!”

Me: “[Name], I phoned your caretaker one hour ago. She told me there was no fire, ever! How do you explain that?”

(She hangs up. One minute later, she phones me again.)

Girlfriend: “You didn’t listen to me, you heartless one! I told you I was sleeping at my best friend’s home, and there was a fire at her home!”

Me: “I know [Name]. I’m going to phone her too.”

Girlfriend: “No, wait! I never told you but I really have problems. I’ve been a mythomaniac for years. I’m a living wreck. But you’re such a great person, and you can help me! I need you!”

Me: “Oh, please! You told me so many times that you loved me! Were you sincere about that, at least?”

(She hangs up. One minute later, she sends me a text message with only one word: ‘Yes.’ Needless to say, I dumped her on the spot. And all the money she stole? She spent it on junk food!)

(I work for a wholesaler. Basically, the customers come in and order from catalogs from merchandisers. The catalogs are very hard to understand and confusing, and the merchandisers all have a no-return policies. My manager is oblivious to this.)

Manager: “What is with all these wrong orders? Why can’t you do anything right?”

Me: “I’m sorry; it’s just that those catalogs are so hard to understand.”

Manager: “Nonsense. Even a moron can put in right orders. Are you stupid? Are you in fifth grade?”

(She continues to berate me, scoffing at the thought of the catalogs being too confusing. A few weeks later…)

Me: “What’s that ugly couch doing in our front window?”

Coworker: “The manager accidentally ordered it for a customer. Now she’s trying to sell it since she can’t return it!”

(The couch itself is a neon green with hideous zebra pillows.)

Me: “Ha! It looks like the couch for a pimp!”

(The manager left me alone after that!)

(My mom and I are ordering in a popular burger chain at a mall food court.)

Mom: “…and a hot tea.”

(The worker prepares our order. I get a cold drink as usual, but mom gets curious when she sees that the worker is holding two cold drink cups.)

Mom: “Excuse me, that was supposed to be a hot tea.”

Worker: “It is.”

(She looks into the cup. It’s hot tea, but since he put it in a cold drink cup, the heat of the tea is causing the wax to melt off the cup and float in the drink. Later, my mom tries her luck again at another branch of the same burger chain, in another town.)

Mom: “…and a hot tea.”

(Once again, a meal for each of us. Mom’s drink is in the proper Styrofoam cup for hot drinks this time, but she notices there’s no tea bag in it.)

Mom: “You don’t use teabags?”

Worker: “Oh, this is just iced tea that we put in the microwave.”

(She then has to explain to the worker how to make a proper hot tea. My mom’s third attempt is at a Mexican chain in our hometown.)

Mom: “…and a hot tea.”

Worker: “I don’t think we have hot tea, but we have these little bags that you can open up and make tea with. Will that do?”

Mom: “…yes?”

(Seriously, what is it about the concept of hot tea that’s so hard to understand?)