Archive for 2012

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Meow Amore Vole Fe Ya

| Denver, CO, USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals

Client: “Help, my cat is pregnant and I have no idea what to do now!”

Coworker: “Alright, do you have any un-neutered male cats in the house, or is she an outdoor cat?”

Client: “Yes, I have two un-neutered male cats in the house. Does it matter?”

Coworker: “Well, if you have un-neutered male cats in the house, that is likely how she got pregnant.”

Client: “That’s impossible. My male cats are gay!”

Mother’s Little Yeller

| Massachusetts, USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Top

Me: “A few quick rules before we begin our tour: we don’t allow photography inside the museum and, as everything inside is antique, please try not to touch anything.”

(At this point, I like to make a side note to any kids in the group to make them feel important. I turn to one of the visitor’s daughters at the front, who is about six years old.)

Me: “Now, everyone always assumes that I’m talking to you when I go over these rules, but really, I know that you know how to behave. The grownups, on the other hand, think they can do anything because they’re grownups. So you keep an eye on your parents for me, okay?”

(The visitor’s daughter grins and nods. Sure enough, a few minutes later…)

Me: “The bed curtains on the bed in here were handmade by a local woman out of homespun linen. She did all the work herself and it took her nearly ten years to—”

Visitor: “Wow, this is amazing!”

(The visitor grabs the 250-year-old fabric and starts rubbing it between her fingers.)

Visitor’s Daughter: *immediately smacks the visitor’s hand away* “Mummy you stop that! You heard what the nice lady said! Grownups have to follow the rules, too!”

Visitor: *hangs head in shame*

Other Visitor: “Oh my God, it worked!”

(The visitor’s daughter gave me a high five on the way out!)

Androcles And The Liquor

, | Missouri, USA | Food & Drink

(We have a difficult customer who comes in every day with his wife. Usually, he is just fine, but if he doesn’t get his coffee exactly right, he throws a huge fit. He’s even made a few girls cry from screaming at them.)

Me: “Good morning! How are you doing today?”

Difficult Customer: “Not good. I need my coffee.”

Me: “Yes, sir! Coming right up!”

Difficult Customer: “And, one other thing…”

Me: “…Yes?”

Difficult Customer: “Can I get a shot of whiskey in that?”

Me: “If I could give you coffee and whiskey, I think we would all have a better morning!”