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Milk It For All Its Work

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Right | October 12, 2012

(A regular walks into the shop, makes his usual order, and pays for it. But instead of waiting at the bar, he pulls out an empty litre plastic bottle. He then pulls out a little funnel and fills the bottle to the brim with our coffee shop’s milk and stands at the bar looking smug until his drink arrives.)

Coworker: “That’s a lot of milk you’ve got there.”

Customer: “I know… I have to make ends meet somehow, with the prices that you charge. That’s like five bucks worth of milk in there.”

Coworker: “Well, sir, the other customers might want some, too.”

Customer: “I’m setting an example. How much do these cost to make? Milk, coffee, energy, wages. Less than I just paid for it. So, according to Marx’s theory of materialist dialectics, you’re extracting surplus value from me, the consumer. I’m just getting back some of what you owe me, and all the other customers should too.”

(At this point, everyone is looking at us, and the manager comes over to intervene.)

Manager: “Sir, our margins are pretty tight and that…” *points at the milk* “…is WAY more than the surplus value. Anyway, I haven’t done the calculation but I’d say most of the surplus value you contribute goes to homeless people and the ones who come in here and make themselves cinnamon milk to drink. You pay according to your ability, and they get according to their need. Yeah?”

Customer: *goes quiet and walks out, leaving his milk on the bar*

Manager: “Don’t try and school me on Marxist theory, a**hole.”

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The World’s Oldest Unprofessional

| New Jersey, USA | Working | October 12, 2012

(At the flooring company where I work, my coworker has a desk near Personnel and therefore has to open the door for visitors. One day, a woman shows up outside looking for a job.)

Woman: “I was wondering if you had any jobs available?”

Coworker: “Well, we have a list online.”

Woman: “I don’t have access to a computer. Can’t you just tell me?”

(It’s not my coworker’s job to do so, but she lists jobs in the plant, including packers.)

Woman: “What’s a packer?”

Coworker: “They pack boxes for shipping.”

Woman: “I can do that! Give me an application!”

(The woman proceeds to sit in the Personnel area for almost an hour, filling out the app while engaging everyone who comes near her in conversations about inappropriate subjects. Finally, she hands her application to my coworker.)

Woman: “Do you think I’ll get a job?”

Coworker: “I’m not sure.”

Woman: “I hope so. Otherwise I might need to start stealing cars and selling myself on the street!”

All Ceiling Fails Are Final

| Nova Scotia, Canada | Working | October 12, 2012

(I visit a lighting store because I need a chain from which to hang a heavy stained glass lamp.)

Me: “Hi, I’ve got a really heavy stained glass lamp to hang from the ceiling. It’s probably about 20 pounds and I’m looking for some chain.”

Worker: *holds up some chain* “What about this?”

Me: “Is that going to be strong enough to support it?”

Worker: “Well, if it isn’t, bring it back and we’ll give you a refund.”

Abject-Oriented Programming

| UK | Working | October 12, 2012

(Note: I am the only programmer in an office full of graphic designers. A few of my colleagues understand programming, but my boss REALLY doesn’t. He often gives me ridiculous deadlines, but for once I am given a whole 3 weeks to make a complex program.)

Boss: “[My name], the presentation has moved to this friday lunchtime.”

Me: “What?! I wont even have a prototype available this week!”

Boss: “You will or you’ll be out of a job. Jeez, how hard can it be? You’re just typing!”

Me: “I’m… what?”

Boss: “You’re just typing! Everyone else around here has to do crazy graphic stuff… now that looks complex. You just need a copy of Office and you’re set.”

Me: “You can’t use Office for pro—”

(At this point, one of my colleagues interrupts.)

Coworker: *to my boss* “Are you being serious? You only told him about the program this morning!”

Boss: “And he should be able to do it in a week!”

Coworker: “Look, I know a little bit of programming, not enough to build it or anything, but it takes ages to make stuff like that! Give him a break, eh?”

Boss: “You’re just nerds! Nerds and geeks! All nerds stick together… oh yeah, sure!”

Me: “I… what?”

Boss: “You’re just trying to make me look bad! Have that d*** program ready for me within a week!”

Me: “Actually, I have a month of holiday left, and according to my contract I have to use it all if I leave. I’m handing in my 30 days notice. I wont be coming in tomorrow!”

Boss: *gets mad and leaves the room*

(I did indeed hand in my notice, and went in the following week for a goodbye party, which my boss conveniently forgot to attend. However, they now outsource all their programming to me anyway, and I work from home and charge twice as much!)

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Another Annoying Brother

| Related | October 12, 2012

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