(I’m at a mandatory training session for experienced employees. Note that everyone at the training has done this job for years and we know each other pretty well. We’re using toilet paper for an icebreaker exercise.)

Manager #1: *tosses all his toilet paper at Manager #2*

Manager #2: “Ugh, [Manager #1]! You’re cleaning that up.”

Manager #1: “Whatever.”

(Our boss turns on a video and everyone turns to watch it. One employee who’s sitting behind Manager #1 starts putting pieces of toilet paper in his hair. He finally notices and grabs it off his head and shoves it in his mouth.)

Manager #2: “Did you just eat that?”

Manager #1: *spitting it out* “It’s dry!”

(I have a coworker, Coworker #1, who constantly tries to one up illnesses that other coworkers suffer from. It’s really immature and it annoys a lot of us. This takes place after another coworker, Coworker #2, has just returned to us after having a rather severe lupus flare up.)

Me: “How are you feeling?”

Coworker #2: “Oh, much better now. It’s my own fault, I ignored the warning signs.”

Me: “You just work too hard.”

Coworker #1: “Well, I have drug-induced Lupus. I’m sure that’s way worse than what you have!”

Me: “Actually, it’s—”

Coworker #2: “Oh my God, you do?! Have you started making arrangements? I mean that’s the worst one you can possibly have! How much time do you have left?!”

Coworker #1: “What?! When I looked it up online it didn’t say—”

Me: “Oh, so you don’t actually have it. You looked it up.”

Coworker #1: “No what I meant was—”

Me: “You are so pathetic.”

Coworker #2: “Drug-induced lupus usually goes away if you stop taking the drug, you moron. If you’re going to try and one up a disease, which is really offensive of you, you could at least use half that peanut sized brain of yours.”

Coworker #1: “Why did you tell me it was serious, then?!”

Coworker #2: “Why did you fake having it?”

(Coworker #1 looks really baffled for a moment, then gets embarrassed and slinks away.)

Me: “You know, he does that all the time. If someone has the flu, he has the swine flu. If you had your appendix taken out, he had his appendix and spleen taken out. It’s really, really, stupid.”

Coworker #1: “Yup, unfortunately, you can’t fix stupid…”

(Our manager overheard him later bad-mouthing my coworker and accusing her of faking it. He was fired two days later when that got back to the owner!)

(I’m a big Sentai fan (aka Power Rangers in English). I overhear this conversation at an anime convention I’m attending. NOTE: I am female while the attendees that are talking are male; also I am not from the same state that it’s being held at. We’re at a vendor booth who’s selling old toys—Power Rangers being one of them.)

Attendee #1: “Man, Power Rangers is classic!”

Attendee #2: “Have you watched any of the Japanese versions?”

Attendee #1: “F*** no! The Japanese ones are stupid as f***! America started the whole trend in the first place!”

Attendee #2: “Um… no they didn’t. ”

Attendee #1: “Whatever, f***ing otaku.”

Me: “He’s right.”

Attendee #1: “Like you would know!”

Me: “I would. Mighty Morphin’ is technically Zyuranger in Japan. The 16th series in the Super Sentai line.”

Attendee #1: “Oh yeah? Then where are the other 15 then, Miss Thang?!”

Me: “Never translated. But you can find most of them online.”

Attendee #1: “Bulls***! You’re a girl and know nothing about Power Rangers!”

Attendee #2: “More than you.” *to me* “Have you seen it in Japanese?”

Me: “Not all of it… but I can see why it almost killed the franchise in Japan though.”

Attendee #1: “HA! See! Japan sucks! They failed at translating it, so it sucked!”

Me: “You do realize you’re at an ANIME CONVENTION? You know, Japanese animation and other media.”

Attendee #1: “Some weebos came up with the term anime! It’s just awesome American cartoons that the f***ing Japanese stole from us!”

Attendee #2: “Okay, dude… you’re crazy.”

Me: “Yeah, you’re a moron.”

(Attendee #2 and I walk away and end up talking a lot about the Sentai series and wound up being pen pals. As we are heading to our rooms, we’re surprised to see Attendee #1 getting escorted out of the convention by staff and security yelling obscene things. I walk up to a staff member of the con.)

Me: “Um… can I ask what that was about?”

Staff: “He cursed and threw something at one of our guests.”

Attendee #2: “Who?”

Staff: “Robert Axelrod.”

Me: “The voice of Lord Zedd?!”

Staff: “Yeah, he mentioned how Zedd was an original character for the American version, and it set him off!”

(I’m shopping in a store where they are currently running the following sale: Buy 1 item, get 10% off; Buy 2 items, get 20% off; and so on… all the way up to 50%. I’m buying two expensive items and realize that if I buy three cheap items as well, my total will be less then with the two items alone. I go up to the register and am second in line; the cashier is explaining the sale to a middle-aged customer.)

Cashier #1: “If you buy three more items you can get 50% off. Why don’t you take a look at some of our cheaper items such as—”

Customer: “Stop it right there! I only want these! That’s it!”

Cashier #1: “Okay, but I would just like to mention that we have a sale—”

Customer: “I told you no! If you say anything else, I’m just going to walk out and not buy anything!”

Cashier #2: *to me* “I can help you right over here!”  

(I go over to the other register when the customer turns to me.)

Customer: “Don’t you hate all these add-ons? They’re always trying to get you to buy more!”

Me: “Yes, that does happen sometimes, but the deal they’re having right now is great.”

Customer: *under her breath* “Sucker…”

(I ignore her comment. Almost simultaneously, both cashiers read out our respective totals.)

Cashier #1: *to the customer* “Your total is $40.”

Cashier #2: *to me* “Your total is $30.”

Customer: “Wait a second!  What makes her so special?  How come I can’t get a discount?”

Me: “Seriously?”

Cashier #2: “Ma’am, she bought five items, so she gets 50% off of her total.”

Cashier #1: “Yes, and since you only bought two items, your discount is 20%.”

Customer: “Then how can I get 50% like her?”

(The cashiers and I are grinning at each other and trying very hard not to laugh.)

Cashier #1: “As I was trying to say before, if you buy three additional items, you will get 50% off of your total purchase.”

Customer: “That makes absolutely no sense to me. Buy more… but less? That’s not mathematically possible!”

(By this point I’ve paid for my things and start to walk away.)

Customer: “I don’t know what witchcraft this is, but I don’t want any part of it! I’ll just pay for what I have!”

(I work as a waitress in a small restaurant where the owner is the cook. We see a van pull in, so the owner/cook goes to the kitchen to get things ready. However, after several minutes, no one comes inside so the owner comes back out.)

Owner: “I guess they’re meeting someone.”

Me: “Yeah… oh, wait. There’s a kid.”

(I watch from behind the register as a young boy, probably 5 years old, walks in front of their van and just stands there, facing the car. I look away for a second to see if another has pulled in and when I look back I see the boy’s bare butt.)

Me: “What is he doing? Changing clothes?”

Owner: “No, I think he’s flashing us.”

Me: “What?!” *I stand on my tippy toes to see more clearly* “Oh no! No!”

Owner: “What? What’s he doing?”

Me: “He’s PEEING on the hood of their car!”

(Sure enough, instead of bring their kid inside to use the bathroom before they ordered food, the parents must have figured their hood was good enough. I’d hate to be their mechanic!)