(My boyfriend and I wake up in bed underneath the covers. My boyfriend wishes me good morning and tries to kiss me.)

Me: “Ew, don’t. I’m sure I have morning breath.”

Boyfriend: “Oh please, like you could smell worse than me.”

(I choose to show him up by farting.)

Boyfriend: “What was that? Your flatulence is weak.”

Me: “Oh yeah? Then ‘dutch’ it!”

(I throw the covers over his head and hold him under.)

Boyfriend: “Seriously? I can’t smell anything. That’s pathetic. You’ve got to try harder, like THIS!”

(My boyfriend rips one very loud and long one, still under the covers.)

Me: “Impressive…”

Boyfriend: “Oh… GET ME OUT OF HERE!”

(My boyfriend starts to struggle to free himself from the covers.)

Me: “No! Don’t bring it out here!”

Me: “Welcome to [Fast Food Chain]. My name is [Name]. What can I get for you?”

Customer: “Hey, [My Name], I’d like a large double-double.”

Me: “Anything else for you?”

Customer: “Yo, do you have any hookers?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You know, hookers.”

Me: “Yeah, no. We don’t carry those here, sorry.”

Customer: “Aw, man! Well, whatever, I guess we’ll try [rival fast food chain right next to ours].”

Me: “Sounds like a good plan.”

(I almost got in trouble for saying ‘no’ to a customer and referring them to our rival, until my boss learned what they had been asking for!)

(A user leaves me a couple of long, painful, voicemail messages about her computer not working at all.)

User: “I can’t close windows, I can’t click anything, and I can’t respond to important emails!”

(I remotely connect to her computer, check everything out, and everything looks good. I assume that she had restarted her computer, found everything okay, and just forgot to tell me. I receive another call from her.)

User: “My computer is in utter chaos!”

(Again, I remotely connect into her computer, and everything looks okay. I go to see her computer in person, and luckily, she is there.)

Me: “Can you show me the problem?”

User: “Of course, look!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can see the immediate problem.”

User: “What is it!?”

Me: “You’re right-clicking on everything.”

(I’m working at the service desk of a large retailer when I’m called into the security office by the asset control associate while he detains and questions a female who was caught shoplifting. I walk in and the woman is obviously in her early 20s. She’s sitting there trying to force out the most fake sobbing I’ve ever seen. Her boyfriend has come in to support her, but at the moment he has to wait outside the room.)

Coworker: “All right, well, the police are on the way and the store manager is on her way up—”

Shoplifter: “No! Please! You can’t do this! I can pay for the stuff!”

Coworker: “Miss, you tried stealing $300 worth of electronics.”

Shoplifter: “No, you don’t get it! I can pay for it! I was just… I wasn’t thinking! I’ve been really stressed!”

Coworker: “Stressed enough to try and walk out the front door with groceries covering a Blu-ray player?”

Shoplifter: “Please! I can pay!”

Coworker: “You had a chance to pay for it when you went through the cash register to pay for your groceries, and you had a chance to pay for it when you walked through the store again, picked it up, and walked right by MORE registers to leave with it.”

Shoplifter: “I just… You’re wearing dog tags, right?! What military branch?”

Coworker: “Marines.”

Shoplifter: “Please! My boyfriend is a marine, too! He just got back from Afghanistan!”

Coworker: “Really?”

(My coworker stands up, opens the door, and looks to her boyfriend who is still standing there waiting.)

Coworker: “Hey, what military branch are you in?”

Boyfriend: “Huh? I just finished boot camp for Air Force.”

Coworker: “Thanks.”

(My coworker shuts the door, and stares at the shoplifter accusingly.)

Coworker: “Air Force boot camp? Really? That’s cheap, miss.”

Shoplifter: “SAME THING!”

Coworker & Me: “It really isn’t.”

Shoplifter: “You guys suck! This is so stupid! Let me pay for it! Don’t call the cops! Please!”

Coworker: “Too late. Speaking of the police, your chariot awaits.”

(The store manager decided to press charges as it turned out she’d stolen from other stores in the area.)

(My grandma, two brothers, little sister, and I are at the mall. Grandma is signing us up for children’s sports teams. I am female and really want to play football, as I used to play it everyday with my grandpa.)

Grandma: “Two of my grandchildren would like to play football just like their grandpa did.”

Registrar: “Names?”

(My grandma gives our names, and the registrar writes them down. I see I’ve been put down for ballet.)

Me: “Um, you put me in ballet. I want to play football.”

(The registrar looks at the paper and his eyes widen.)

Registrar: “I am REALLY sorry. It’s just that all girls that come here want to do ballet, so I got a habit of putting down girls for ballet.”

(The registrar rubs my name from ballet and re-writes it in football.)

Registrar: “What about the other two?”

Grandma: “Well, [Sister’s Name] here wants to do ballet and [Brother’s Name] wants to play basketball.”

(Their names are put down. The organizer looks over the registrar’s shoulder.)

Organizer: “Wait, you put a girl down in the wrong place. You put her in football. She should be in ballet!”

Me: “Actually, I’m the girl in football. I like football and want to follow in my grandpa’s footsteps.”

Organizer: “Oh, don’t be stupid. Girls hate football! They hate all sorts of sports!”

Me: “Really? Watch this.”

(I pull out my phone and show the organizer and registrar a video of me playing football against the toughest boy in school. Even though he is five grades higher than me I manage to beat him.)

Registrar: *smiling* “So I guess this strong, young lady will stay in football right?”

Organizer: “Fine, we start this Saturday. If you can survive the tests, you can join.”

(Surprise! I survived and played great!)