(We are a clothing store chain. I get a call from a customer.)

Customer: “Hi, I was in your store last week. I think I left my lipstick in the fitting room.”

Me: “Your lipstick?”

Customer: “I can’t find it anywhere. Then, I remembered that I spilled my purse in your fitting room. The lipstick might have gotten left behind.”

Me: “Well, we do save some belongings that get left behind. Let me check for you…”

(While I’m checking, the manager walks over.)

Manager: “What are you looking for?”

Me: “A lady may have left a lipstick in the fitting room last week.”

Manager: “I know that lipstick! I hate it when people leave stuff lying around! I graffitied some bathroom wall with it, and then threw it away! That should teach people to not leave things. I found it and did what I wanted with it!”

(A young customer is trying to purchase cigars, so I ask for his ID. Note: I’m Caucasian, and so is he.)

Customer: “Why you askin’ for my ID for cigars? They ain’t cigarettes.”

Me: “It is a tobacco product and illegal to sell to minors.”

Customer: “That’s bulls***! Gimme a swisher! You’re just racist against me! Gimme a f***ing swisher!”

(Suddenly, the customer behind him speaks up. It turns out they’re a police officer.)

Officer: “He can’t without your ID. If you have a problem with it, let’s go outside. We can call your parents and we’ll have discussion about disturbing the peace.”

Customer: *turns pale and leaves*

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(I work at a small casual dining restaurant. On this particular occasion, I am working on the drive-thru.)

Me: “Hi! May I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I want three tenderloins.”

Me: “Alright, and is ketchup, mustard, pickle, and onion okay on those?”

Customer: “No. On one, I want nothing.”

Me: “Okay, so plain?”

Customer: “Nothing but pickle.”

Me: “Okay, and on the other two?”

Customer: “On one, I want mayo and ketchup. But I want mayo on the top and ketchup on the bottom.”

Me: “No problem, sir.”

Customer: “No! I want mayo on both sides and ketchup on the bottom and whatever else in the middle.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t put anything in the middle of the tenderloin. So, do you just want ketchup and mayo?”

Customer: “No, I mean I want mustard and mayo. Mustard on the top and mayo on the bottom. Um, I mean mayo on the top and mustard on the bottom. Ketchup.”

Me: *confused* “Okay, sir.”

Customer: “On the other one, I want mayo on both sides then everything on the bottom.”

Me:  “Okay, just to make sure I have your order right: you want one tenderloin with pickle only. You want another tenderloin with mayo on the top of the tenderloin and mustard on the bottom, then you would like a third tenderloin with ketchup, mustard, pickle, onion, and mayo on the bottom and then mayo on the top. Am I correct?”

Customer: “Yeah, the one with just mayo and mustard I want mayo on the top and ketchup on the bottom. I mean, I want mustard on the bottom. Do you have it?”

Me: “I believe I do, sir. Please pull forward.”

(Note: I’ve had another customer waiting at the window to pay as I took the confusing customer’s order, and she has heard everything. I take her money and apologize for the delay.)

Me: “I’m sorry that took so long. I’m still not sure if I know what he wants.”

Other Customer: “I don’t think HE knows what he wants!”

(An older gentleman comes in to return a movie he’s rented the night before. It’s clearly stated on the movie case that it’s a foreign action film that is subtitled in English; there is also the option to have it dubbed over in English or French.)

Customer: “I want a refund on this movie!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that! Did it not work?”

Customer: “No, it worked, but it wasn’t in English! I want my d*** money back!”

Me: “The subtitles or dubbing wouldn’t work?”

Customer: “I didn’t even watch it. I want my money back!”

Me: “Oh! I understand. Did you try going into the set up menu to change the language setting?”

(The customer looks at me, confused, so I show him the language options on the back of the case.)

Customer: “I DON’T KNOW! I just want a refund. It was stupid!”

Me: “So… the movie worked… and you didn’t even try to change the settings… and there’s a sign behind me that says if there’s a problem with a movie you have to let us know the same day or no exchanges/refunds… and you want me to give you your money back?”

(With that, the customer goes from being extremely agitated to looking sheepish.)

Customer: “…no.” *leaves store*

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Customer: “Can I get two pounds of potato salad? The one on sale.”

Me: “Sure thing!”

(At our store, the salad containers come in three sizes. The largest one holds roughly two pounds of salad. I fill the large container for the her and it weighs slightly over two pounds. I print out the price label.)

Customer: “Wait a second, you are ripping me off!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “How the h*** can it be over 6 dollars? It’s on sale!”

Me: “Ma’am, the salad is $2.99 a pound on sale. It’s slightly over two pounds, so that’s why it’s more than six dollars. Would you like me to take some salad out?”

Customer: “Bulls***! It’s only $2.99 a pound. That’s just over two dollars a pound. How can it be that much?”

Me: “Ma’am, ma’am… please, hear me out. It’s $2.99, right? That’s almost $3. If you add 3 and 3 together…”

Customer: “Do I look stupid to you? You add $2.99 and $2.99…”

(Suddenly, there is a look of realization in her eyes. She takes the salad from the counter and briskly turns away without saying another word.)