(My boyfriend and I are discussing getting married one day. I am 24.)

Boyfriend: “You would marry me right now if I asked you.”

Me: “No, I wouldn’t!”

Boyfriend: “Yes, you would.”

Me: “No, I wouldn’t. You’d need a ring first anyway.”

Boyfriend: “Well, I’m not asking you now. But one day I’ll ask you and you’ll say yes. Then you’ll spend the next 27 years annoying me.”

Me: “27?”

Boyfriend: “Well, I’ll have to leave you for a 20 year old before you hit 50.”

Me: “Well done. Now you’re bad at love and math.”

(My boyfriend has been playing an online Star Trek game for weeks. One night, my mother calls when we’re together and he decides to hop on the game. I’m annoyed he’s going to play while I’m there, but he promises to get off when I hang up.)

Me: “I’m doing well, mom.”

Mom: “How’s [boyfriend] doing?”

Me: “He’s good too, he’s pl—”

(I glance up at the screen, and for the first time notice what he’s named his ship.)

Me: “Hang on mom.” *to him* “Did you name your ship after me?”

Boyfriend: “That’s your name, isn’t it?”

Me: “Huh…so it is.”

(I resume my conversation with my mom and we hang up. I get up and kiss my boyfriend’s head then sit down.)

Me: “You’re adorable.”

Boyfriend: “Since you know just how adorable I am now, does this mean you’ll let me play more? Technically, it means I’m spending time with you!”

(I am working on a till that frequently has problems with the scanner. I attempt to scan a customer’s item, but the barcode won’t go through and I mouth a swear to myself.)

Customer: “Go on, say it.”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer’s Husband: “What did she do?”

Customer: “Swore under her breath.” *turns back to me* “You can say it. Vents the frustrations!”

Me: “I’m afraid I’m not allowed to swear in front of the customers.”

Customer: “Shall I say it for you?”

Me: “If you like.”

Customer: “Bugg*r!”

Me: “Ah, I feel better now.”

(We have our patients review their insurance/contact information before their visit roughly once a year. This ensures that everything that we have on file is up-to-date.)

Old Man: *looks over information* “There’s something on here that I want to change.”

Old Man’s Wife: “Honey, our address and phone number have been the same for twenty years. What could you want to change?”

Old Man: “Right here where it says ‘Caucasian,’ it should say ‘Native American.'”

Old Man’s Wife: “Why would it need to say ‘Native American?’ You’re not an Indian, honey. You were born in Kentucky.”

Old Man: “Yeah, I was born in Kentucky. Kentucky is in America. I was born in America. That makes me a NATIVE American!” *shakes head*

This story is part of our Native-American roundup.

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Customer: “This may sound odd, but we’re looking for a light with a finish that’s resistant to… um… bird poop.”

Me: “I’m guessing you have a pet? Well, no finish is going to stand up completely to that kind of thing, but we can look at a few things. What kind of light are you looking for?”

Customer: “It’s for over our kitchen table.”

(I proceed to find them some lights. Later on, as I’m helping them out to their car…)

Me: “Oh, I never did ask the name of your bird!”

Customer: “Well, we have about seventy of them. Bye!” *drives off*

Coworker: “Remind me not to accept any of their dinner invitations.”