(I am 25 years old and in a grocery store buying a bottle of fruit juice and a bottle of wine. I also have a packet of chocolate for my diabetes.)

Clerk: “ID please.”

(I get it out. The clerk looks at it oddly.)

Clerk: “I’m sorry; this is fake.”

Me: *surprised* “It IS real.”

Clerk: “This can’t be you.”

(I look EXACTLY the same in my ID, and I’m even wearing my hair the same way and the same color shirt.)

Clerk: “I’m calling the cops. I should really just get my manager but you’re probably gonna try it again.”

(As he gets the police on the phone and I think this is stupid, he motions for me to empty my bag. I take out my purse and fruit juice but leave the chocolate.)

Me: “The police will show you it’s real.”

Clerk: “EVERYTHING.”

Me: “What?”

Clerk: “I saw something shiny in your bag.”

(The clerk puts his hand out and talks to me like I’m a child.)

Clerk: “Come on, let me see and I won’t charge.”

Me: “It’s my chocolates. I HAVE to have them!”

(The clerk reaches in my bag and snatches them, putting them behind the counter.)

Clerk: “I’ll have that, thank you. You’re paying $2.85 for these.”

Me: “They REALLY are mine.”

(I start to feel woozy, and know I need sugar. I start to panic.)

Me: “Please, they’re for my diabetes.”

Clerk: “You can have them when you pay.”

Me: “Listen, you don’t even SELL [Brand] of chocolates. Look on the shelves; you won’t have them!”

(The police finally arrive. I feel really bad and scared, because I could have a sugar rush.)

Officer: “What’s this about a stolen or fake ID?”

Clerk: “THAT!” *holds ID* “It isn’t her! It’s obvious!”

Officer: “This does look remarkably like her. No, I am almost a hundred per cent CERTAIN this is her.”

Me: “Please… I need sugar.”

Clerk: “Well, she was trying to shoplift these.”

(The clerk holds up the chocolate. I try and snatch one, but he pulls them away.)

Clerk: “See? She’s such a dimwit shoplifter; she’s trying to steal them in front of you and the camera!”

Me: “Officer, they don’t sell [Brand] here.”

(The policeman goes to the candy aisle and looks for the brand. He frowns and comes back. I am desperate by this point.)

Officer: “Did you tell him?”

Me: “Yes, and I have diabetes. I need them.”

(The officer suddenly looks serious and turns to the clerk.)

Officer: “Did she tell you she had diabetes?”

Clerk: “Yes, but—”

Officer: “Just give them to her before I arrest you! She’s ill! Even if she was stealing these chocolates, I’d let her have one! She’s showing symptoms!”

(I never went back to that store!)

(My cousin and I are in the backseat. We’re on our way to Halloween party, talking about the Amish.)

Me: “Did you know that the Amish can’t play music?”

Cousin: “Even in their cars?”

Me: *facepalm*

(Mum is playing a scrabble game on her iPad.)

Mum: “Aw no, I lost! The other player scored more than me.”

Me: “Hey, are you playing with the computer or another person?”

Mum: “I’m playing against myself.”

Me: “So let me get this straight: you are sad that you lost a game you played with yourself, despite the fact that you also won against yourself, and it was inevitable that it would happen?”

Mum: “Umm…”

(My boyfriend is playing ‘Minecraft,’ a building game, on his computer. He calls me over to show me the base he is building. It’s of note that we are both geeky, but don’t necessarily geek out over the same stuff.)

Boyfriend: “…and this is platform one, and this is platform two…”

Me: “Where are you going to build platform 9 3/4?”

(I laugh, but he looks at me blankly. I stop.)

Me: “Please tell me you know what that’s from.”

Boyfriend: “Umm… nope.”

(I shake my head.)

Me: “Harry Potter! We can’t be friends anymore.”

Boyfriend: “Well, d***.”

Me: “It’s okay; I’ll still sleep with you.”

(My four-year-old daughter comes up to me while she is playing.)

Daughter: “I’ve got something in my pants!”

Me: “Er, what is it?”

Daughter: “LEGO!”