Archive for 2013

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Phone Bill

| MA, USA | Related | December 7, 2013

(My mother has gotten her first cell phone. My sister and I have had ours for a few years, so while Mom mostly knows what she’s doing, we kids figure out a couple of features on her phone before she does. She has just discovered the ‘notepad’ feature of her phone, but there is already a note saved.)

Mom: *reading the note* “Give me a dollar?”

Sister: “I was waiting for you to find that! Now give me a dollar!”

(From that point on, whenever I get a new phone, I make a point of adding a note that says ‘give me a dollar’ before my sister can get her hands on it. And yes, my sister did get a dollar out of the prank.)

A Bad Eggs-scuse

| FL, USA | Related | December 7, 2013

(My dad wants me to make a breakfast dish for his Sunday school class. I need eggs for the dish, so I ask him to go to the store for eggs, and only eggs. He comes home and puts the bag on the counter.)

Me: *looking in the bag* “Um, dad? Where are the eggs?”

Dad: “In the bag.”

Me: “There are no eggs, only ‘cheez whiz.'”

Dad: “What? They’re both protein.”

Egg Breath

| Montevallo, AL, USA | Romantic | December 7, 2013

(My husband and I have just had an argument due to my persistent whining about wanting a baby. It usually happens when I’m ovulating, which I am. After we make up, I sit in his lap and go to kiss him. He backs away.)

Husband: “So, is it weird that I can tell you’re ovulating by the way your breath smells?”

Me: “Um… yeah! That’s creepy. I don’t want to know that.”

Husband: “Well, how do you think I feel?”

You Can’t Say Father Without Saying Fat

| Sonoma County, CA, USA | Romantic | December 7, 2013

(I have said for years that I’m sure when my husband and I have a kid, it will turn out to be twins. We are at a grocery store picking up our bags at the cash register.)

Me: “Here, you take the heavy one. You’d better get used to it, because when we have twins you’re going to be carrying the fat one.”

Husband: “The sad thing is that you’ve already decided there’s going to be a fat one.”

They Had The Breast Of Intentions

| NY, USA | Learning | December 7, 2013

(My economics teacher has told the class that we were going to see the movie ‘Wall Street.’)

Teacher: “Of course, I’ll have to skip two scenes.”

Student: “What? Why?”

Teacher: “I don’t want to be responsible for showing you your first set of boobies!”

Me: “What do you mean, their ‘first?'”

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