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They’d Like To Look At The Kid(nap) Menu, Part 2

| Edison, NJ, USA | Working | December 6, 2013

(My eight-year-old friend and her stepfather go out shopping. She is white Asian, and her stepfather is African-American.)

Cashier: “Hey, thanks for shopping at [Name].”

(The cashier sees my friend playing with an action figure.)

Cashier: “Like going out with your friend?”

Friend: “Yeah. He’s my stepfather!”

Cashier: *confused* “Really?”

Friend: “Yeah!” *to stepfather* “Can I get a lolly now?”

Stepfather: “Sure, darling.”

Cashier: “Could you just stay for a sec? I need to check some stuff on your purchase.”

(They wait a few seconds while the cashier pushes a button. A manager comes along.)

Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

Cashier: “This man seems to be with this girl and she says she’s related to him. I think he’s abducting her.”

(My friend’s stepfather is horrified. The manager looks closely at him.)

Manager: “Are you related to this child?”

Stepfather: “I’m her stepfather. Look, I can call her mother—”

Cashier: “That won’t be necessary.”

(The cashier starts speaking into the radio.)

Cashier: “Security, close the main doors.”

Manager: “Listen, [Cashier]. This is stupid. Just because a black person is with someone who isn’t black doesn’t mean it’s criminal.”

Cashier: “Well, I’ve already pressed the 911 button, so they’re on their way.”

Stepfather: “Please, I haven’t done anything wrong. She REALLY is my stepdaughter!” *to the manager* “I swear, I’m telling the truth.”

Manager: “I understand, sir.” *to cashier* “Just please call them off.”

Cashier: “I called 911, remember? I can’t call them off.”

(When police arrive, they question my friend and her stepfather. The policeman asks my friend questions like her stepfather’s first name, birth date, and their address. After a call comes that the information is checked out with my friend’s mother at her home, the policeman looks at the manager.)

Policeman: “Well, this is accurate. She’s eight years old; a little kid wouldn’t know a strange adult’s date of birth. Plus, we don’t have any issues of missing children her age in the state. So, I think that he hasn’t done anything.”

Stepfather: *to cashier* “I TOLD you! You just have to go ahead and don’t let anyone get a word in!”

Manager: *to Cashier* “I’ll be seeing you round back.”

(Even twelve years later my friend has never gone back in the store, even though the cashier was fired.)


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| CT, USA | Working | December 6, 2013

(I’m the owner of a yarn shop. We’re open Tuesday through Sunday, and closed on Mondays.)

Employee: “Hey, Boss. I have a question. I’d really like to work on Mondays.”

Me: “Sorry, but we’re closed Mondays. So, that won’t work.”

Employee: “Well, since I’m willing to work Mondays, I think I should get paid for Mondays.”

Me: “I’m sorry? We’re not open so no-one works and so no-one gets paid, right?”

Employee: *irritated* “No, I want to work. If you won’t let me that’s your problem. I think I should get paid for any day I’m available to work.”

Me: “Seriously, no. Now can we go back to actually working, since it’s Tuesday and you’re getting paid?”

Employee: “But I don’t understand why you won’t pay me for Mondays?”

(She never did let it go. Eventually we fired her.)

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This Conversation Can’t Be Saved

| NV, USA | Working | December 6, 2013

(Our company buys and leases houses. Although we try to keep tenants left over from the previous owners, we sometimes have to evict them, for which we offer compensation.)

Accountant: “Hey, [Name]. I have the check here for Messiah.”

Manager: “What?”

Accountant: “I have the check… for Messiah?”

Manager: “You mean Mesia? As in the name of street?”

Accountant: “What did I say?”

Manager: “You said Messiah… as in, the Lord descending from above to come to earth.”

Accountant: “Well, we’re kicking him out.”

Awkward Family Photo #54

| Related | December 6, 2013


Has The Drive To Keep On Going

| UK | Related | December 6, 2013

(My brother has recently gotten a new job at a garage that changes and fits tyres on cars. He’s been home about an hour and is taking to my mother and me. Note that I am notorious for terrible jokes.)

Brother: “Wow that was a long day.”

Me: “Has it left you a bit tyred?”

Brother: “What?”

Me: “I said, are you a bit EXHAUST-ed?”

Brother: “Just stop. Please stop.”

Me: “I can’t; these jokes just keep rolling.”

Brother: “Stop!”

Me: “Are my jokes wheelie bad?”

Brother: “STOP! STOP! You’re killing the jokes!”

Me: “Sorry, sorry, I’ll stop.”

Brother: “That’s better.”

Me: “Next time I should put the brakes on these jokes; indicate when you want me to stop.”

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