Customer: “I’ll have two pounds of mac & cheese, three pounds of potato wedges, two pounds of boneless wings, and ten cheese sticks. I also need four pounds of cooked ham, sliced on a #2.”

Me: “Alright! Having a party, huh?”

Customer: “No, this is for my dog.”

Me: *taken off-guard* “Oh…” *jokingly* “…well, is he having a party then?”

Customer:  “I don’t appreciate your tone!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I was only kidding.”

(I fill her order in silence. After weighing the potato wedges, she says…)

Customer: “Can’t you go any faster?! The Duke will surely starve!”

Me: “I’ll do the best I can, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, see that you do! My sweet doggie is hungry!”

(Meanwhile, a man walks up and begins talking to the customer while I finish her order. This takes about ten minutes, as I have to cook more chicken. As I turn around from the meat slicer to give her the last bag of sliced ham, I see her walking away with the man. She has left her entire order on the counter.)

Me: “Ma’am! MA’AM! Your order, ma’am!”

Customer: “Oh, never mind, dear! He brought me some dog food from the pet aisle!”

Me: *speechless*

(She wasted at least $40 worth of food!)

(I am a customer at a hardware store. They sell padlocks to which all the utility companies have skeleton keys, for locking up your switchboard. They’re very expensive and super strong. I’m calling the store after being unable to unlock mine.)

Me: “I bought a power utility-compliant padlock for my meter box last week, and now it won’t open.”

Employee: “Are you using the key?”

Me: “I tried both keys that came with the lock.”

Employee: “Did they work?”

Me: “No, that’s why I’m calling.”

Employee: “Well, if you bring it back, we’ll replace it.”

Me: “That might be difficult.”

Employee: “Why?”

Me: “…”

(My brother comes home after one of the first sex-ed classes.)
 
Brother: *teasingly* Hey today we talked about puberty in school. Do you know what ‘puuuuberty’ is?”
 
Me: “It’s when your voice gets lower and your balls drop.”
 
Brother: *suddenly serious* “Wait, what? Like they fall off?”

(I used to work at this drugstore store before I left to have my child; note that the bathrooms have a lock on them to avoid theft. This take place almost two years after I’ve gone. I’ve stopped in to have lunch with a former coworker, and have my daughter in a stroller when a customer walks up to me.)

Customer: “You! I need to be let into the bathroom.”

Me: *confused* “Okay…”

Customer: “Well, aren’t you going to let me in?!”

Me: “I don’t work here.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me. I’ve seen you here before!”

Me: “Well, I used to work here, but that was almost two years ago.”

Customer: “So, are you going to let me in?”

Me: “I can’t. I don’t know the code.”

Customer: “But you work here!”

Me: “Sir, no I don’t. I haven’t worked here in almost two years. They change the codes every six months.”

Customer: “You’re just being lazy and don’t want to work!”

Me: “Why would I be at work with my kid?”

Customer: “Don’t play games with me. Just open the d*** door!”

(At this point, an assistant manager who I know walks over.)

Assistant Manager: “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yes! This lazy b**** won’t do her d*** job and open the bathroom up!”

Assistant Manager: “She doesn’t work here, and you need to watch how you speak to people.”

Customer: “F*** you!”

Assistant Manager: “Now I have to ask you to leave.”

Customer: “YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT!”

Assistant Manager: “Yeah, I can. The bathroom is for paying customers only.”

Customer: “Then I’ll buy something!”

Assistant Manager: “That ship has sailed. I suggest you go next door to the fast food restaurant.”

Customer: “I’LL SUE YOU!”

Me: “For what exactly? Badgering another customer because you have some delusion that we are keeping the bathroom all to ourselves?”

Customer:“You can’t talk to me like that! I DEMAND she be fired!”

Assistant Manager: “You want me to fire someone who doesn’t work here?”

Customer: “WHY WON’T ANY OF YOU DO YOUR JOBS?!” *runs out of the store, screaming about the bathroom*

(I am a manager at a fast food restaurant. Things have been running behind in the kitchen, so we are caught off-guard with a long line of cars, forcing customers to wait while their food is cooked. I deliver an order to one particularly unhappy customer.)

Me: “Here you go, sir. I’m so sorry about the wait.”

Customer: *snatches the bag from my hands and screeches off without a word*

(A couple of days later, I am working the morning shift again and the same man comes through the drive-thru.)

Customer: “Excuse me, were you the girl I was angry with the other morning?”

Me: “Yes, sir. I’m so sorry for making you wait so long.”

Customer: “No, I’m sorry. You were just trying to do your job. Have a nice day!”

(The customer proceeds to place a 10-dollar bill in my hand. I definitely had a nice day!)