(A new coworker has just started at her job. She seems really nice and normal. I have green/blue eyes.)
Coworker: “Do you wear coloured contacts?”
Me: “No, this is my natural colour.”
(Suddenly, she grabs my arm.)
Coworker: “I REALLY WANT YOUR EYES.”
(She was completely serious: she continued to stare at me for a few seconds before wandering off.)
(There is a huge sign advertising my favorite gum for 2 for $2.22. I grab two packs and head to the register, where the cashier rings me up for full price.)
Me: “Hey, I thought that gum was on sale for 2 for $2.22.”
Cashier: “That’s not right.”
Me: “What about the huge sign that says ‘2 for $2.22’?”
Cashier: “That was last month.”
Me: *points to the huge sign that says ‘2 for $2.22’*
(Without a word, the cashier walks across to the sign and rips it down.)
Cashier: “There! No more 2 for $2.22!”
(Guys like to punish the bathroom, and my boyfriend is not an exception.)
Boyfriend: “I need to go to the bathroom, and it is going to be really bad.”
Me: “You have given the toilet everything!”
Boyfriend: *Batman voice* “Not everything. Not yet.”
Me: “…we are going to have separate bathrooms in our house.”
(A man approaches me while I’m at my register.)
Customer: “Excuse me; I have a question.”
Me: “Sure, what can I help you with?”
Customer: “What does ‘boof’ mean?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Customer: “‘Boof.’ You guys have a bumper sticker that says ‘boof.'”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I have no idea what ‘boof’ means.”
Customer: “The sticker is just dumb. It says, ‘My dog is my ‘boof.'”
Me: “Oh! ‘My dog is my BFF!'”
Customer: “Yeah, that’s what I said.”
Me: “It’s an abbreviation, sir. It means ‘best friends forever.'”
Customer: “Well, that’s dumb. How stupid do you have to be to have a dog as your best friend?!”
Did you find this story in our Best Friends Roundup?
(I am a very small, tattooed punk girl, with blue hair and lots of piercings. My boyfriend is 6’4″, 280lbs of pure beefcake, with no tattoos. He also wears very expensive custom tailored clothes, as he is very well off. The two of us go with my friend so I can buy new running shoes. My boyfriend comes into the shoe store a little after us.)
Employee: “Can I help you?”
Me: “I am looking for some running shoes. My boyfriend suggested Asics, and I know if I get something different I will never hear the end of it. He’s like a wife!”
Employee: “Well then, why don’t you just drop your b**** and get with a real man?”
Me: *annoyed* “…Are you referring to yourself?”
Employee: “Yeah, I can show you what a real man is like.”
Me: “No, thank you.”
Employee: “What? You’re too good for me?”
Me: “Sorry, I only date men with real jobs.”
(Around this time, my boyfriend comes up behind the employee and listens to the exchange.)
Employee: “F*** you! You have blue hair. The only guys who would date you are loser drug addicts!”
Me: “Well, you just asked me out, so are you saying you’re a loser drug addict?”
Employee: “Whatever, b****! Your man ain’t got s*** on me.”
(At this point, my boyfriend decides it’s time to speak up.)
My Boyfriend: “Well, from where I’m standing, I have about 6 inches and 100lbs on you. And if you say one more unkind word to my girlfriend, I will show you exactly how it feels to be somebody’s b****.”
(Seeing my boyfriend, the employee goes stark white, stares for a second, and, incredibly, turns to my friend.)
Employee: *to my friend* “So, do you wanna go out with me then?”
(My friend ended up lodging a sexual harassment complaint with the manager.)
