(When I was in 7th grade, I volunteered at a local library. My main job was to gather books for pull lists. One day when I’m checking in some books and filling out sending forms, a man and his daughter walk up to my computer. Note: the scanner I am using beeps every time I scan a book.)

Daughter: “Why is it making that beeping sound, Daddy?”

Father: “I don’t know. Maybe she’s checking them in.”

Daughter: “Really?”

Father: “No. I think she’s going to steal them.”

(I look up, confused, and I’m about to interject when the father walks over to the head librarian’s door.)

Me: “Um, sir?”

Father: “Quiet, thief!” *knocks on the librarian’s door*

Head Librarian: “What seems to be the problem, sir?”

Father: “That girl over there, who is clearly not authorized to run those machines, was stealing your books!”

Me: “I was checking them out to put them into the send boxes.”

Father: “No! I clearly saw you stuff books into your pockets!”

Coworker: “Sir, she doesn’t have any pockets.”

Father: “I meant down her shirt!”

(Note: I am wearing a tight fitting shirt. If so much as a piece of paper had been under my shirt, it would have been very visible. Needless to say, there are clearly no books under my shirt.)

Father: “Fine! If you don’t believe me, I’m calling the cops!”

Head Librarian: “Sir, she was not stealing books! Please do not call the police!”

(The father ignores the head librarian and proceeds to dial the police anyway. The operator on the other end of the phone is speaking loud enough for us to hear.)

Father: “Excuse me, I’d like to report a girl stealing books at the [Library].”

Operator: “Sir, are you a member of the library staff?”

Father: “No, but I saw it happen!”

Operator: “Well, I’m sorry, sir, but—”

Father: “…and she planted a bomb!”

Me: “What?!”

Operator: *sighs audibly* “Right. We’ll send a bomb squad…”

(Five minutes later, there is indeed a bomb squad outside the library doors. They end up having to clear out the library, search me, and go through the entire library with bomb-dogs.)

Daughter: *to her father* “How come you said she planted a bomb? She didn’t!”

(When the police heard that, they arrested the father. I got a week off.)

Guest: “Excuse me?”

Ride Operator: “Yes, sir?”

Guest: “Where’s the VIP line of this ride?”

Ride Operator: *confused* “VIP line for what, sir?”

Guest: “For us, the Americans. Where’s the VIP line for the Americans?”

Ride Operator: “We don’t have a VIP line sir for Americans… or anyone.”

Guest: *huffs* “Well, you should!”

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(I am working drive-thru at a major coffee shop chain. Every once in awhile, customers will “pay it forward” by paying for the order of the vehicle behind them. This is a happy surprise for the next customer, and usually causes them to pay for the order of the next vehicle and so on. We’re currently in the middle of a “pay it forward” chain when the following customer pulls up at the window.)

Me: “Hello, your total is $3.49, but the car in front of you has already paid for it.”

Customer: “What the f***?!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s been going for 11 cars in a row. You can pay it forward if you’d like to keep the good deed going. No pressure, though.”

Customer: “F*** that! I’ll pay for my own coffee. Not paying for some clown behind me!”

Me: “Not a problem. Your order has been paid for. Have a good day.”

Customer: “Are you deaf?! I said I am paying for it! This is such a scam getting people to pay for others. You’re what’s wrong with the world today, you know!”

Me: “I’m sorry for trying to give you your order for free.”

Customer: “That’s right, and don’t you DARE use my money to pay for the person behind me, you punk!”

(The customer peels away. As for their money, I used it to keep the chain going, which lasted for another fourteen vehicles.)

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(Note: I am working on the technical support phone line at a large computer reseller.)

Customer: “Hi, I’ve bought a new computer from you guys and it’s brilliant. Unfortunately, you’ve made a small mistake.”

Me: “Sorry about that. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “The DVD drive is upside down. It still works, but I have to hold in the discs while I close the drive.”

Me: *confused* “Okay… well, bring it in and I’ll get it sorted while you wait.”

(Half an hour later, I’m covering the returns desk while my colleague is on break. The customer I spoke to on the phone comes up with his computer and places it on the returns desk.)

Customer: “Someone said they’d fix this for me. The DVD drive is upside down.”

Me: *turns computer up the right way*

(The customer was so embarrassed he took his computer and ran out out of the store!)

(Every year, my town hosts Sundance, which tends to bring some strange people along with it. I am the only one working in a very small paint store, right before close. A customer comes in and proceeds to look around the store for about 15 minutes.)

Me: “I am sorry, sir. We are getting ready to close. Can I help you find something?”

Customer: “I am looking for stuff to make a pipe.”

Me: “Well, sir, we do have some stuff to fix plumbing pipes.”

Customer: “No! I need to make a pipe to smoke out of.”

Me: “Uh, we really don’t have anything like that.”

Customer: “What the h*** kind of hardware store is this?!”

Me: “…A paint store?”

Customer: “Oh… then, can I buy some spray paint to get high on?”

Me: “No, sir. That is illegal.”

Customer: “Even during Sundance?”

Me: “Especially during Sundance!”

Customer: “Buzzkill!” *walks out*