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Dogged By Mismanagement

| Sacramento, CA, USA | Working | December 31, 2012

(I’m working the register. The shift lead is making drinks, and the manager is in the back. A woman comes in and stands in line, holding a puppy in her arms.)

Shift Lead: “Excuse me, ma’am, but it’s against health codes to bring animals inside. You’ll have to take your dog out.”

Customer: “It’s a guide dog.”

(The puppy appears to be only a few months old, and doesn’t have a guide dog vest.)

Shift Lead: “I’m sorry, your puppy isn’t wearing a vest. You’re going to have to take him outside.”

(My manager comes out from the back.)

Manager: “Ooh, look at the cute puppy!”

Me: *facepalm*

The Biohazards Of Anal-ysis

| Portland, OR, USA | Working | December 31, 2012

(I am the hospital’s pharmacist. Occasionally, a patient is admitted to the hospital who brings in medications from home, often in a plastic baggie or other unlabeled container. One day, a nurse calls me ahead of sending down the pills.)

Nurse: “I’m sending down some pills to be identified, but they smell funny… like bad breath or poop or something.”

Me: “Uh, okay.”

(About 10 pills arrive in the pneumatic tube system. They look funny, are irregularly shaped and have no imprint codes stamped on them. The brown outer coating is sloughing off. I think they are perhaps an herbal product. When I open the baggie, the stench nearly knocks me off my feet. I put on a pair of gloves and spend a few minutes gagging, but nonetheless trying to figure out what they are. Defeated, I call the nurse back.)

Me: “Where did you say they patient got these pills from?”

Nurse: “Oh, the gastroenterologist is here, and he dug 40 of them out of the patient’s rectum.”

Me: “…Say WHAT?! Listen, for future reference, that would have been nice to know before I opened the package and nearly threw up!”

Nurse: “Consider yourself lucky: the unit secretary touched them with her bare hands!”

(The “pills” were indeed several weeks’ worth of tablets that had been the cause of the patient’s severe constipation!)

Crazy Family

| Related | December 31, 2012

Won’t Be A Silent Night

| NJ, USA | Related | December 31, 2012

(I am at my mother’s helping her put up her Christmas decorations.)

Son: “Daddy, how come you got a fake tree?”

Me: “So it won’t make a mess, and grandma can use it again.”

Son: “Well, that’s not nice. Jesus would want a real tree.”

Grandma: “Well, grandma doesn’t want a real nice mess.”

Son: *yelling* “Why won’t you buy Jesus nice things?!”

A Santa Clause, Part 2

| NJ, USA | Related | December 31, 2012

(I am about 10 years old, and around the holidays I walk up to my mom.)

Me: “Mom, is Santa real?”

Mom: “Do you want presents for Christmas?”

Me: “Yes.”

Mom: “Then Santa’s real.”

(To this day I have never questioned the existence of Santa in front of my mom, and I am now 23!)

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