(My mother receives a call from a credit card company.)

Caller: “Ma’am, we wanted to run a few items past you, as your account as been flagged for suspicious activity.”

Mom: “Oh, my. Go ahead then.”

Caller: “We’re showing that your card has been used to purchase several hundred dollars of liquor, and something called the “Breast Course”. It looks like someone is going to be quite drunk and looking at questionable content on your dime.”

Mom: “Oh, no, that’s just my husband. Accept those charges…”

(My father? He collects scotch and is a radiologist specializing in mammography.)

Me: *regarding dinner* “That is a lot of sausage.”

Mom: “Oh! Oh! That’s… that’s what the girl… was thinking about… that one time!”

Me: “Do you mean, ‘That’s what she said’?”

Mom: *beams*

(My long term boyfriend is working on a site in the northern part of the province. Since he’s only home for about 18 hours a week, we do a lot of texting and talking on the phone.)

Text from boyfriend: “I miss you.”

Next text from boyfriend: “…r boobies.”

(I had to wait until I was done laughing to call him.)

(I am a customer at a fast food restaurant. It’s a small location and a bit crowded.)

Worker #1: “273!”

(I try to push through the crowd to gather my order. I’m almost there when another worker pushes another tray onto the counter, pushing some of the unclaimed orders around and knocking mine off the counter. He looks at the ruined food, then up at me with a reassuring stare.)

Worker #2:  “We can rebuild it. We have the technology.”

(I work as a waitress in a small restaurant where the owner is the cook. We see a van pull in, so the owner/cook goes to the kitchen to get things ready. However, after several minutes, no one comes inside so the owner comes back out.)

Owner: “I guess they’re meeting someone.”

Me: “Yeah… oh, wait. There’s a kid.”

(I watch from behind the register as a young boy, probably 5 years old, walks in front of their van and just stands there, facing the car. I look away for a second to see if another has pulled in and when I look back I see the boy’s bare butt.)

Me: “What is he doing? Changing clothes?”

Owner: “No, I think he’s flashing us.”

Me: “What?!” *I stand on my tippy toes to see more clearly* “Oh no! No!”

Owner: “What? What’s he doing?”

Me: “He’s PEEING on the hood of their car!”

(Sure enough, instead of bring their kid inside to use the bathroom before they ordered food, the parents must have figured their hood was good enough. I’d hate to be their mechanic!)