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| Working | August 23, 2012

This Driver Can Go To Hail

| Waterloo, ON, Canada | Working | August 23, 2012

(My boyfriend and I were going to take a cab home from a restaurant. My boyfriend holds the door of the cab open for me, so there are a few seconds where I am alone with the cab driver.)

Me: “Hello, we’ll be going to [hotel name], over on [street name].”

Cab Driver: “Sorry, I don’t take directions from women. Just wait until he gets in the car.”

Me: *dumbfounded*

(As soon as my boyfriend gets into the car…)

Cab Driver: “…And where will you be going today?”

His Excuse Is A Non-Starter

| Edmonton, Alberta, Canada | Working | August 23, 2012

(One particularly cold winter morning, I wake up to discover my car wouldn’t start. So, I bundle up nice and warm and make the half-hour walk to work. As I am settling in at my desk, I get a call from my coworker.)

Coworker: “Yeah, hey, could you cover for me? I’m not coming in to work today.”

Me: “Why?”

Coworker: “It’s so cold, man. My car won’t start.”

Me: “So? My car wouldn’t start either. I walked. You can too!”

Coworker: “But, dude, it’s so cold and so far!”

Me: “What are you talking about? I live on the other side of town. You live across the street!”

(Sure enough, I look out my window, and lock eyes with my coworker, who is looking at me through his kitchen window. He quickly closes the blinds.)

Coworker: “I SAID I’M NOT COMING IN TODAY BECAUSE MY CAR WON’T START!” *click*

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Excuse Me, Bosshole

| Vancouver, BC, Canada | Working | August 23, 2012

(I’ve just started a new job in construction. This is also my very first labor-intensive job, so there’s a lot of things that I don’t know. Naturally, I have many questions to ask.)

Me: “Excuse me, Sir-”

Boss: “Hold it right there, buddy. I will not have you calling me ‘Sir’. I don’t really believe in ranks, so I want you to talk to me like an equal. Just call me by my first name.”

(A couple of hours later, I have another question to ask. But this time, I try to respect his wishes and do my best to ease up on my language.)

Me: “‘Scuse me Boss, I—”

Boss: “GODD***IT, NOT AGAIN! I told you that I don’t do well with those titles! Call me ‘a**hole’, call me ‘f***er’, but whatever you do, don’t call me ‘sir’ or ‘boss’!”

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Family Re-Ew-nion, Part 2

| St. Paul, MN, USA | Related | August 23, 2012

(My cousin and his girlfriend are getting ready to move to New York. My grandma gets the wonderful idea of throwing him a going away party, which the entire family attends. His younger brother is also celebrating his birthday. We get to the part where we’re singing happy birthday for him.)

Cousin’s brother: “Alright, time to blow out the candles.”

(Instead of letting him blow out the candles, we start singing another rendition of the birthday song.)

Cousin’s brother: “Okay then, please tell me you’re all done now.”

(In retaliation for this, various people collaborate and three more versions are sung, each one wackier than the last.)

Cousin’s brother: *groaning* “Are you going to let me blow out these candles or are we going to be here all day? Seriously, how many more songs do you guys know?”

Uncle: *making it up as he goes* “Happy birthday Chris, you smell like a monkey, happy birthday Chris, you’re one year closer to the grave, happy birthday Chris, mom’s wondering when you’ll be giving us grandchildren.”

Grandma: “You’re like twenty-two already. You’re not getting any younger! I mean, just look at how pretty your girlfriend is!”

Cousin: “I think you’re talking about my girlfriend grandma, but that’s okay. She’s attractive and mom taught me how to share.”

Aunt: “I had no part in this and I did not teach him that!”

Uncle: *completely ignoring my aunt* “Yeah! That’s my boy! It’s too bad she can’t marry you both. Or can she?”

(My cousin’s girlfriend, his brother, his mom (my aunt) and my grandma all look like they’re going to die from embarrassment. Everyone else just about dies of laughter.)

 

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