Archive for 2012

Jump to page:

A Pal-Tree Understanding Of Plants

| Oakville, ON, Canada | Bizarre, Extra Stupid, Top

(A customer walks up with a dead, five foot tall maple sapling at the garden center where I work. It has been cut with a handsaw and has obviously been dead for a least three or four months.)

Customer: “I want a refund! You sold me this tree last summer, but in November the leaves all turned yellow, dried out, and fell off. I want a refund!”

Me: “So, in autumn your tree lost its leaves?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Sir, broad leaf trees in Canada like this do lose their leaves in the fall and then grow back in the spring. Your tree was just dormant for the winter.”

Customer: “But after the leaves all fell off, I put it in the garage! Now it’s spring, and the leaves aren’t growing back, so it must be defective. I want a refund NOW!”

Me: “When you put your tree into your garage in the fall, how did you get it in there?”

Customer: “I cut it!”

Me: “So, you cut it down and now you want a refund because it’s dead?”

Customer: “I want to speak to the owner!”

(I call the owner, who is a hard-nosed woman in her sixties.)

Owner: “What seems to be the problem sir?”

Customer: “Yeah, this tree you sold me last year is dead. I want a refund.”

Owner: “Was it alive before you put a saw to it?”

Customer: “Well, it was, and then in November all of the leaves turned yellow and fell off, so I cut it and put it in my garage. Now I want a refund!”

Owner: “Get out of here!”

Twinstigating Trouble

| Salem, OR, USA | Bigotry

(My cousin is only six months pregnant, but since she’s having twins, she looks further along than she is. I take her out to lunch one day and this exchange occurs.)

Waiter: “Hi, ladies.” *to my cousin* “Wow, you must be ready to pop any day, huh?”

My Cousin: *laughs* “No, actually, but I’m having twins, so I’m a little bigger than normal.”

Waiter: “Ah, I see. So, what can I get—”

(Suddenly, the customer at the next table rudely interrupts us.)

Rude Customer: “Bulls***! It’s women like you always craving attention that make people hate females!”

Me: *to waiter* “To answer your question, you can get that woman away from us.”

Waiter: “That can be arranged!”

(The customer was kicked out, and we got a discount on our meal!)

Heroic Mums Prefer To Keep Mum

| Australia | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

(I’m a customer at a local butcher with my mum. An older customer, maybe in his 60s, is giving the employee behind the counter a hard time. He’s patronising her and being all-around unhelpful. It’s obvious the employee is new and, by the way she is talking, appears to have a disability.)

Customer: *jabs a finger at the meat* “No! Not that piece! THAT one!”

(This has been going on for several minutes, and the employee is nearly in tears.)

Customer: *sarcastically* “I’m only trying to help you, love!”

(My mum, who is usually very easy-going, suddenly confronts the customer.)

My Mum: “No, you’re not! You’re being very rude!”

Customer: “Look, I just want my meat! Is that so hard?”

My Mum: “Well, you don’t have to be so rude about it! This poor girl is trying her best!”

Customer: “You can’t talk to me like that! I use to be an officer of the law!”

My Mum: “That’s worse! You should be ashamed of yourself, a man your age behaving like this!”

Customer: “Why don’t you step outside! I’ll have you arrested!”

My Mum: “I’d like to see you try!”

(Seeing that my mum isn’t going to be intimidated or back down, the customer leaves, looking very subdued. My mum quickly orders her meat and leaves before the employee, who is now truly in tears, can thank her properly.)

Me: *as we’re leaving* “Mum, she wanted to thank you.”

My Mum: “Being in one scene was embarrassing enough. I don’t need to be in two, thank-you-very-much!”