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The Best And Worst Idea To Date

| Staten Island, NY, USA | Related | December 9, 2013

(I am out with my two young sons, when I run into a friend. We get on the topic of him taking a girl out on a first date in New York City.)

Friend: “I was thinking of taking her on a buggy ride in Central Park, followed by a romantic dinner, and then a Broadway musical.”

Me: “Ooh.. nice.”

(My six-year-old son decides to interject.)

Son: “Excuse me. Can I say something?”

Me: “No. Go play with your brother.”

Friend: “That’s okay. Let’s hear it.”

Me: “You will regret this.”

Friend: “Let the kid talk.”

Son: “Uhm, buggy ride? Are you crazy? It’s stinky and it’s bumpy. That girl will not like to eat dinner after a buggy ride.”

Friend: “Have you been on a buggy ride?”

Son: “Plenty of times. My brother loves it. But it’s the most disgusting thing in New York City. You see the horse’s butt the entire time. Stinky. And the ride is so bumpy you get a bellyache, and you wanna throw up.”

Friend: “So, I’ll skip the buggy ride then?”

Son: “I’m not finished. Why don’t you have dinner first? Then, if your girl is being nice, take her to Broadway. If she’s not nice, then you take her to the buggy ride.”

Friend: “And the reason for the buggy ride is…?”

Son: “So she throws up! Weren’t you listening to my story? You need to learn how to listen.”

Friend: *to me* “What the h*** kind of things have you been teaching your kids?!”

Me: “I really don’t know…”

Fathers Just Have To Be Told Straight, Part 3

| Yorkshire, England, UK | Related | December 9, 2013

(I’m 23 and gay. Around the age of around 16, before I came out, I had a bisexual girlfriend. Although no longer together, we remain very close friends to this day. My step-dad, who doesn’t really understand sexuality, has met her for the first time.)

Step-Dad: *to my mum* “They seem to get along really well. Lots of hugging and cuddling.”

Mum: “Well, they were together for a good while and they are really good friends still. And [Former Girlfriend] is lovely. I still think of her as my adopted daughter.”

Me: “Yeah. In fairness we know practically everything about each other. And, hey, we both enjoy a hug and cuddle with a cheesy film, we’re both a bit mental, and we both have a really daft sense of humour. All we really do when we get together is hug and giggle uncontrollably.”

Step-Dad: “So, if she’s bisexual why don’t you get back together?”

Me: “Because I’m gay.”

Step-Dad: “Yeah. But she’s bisexual, isn’t she?”

Me: “Yes, but I’m not. I’m gay?”

Step-Dad: “So, does that matter?”

Related:
Fathers Just Have To Be Told Straight, Part 2
Fathers Just Have To Be Told Straight (Not Always Romantic)

Pray To The God In The Sky(rim)

| Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Related | December 9, 2013

(My brother and I are both big ‘Elder Scrolls’ fans. We are also atheists.)

Me: “Oh, my God!”

Brother: “Oh, your God? But I thought you didn’t have one.”

Me: “Well, I suppose you’re right.”

Brother: “So you should probably say something like: oh, other people’s God.”

Me: “Or I could just say ‘By the Nine!'”

Comes When He Means To

| TX, USA | Romantic | December 9, 2013

(My husband and I are about to have sex. He is preparing to put on a condom, and he pulls it out of the wrapper. In the dim light he is having a hard time telling on which side the rolled part of the condom is. He hands it to me.)

Husband: “Which way is it going? Do I have the little wizard’s hat pointed outward?”

(My husband points at the reservoir tip.)

Me: “Yup! Put on your wizard’s hat! And remember: ‘A wizard is never late, nor is he early!'”

A Well Hung Boyfriend

| GA, USA | Romantic | December 9, 2013

(I am at my boyfriend’s house. His family has just started decorating the Christmas tree. The ornaments use a stiff hooked wire instead of a string. The hook is big enough to hang on your finger.)

Boyfriend: “Okay. Just grab a few of these ornaments and start hanging them up.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I take an ornament in each hand and pause.)

Boyfriend: “On the tree! Hang them on the tree!”

Me: *disappointed* “Aww. You had to specify.”

Boyfriend: “Yes, because I know you too well. You were going to hang them on me.”

(My boyfriend was right; I was planning on hanging them on his clothes!)

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