(I am a receptionist in a large office and often have to ask coworkers to escort repairmen to the location where they’re needed. In this instance, the coworker happens to be male while I am female.)

Me: *to my male coworker* “Can you please show the repairman to the south kitchen? They broke their coffee maker.”

Male Coworker: *points inquisitively north*

Me: “Uh, no…” *points south* “…that one.”

Male Coworker: “I don’t know these things.”

Me: “I thought men were supposed to be better at cardinal directions than women.”

Repairman: “No, that’s just something we say so we don’t have to ask for directions.”

(My younger sister and I both took sign language in college. We are all attending a family reunion. While I’m talking with our older sister, my younger sister has been cornered by my cousin’s wife, who is very chatty.)

Me: *after looking over at my younger sister* “Oh, crap. We have to go rescue our younger sister. She just signed ‘help me’.”

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Guest: “Excuse me?”

Ride Operator: “Yes, sir?”

Guest: “Where’s the VIP line of this ride?”

Ride Operator: *confused* “VIP line for what, sir?”

Guest: “For us, the Americans. Where’s the VIP line for the Americans?”

Ride Operator: “We don’t have a VIP line sir for Americans… or anyone.”

Guest: *huffs* “Well, you should!”

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Me: “Why is there a sump pump in the septic tank?”

Coworker: “We’re removing the overflow. The tank overflows after it rains.”

Me: “Oh, where are you pumping it to?”

Coworker: “Into the sewer.”

Me: “…What?”

Coworker: “[Boss] doesn’t like paying for something we could do ourselves.”

Me: “Okay, you do realize that these sewers are directly connected to the river?”

Coworker: “Yeah… so?”

Me: “And now it’s overflowing, too?”

Coworker: “…And?”

Me: “And now I have to walk through fresh s*** to get to my car, that’s why.”

Coworker: “Then don’t wear sandals to work next time!”

Me: !#@#^$%&

(I am working drive-thru at a major coffee shop chain. Every once in awhile, customers will “pay it forward” by paying for the order of the vehicle behind them. This is a happy surprise for the next customer, and usually causes them to pay for the order of the next vehicle and so on. We’re currently in the middle of a “pay it forward” chain when the following customer pulls up at the window.)

Me: “Hello, your total is $3.49, but the car in front of you has already paid for it.”

Customer: “What the f***?!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s been going for 11 cars in a row. You can pay it forward if you’d like to keep the good deed going. No pressure, though.”

Customer: “F*** that! I’ll pay for my own coffee. Not paying for some clown behind me!”

Me: “Not a problem. Your order has been paid for. Have a good day.”

Customer: “Are you deaf?! I said I am paying for it! This is such a scam getting people to pay for others. You’re what’s wrong with the world today, you know!”

Me: “I’m sorry for trying to give you your order for free.”

Customer: “That’s right, and don’t you DARE use my money to pay for the person behind me, you punk!”

(The customer peels away. As for their money, I used it to keep the chain going, which lasted for another fourteen vehicles.)

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