Me: “Department of Agriculture, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hello, I believe the department of agriculture is part of some sort of council. Is that right?”

Me: “I suppose we are, with the other departments of the government.”

Customer: “There are people in the council working against alien species, correct?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you mean by alien species.”

Customer: “I mean alien species in plants.”

Me: “Oh, like weeds?”

Customer: “Well, you could call them ‘weeds’ if that makes you feel better.”

Me: “Uhm… well, I can transfer you to our weed specialist. He’ll be able to answer all your questions.”

Customer: “‘Weed’ specialist… yes, that’ll do. By the way, how long has your number been ###-2666?”

Me: “It’s always been this number, sir.”

Customer: “Do you know what triple-6 means?”

Me: “I’m assuming you’re speaking of the Devil?”

Customer: “That is correct.”

Me: “Well, I’m in no position to transfer you to the Devil, but I can transfer you to our weed specialist.”

Customer: “The alien specialist, yes.”

Me: “Uhm… okay. Have a good day, sir!”

(I am dealing with a pushy customer; he’s submitted a trouble ticket but called in less than two minutes asking for an update.)

Me: “Sir, I am unable to give an ETA at this time. I am still looking into this issue.”

Customer: “So, you cannot give me an ETA?”

Me: “No, I am unable to give an ETA at this time.”

Customer: “When can I get an ETA?”

Me: “Sir, are you asking for an ETA on the ETA?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “I will let you know when there are any further updates…”

Bigots Are Boneheads! In this week’s roundup, we share five stories about bigoted customers!

1. Going Bananas (5,891 thumbs up)
   A sexist customer complaining about neutering gets neutered himself!
2. A War Unwon (3,705 thumbs up)
   A marine who fought abroad unfortunately learns that there are enemies at home, too.
3. Time To Moooove To Another Cowllege (3,720 thumbs up)
   Move over, racial and religious discrimination: introducing FARM discrimination!
4. So Pho, So Crazy (3,932 thumbs up)
   A Vietnamese supermarket employee has a run-in with a genocidal customer.
5. Who Needs History When You Have Hollywood (3,345 thumbs up)
   History is an absolute mystery for this boneheaded tourist!

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

(I’m having trouble with my car, so I take it to the mechanic. On Friday, the mechanic calls me up and says that they’ve found the problem, but the required part won’t be in until Monday. He tells me that I can have my car back for the weekend, and bring it back on Monday. On Monday morning, when I bring the car back to the shop, the manager looks up from the front desk and starts yelling at me.)

Manager: “YOU! What the f**k are you doing here?”

Me: “The mechanic told me to bring the car back on Monday.”

Manager: “All you godd*** f***ing people! You all think the world revolves around you! What the f**k makes you think we’re ready for your car today?”

(Getting angry myself, I slam my keys on the counter.)

Me: “I spent my weekend arranging alternate transportation! For all I care, it can sit in your parking lot until you are ready for it!”

Manager: *grumbles under his breath*

Me: “I’m curious now. When do you think you will be ready for it?”

Manager: “YOU’LL HAVE IT BACK BY THE WEEKEND!”

(On Friday, not having heard back from the shop, I call them up, and the manager angrily tells me I’ll have it back the following week. On Monday afternoon, the manager calls me and tells me my car is fixed. I return to the shop and we have this exchange.)

Manager: “I’d like to apologize for my behavior last week. I had two mechanics quit and another call in sick, and we were very busy and understaffed. Once again, I’m sorry for the way I treated you.”

Me: “Sorry enough to give me a discount?”

(At that question, the manager instantly turns back into the ball of rage I’d met the week before.)

Manager: “YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT NOW?!”

Me: “Just give me my car back.”

(I’ve never been back there!)

(My mother has recently gotten a health book with descriptions of the symptoms of various common disorders. I’m only 4, but very precocious, and have of course gotten into the book.)

Me: “Mommy, I can’t sleep because I’m too scared!”

Mom: “What are you scared of, honey?”

Me: “Impending doom!”

Mom: “What?!”

(She later discovers that the book has ‘a sense of impending doom’ under the symptoms for ‘panic attack’. I must have read it and been frightened by the unfamiliar term.)