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What’s Another Word For Wrong Major

| UK | Right | October 13, 2012

(A girl and her mother are shopping for cookware for her to take to college.)

Girl: “Do you have any…” *snaps her hand open and closed like a puppet*

Me: “Sorry, what?”

Girl: “You know…” *does puppet hands again* “…for cooking.” *to her mom* “Mum, I need some…” *hand motion*

Girl’s Mother: “Tongs?”

Girl: “Yes!”

(I show them where to find them while the mother teases the girl. I try to change the subject as the girl is obviously embarrassed.)

Me: “So, you need this stuff for college?”

Girl: “Yeah.”

Me: “What are you studying?”

(The girl turns bright red and both her and her mother start laughing.)

Girl’s Mother: “She’s going to be studying English!”

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Why Hello, Kessika

| Montreal, QC, Canada | Working | October 13, 2012

(Note: I’m a patient in the hospital after shattering my leg. My sisters call a local florist to order flowers for me.)

Sister: “Please address these to Jessika. It’s spelled with a K. J-E-S-S-I-K-A.”

Sales Clerk: “Jessika with a K. Got it!”

(They arrived addressed to “Kessica.”)

 

Health Condition: Impossible

| NY, USA | Working | October 13, 2012

(I am a data entry person who works the 4-12 shift. One day on my way to work, I become suddenly and violently ill in horrible pain. I end up in the ER and eventually am admitted to the hospital overnight. While on the gurney in the ER, I ask the nurse to call my boss.)

Me: “Here’s my boss’s number at work. Would you call and tell her I am in the hospital and won’t be in to work today?”

Nurse:  “Okay.”

(The next day, I am released from the hospital after recovering from a kidney stone attack. I am told to take it easy for a few days and come back if I have any further problems.)

Me: *calling boss on phone* “Alice, did you get the phone call yesterday about being sick?”

Alice: “No.”

Me: “I got really sick and had to go to the ER yesterday afternoon. I was admitted to the hospital for further testing and observation but was released today. While in the ER, I gave a nurse your phone number and asked her to call to tell you I was sick. No one from the hospital called you?”

Alice: “No one called.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry about that. Anyway, they ruled out appendicitis and a few other really serious things. They think I had a kidney stone attack based on the severity and location of the pain. I was told to take the rest of the week off from work, but I should be back next week.”

Alice: “Okay…”

(Fast forward a few months to my periodic employee review.)

Alice: “Well, you are an excellent worker. Your speed and accuracy are among the top in the office. You finished your training in two days when most people take two weeks. You are always punctual for work and always work overtime when I ask. I noted that when you had to take a day off to attend your college roommate’s wedding, you worked an extra day shift to make up for it. You’ve also done a great job as the nighttime first aid person. However, I can only give you the minimum raise because I had to write you up for an unexcused absence.”

Me: “Huh? What are you talking about?”

Alice: “There was that time you were absent but didn’t call in sick.”

Me: “Alice, I was in the ER at the hospital on a gurney with an IV in my arm in panic and fear and excruciating pain, not knowing if I had appendicitis. Even in my pain and fear, I asked a nurse to call you to let you know I wouldn’t be in. I can’t help it that she didn’t call. Still, I called you the next day as soon as I got released from the hospital.”

Alice: “It doesn’t matter. You should have called me personally to let me know you wouldn’t be in to work!”

Drenched In Just Desserts

| Falkirk, Scotland, UK | Related | October 13, 2012

(I’m 11 years old, and coming home from school. I enter the garden to see my bedroom window—the one above the front door—wide open. Thinking nothing of it, I go to the door and find it locked. I immediately hear some muffled giggling.)

Me: “Hey, is anyone there?”

Dad: “Yeah, give me a minute!”

(All of a sudden, a bucketful of water falls from the window right in front of me. I get only my shoes wet, prompting a loud swear from my dad and his friend, who had been sitting there for twenty minutes. The next day, I meet my dad and his second friend as I’m getting home. As he gets to the door, I’m locking the gate. My Dad finds the door locked, leading to him getting doused in water from
the same window by the friend from the day before.)

Dad: *turning to me* “Not. A. Word.”

Inappropriate Puppy Love

| ON, Canada | Romantic | October 13, 2012

(My boyfriend has just gotten home from a very long and tedious, and is very tired. We are chatting on skype.)

Me: “Aw!” *smiles at a link to a picture he sends me*

Boyfriend: “Have I mentioned that I like it when you smile?”

Me: “Yes, quite often.”

Boyfriend: “You have the kind of smile that cures puppies of cancer.”

(I stare blankly)

Boyfriend: “…and this is my brain after 12 hours of work.”

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