(I work in a convenience store on the way to a lake (popular with tourists), and the till faces the front door. Currently, two women are in line, the first of which is paying with her debit card. Her back is to the door, and her head is down. Suddenly, a man comes bursting through the door yelling. Both women are incredibly startled.)

Man: “BAAARRRROKEE!”

Woman #1: “Oh my God!” *bolts upright*

(Woman #2 starts laughing hysterically, while Woman #1 has stopped in the middle of entering her pin to stare.)

Man: “BAAAAAA. ROOOOOO. KEEEEEEE. BAROOKEE. BAROOKE!”

Me: “Bathroom key?”

Man: “Yeah! Barookee!”

(He runs off in the direction of the bathroom, arms literally flailing.)

Woman #2: “How did you know what the heck he was saying?”

Me: *deadpan* “I speak tourist.”

(Note: The public computers in our office have been down and I’m in the process of repairing and cleaning them. As such, I’ve taped “Do Not Use” signs on the computer monitors. A client walks in, sits at the desk, pulls the sign off the monitor, and proceeds to try and use the mouse and keyboard.)

Client: “Why isn’t this working?! I need to check my email!”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but the computers aren’t working right now. I’m fixing them now. They should be up by this afternoon.”

Client: “I need to check my email right now! I demand you make them work!”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but you can’t use the computer right now.”

Client: “And WHY NOT?!”

(I point to the computer tower on my work desk that’s currently in pieces.)

Me: “This is the computer, sir.”

Client: “So? I shouldn’t need that thing to make it work! All the important parts are still right here!”

(The “important parts” he’s referring to? The monitor and keyboard.)

(My mother still refuses to accept the fact I don’t want children, and has lately been obsessed with ‘grandbabies’. She also has a lack of boundaries and an uncanny ability to suss me out.)

Me: “So, I met up with [old flame] yesterday.”

Mum: “Oh, my God. You slept with him, didn’t you?”

Me: “What? How did you know?!”

Mum: “Were you careful? Did you use protection?”

Me: “Oh, my God, mother- yes! Of course!”

Mum: “…D***!”

Me: “Alright, sir, your total is $69.19.”

Customer: “Oh my god! 69! That’s hilarious!”

(Suddenly, the customer becomes sad.)

Customer: “Oh… but I have this coupon…”

(He hands me a 50 cents off coupon.)

Me: “That’s alright, sir! That coupon will take 50 cents off. Your total is now $68.69!”

Customer: *dumbstruck* “This place is magical!”

(I’m manager on duty tidying up. One of my coworkers walks up to me.)

Coworker #1: “I have a customer who doesn’t want to pay her late fees because she’s ‘righteous’.”

(Baffled, I follow my coworker up to the register and see the customer. Immediately, she speaks to me.)

Customer: “I shouldn’t pay because I’m righteous.”

Me: “I’m… sorry? What happened?”

Customer: “I’m righteous. It’s not right for you to charge me.”

Me: “I’m showing your movie was returned two days after it was due. It was five days, but you had it out for a full week.”

Customer: “You’re not being righteous. I’m righteous. I’m busy out spreading the word of God. I didn’t have time to bring it back. I was being righteous. This isn’t right of you!”

Me: “That’s very good of you, but unfortunately the fees are valid. I’m afraid you will need to pay it in total if you want to rent today. I can’t take it off.”

Customer: “No, I’m a righteous person. You need to do the right thing. This isn’t right of you!”

Me: “Actually, since you knew the due date and that we charge fees, you know that the charge is valid. It wouldn’t be righteous of you to not pay a fee you knowingly incurred.”

Customer: “No, no. I am righteous! This is YOU not doing the right thing.”

(Coworker #2 has been awkwardly standing at his own till with a slight smile frozen in place this whole time. Eventually, the customer notices him.)

Customer: *to Coworker #2* “Don’t you laugh at me. I’m righteous, young man!”

Coworker #1: “He wasn’t laughing at you, ma’am. We’re a very happy crew.”

(The customer glares at Coworker #2 for a while before deciding to pay up and rent, muttering the whole time. The only audible word is “righteous.” Before leaving, she has one more thing to say.)

Customer: “Tell them it’s not righteous. I know it’s not your choice, but it’s not right to do this to me when I’m righteous!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I will. Have a good night.”

(Not surprisingly, the customer didn’t return her movies two weeks later, even after repeated attempts to get a hold of her. She ‘righteously’ kept merchandise that didn’t belong to her!)