Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “My bank called and left a message for me to call them back. Should I call them back?”

Me: “Well, that is completely up to you.”

Customer: “Why are they calling?”

Me: “I’m afraid that I work in a call center and not at your branch bank. I do not know why they’re calling you.”

Customer: “Hmm.”

(There is a prolonged moment of silence.)

Customer: “In your opinion, what do you think they might have wanted?”

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t know that. If you’re curious, I would suggest calling them back.”

Customer: “Is that your opinion on what I should do?”

Me: “Only if you’re curious.”

Customer: “Well, I am.”

Me: “Then, it seems like it is settled.”

Customer: “So you think I should call them back.”

(This back-and-forth goes on for 12 minutes.)

Me: “Again, I don’t know why they are calling. If you want to know, you can call them. If you do not want to know, you should not call them.”

Customer: “Okay. I’ll think about it. Thank you. Bye.”

Me: “Have a good day, sir.”

(My boyfriend and I have the same odd sense of humour. In the first month of our relationship he says he wants to show me something.)

Me: “So, where are you taking me exactly?”

(My boyfriend takes my hand and leans into to whisper in my ear.)

Boyfriend: “To where I hide the bodies.”

Me: “…so am I a victim or an accomplice?”

(A few months later, we’re driving out of the parkade attached to his apartment. It’s very creepy with flickering lights and plenty of places to hide.)

Me: “You know, this would make an ideal setting for a horror film. Imagine some scantily clad actress running around screaming. Then when she turns a corner, the ax murderer is standing right underneath one of those lights.”

(My boyfriend looks directly at me with wide eyes and a huge toothy grin as he steers around a sharp corner.)

Boyfriend: “It’s also a great place to hide a body.”

Me: “…I still don’t know whether I’m the victim or the accomplice here.”

(My three-year-old daughter is sitting on the couch sharing some popcorn with me. She has found a piece that resembles a dog shape.)

Daughter As Popcorn: “Woof, woof!”

Daughter As Herself: “Hello, little doggie!”

Daughter As Popcorn: “Hi! Please don’t eat me.”

Daughter As Herself: “Aw! Sorry.” *chomp*

(I work at a store as the main cashier.)

Me: “Okay, your total comes to $6.66. Wow, you’re one unlucky person.”

Customer: “$6.66!? I REFUSE TO PAY! YOU’RE A DEVIL! YOU PUT A CURSE ON ME. HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO ME!” *storms out of the store yelling prayers*

(I’m a member of a local community center. While I’ve generally been happy with the services they provide, I can’t help but notice that the place seems to be somewhat mismanaged. They often seem to waste money on unnecessary things like extra staff who don’t really do anything, while at the same time they fail to address critical things like building maintenance. I’m on the community center’s website and I notice that they now offer the option to chat with an agent. I’m a bit skeptical. I decide to give it a try.)

Agent: “Hello. Thanks for contacting [Community Center]. How may I help you?”

Me: “What is this chat for?”

Agent: “[Community Center] operates programs for new mothers/new babies, day care, nursery school, after school activities, summer camps, teen programs, adult activities, special needs programs, holiday events, and cultural activities for all.”

Me: “I’m well aware of that. I asked about the purpose of this chat feature.”

Agent: “To felicitate the customers on the website.”

Me: “You’re going to felicitate me? For what? I’m pretty sure you used the wrong word there. Might want to look it up.”

Agent: “I’m sorry. I’m an internet representative for the company and only have access to general information.”

(At this point I feel bad for messing with the guy. I decide to ask a legitimate question and see if he can actually offer some useful information.)

Me: “Tell me about your nursery school programs.”

Agent: “These extensive and varied programs are reflective of [Community Center]’s compelling mission to create a dynamic, caring community that helps families, youth, the elderly, and the disabled at all economic levels.”

Me: “Are you for real? How do nursery school programs help the elderly?”

Agent: “Thank you for contacting [Community Center]. Goodbye.”