(My boyfriend and I are eating at a restaurant. I’m just coming back from the bathroom. I’m 23, but people often think I’m underage.)
Boyfriend: “You looked very grown up and serious the way you walked over here right now.”
Me: “I became an adult? Finally!”
Boyfriend: “What, no! I don’t want that. B! Press B! Abort evolution!”
(I’m shopping with my boyfriend, who goes into another aisle to browse. A large man walks up to me. My boyfriend’s basically the definition of a geek: skinny and pale. He’s also so sweet and reserved that he’s hesitant to hurt insects.)
Guy: “Hey, babe. Come here often?”
(I do my best to ignore him and go about picking books.)
Guy: “Cold shoulder, huh? Come on, babe. Don’t be like that.”
(I put the book back and shoot him a glare.)
Me: “I’m here with my boyfriend. If you’re looking for love you should go look somewhere else.”
(I see his face scrunch up in anger. About the same time my boyfriend walks up. I assume he’s been listening from the other aisle.)
Boyfriend: “Who is this guy?”
Guy: “Wait, your boyfriend’s this pasty runt? Girl, step aside. I’m gonna kick this geek’s a**.”
Me: “No, you are not!”
(I stand between them. The guy shoves me aside into the bookshelf. It falls over on top of me. I’m dazed by the force and can’t think straight. I just hear a lot of loud noises and screaming and fear the worst. By the time I pick myself up, I see my boyfriend with a welt on his face. He is standing over the the guy who attacked us, who is laying on the ground unconscious with his arm obviously broken at the elbow.)
Me: “What happened?!”
(My boyfriend puts his head down and starts whimpering.)
Boyfriend: “I… he… he pushed you and I just got really upset. I kept thinking that he may have hurt you and it made me get angry. Next thing I knew, I just… did that.”
(My boyfriend seemed legitimately upset that he hurt the man, even if it was in my defense. An employee who had watched the whole thing called for the police and some paramedics. After reviewing the security footage, the police deemed my boyfriend acted in self-defense and wasn’t going to be charged. The guy was arrested for assault and battery. We’ve been happily married for three years now. He’s still reserved and the definition of a pacifist, but he’s made it no secret that he’d fight a giant to protect me again if it came down to it.)
(I’m in my 7th grade social studies class for the first time.)
Teacher: “I will go to any length to make absolutely sure you hand in all of your work. If I have to, I’ll go to [Principal]’s office and go on the intercom…”
(The teacher covers his mouth to sound like he’s speaking over the intercom.)
Teacher: “Mister [Student Name], please hand in your assignment by 3 pm today!”
(The teacher then looks like an idea has just struck him.)
Teacher: “Or worse! I’ll sing! IT’S NOW OR NEVERRRRRRR, GET MY WORK TURNED IIIIIIIIIN…“
(My father-in-law places a hand on my husband’s shoulder, and speaks urgently.)
Father-In-Law: “QUICK! There’s no time to think about it! What’s the capital of Canada?”
Husband: *before the question is finished* “Cactus!”
Father-In-Law: “Okay, maybe there should be some time to think for that one.”
(I work security at a local college. I am currently in what is supposed to be a twelve-hour shift, but daylight saving time has rolled back one hour and made the shift thirteen hours. Coworker #1 and I have just returned to the dispatch after doing a check of the school very early in the morning. Coworker #1 also happens to be a Native American.)
Coworker #1: “Well, that was depressing.”
Coworker #2: “What?”
Me: “We were just in the gymnasium. The clock on the scoreboard hasn’t rolled back automatically. So it told us we were an hour away from our shift’s end, when we are actually two.”
Coworker #2: “Daylight saving is stupid.”
Coworker #1: “I just remember what my elders had said when told about it. ‘Only the white man’s government could believe cutting the top off a blanket and sewing it to the bottom would make the blanket longer.'”
Coworker #2: “Wouldn’t it? I mean now you have those extra stitches in there, blanket might be a bit heavier.”
(The two go back and forth a bit before I speak up again.)
Me: “You do realize that regardless of the blanket’s length, our shift is still 13 hours.”
Coworker #1: “F*** crochet.”
This story is part of our Native-American roundup.
