Archive for 2012

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And You Wonder Why We Have Canned Responses

| Hazleton, PA, USA | Crazy Requests

Customer: “Hey, you! Where is your canned corn?”

(Note that customer has just walked into my aisle from another aisle where all the canned vegetables are.)

Me: “All canned vegetables are in aisle 4. Did you happen to look there on your way here?”

Customer: “Are you an idiot? That’s your job to look, not mine. And you didn’t even look for them. How do you know they are where you say?”

Me: “I assure you, I’ve worked here for quite some time and that is where they are located. If you would go back down to aisle 4 and look on the left hand side, about a quarter the way down you will find the corn.”

Customer: “NO! You will go and look for me. Where do they find you people? It’s YOUR job to go look and not MINE. That’s what you losers are hired for.”

Me: “Yes, I’ll be right back.”

(I walk out of my aisle, go to the aisle with the canned vegetables to double check, and return to the customer.)

Customer: “Well?”

Me: “As I stated, they are in aisle 4.”

Customer: “But now you KNOW they are there because you LOOKED!”

Me: *trying to maintain composure* “Have a nice day.”

Customer: “F*** you, retard!”

Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 5

| Booneville, MO, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m at a nearby water park with some friends. A friend and I walk over to the deep end and start to get on the diving boards. The exchange initially takes place between my friend, a customer swimming in the deep end, and a lifeguard.)

Customer: *to my friend on the diving board* “Excuse me, people are swimming here.”

My Friend: “Umm… but this is the diving area.”

Customer: “You can’t dive here while we’re swimming!”

Lifeguard: “Ma’am, this is the diving area.”

(The female customer huffs angrily and then swims across the pool slowly, forcing my friend and I to wait before we can dive. We still go off the diving boards several times, and then leave to get on the water slides for awhile. We come back to the diving boards later to find the same customer making a scene with the park manager.)

Customer: “…and we would all have to get out of the water. Then this guy would do one dive and leave. We would all get back in the water and he would come back to dive again. It’s ridiculous.”

Manager: “Ma’am, this area is for diving only. You’re not supposed to swim in here. Furthermore, I won’t allow you to talk to my lifeguards like that. Please leave the park now.”

Customer: “I don’t have to listen to this ****. You better give me back my $4! I haven’t been here that long.”

Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m going to call the police.”

Customer: “Now you’re gonna call the police? I’ve been trying to be civil!”

(So much for being civil—we heard later from one of the lifeguards that she ended up leaving in the back of a police car.)

Related:
Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 4
Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 3
Dim Witted And Off The Deep End, Part 2
Dim Witted And Off The Deep End

It Was A One-Horned Fabulous Purple People Lover

| Indianapolis, IN, USA | Bizarre, Love/Romance, Top

(I am a gay man, bringing my boyfriend lunch at work. I arrive right when his lunch break is scheduled, but he is busy with a customer. I stand to the side at an unused register, to wait for him.)

Elderly Customer: “You are so adorable! Just the cutest smile… adorable cheeks… great eyes!”

My Boyfriend: *blushes* “Thank you, ma’am.”

Elderly Customer: “You would be PERFECT for my granddaughter. She’s about your age, you know!”

My Boyfriend: “Well, thank you, but I’m already taken.

(He points out the engagement ring I got him two years ago.)

Elderly Customer: “OH! That’s a beautiful wedding ring! When did you get married?”

My Boyfriend: “Actually, I’m not married; I’m engaged. We haven’t set a date for a ceremony yet.”

Elderly Customer: “What?! Engaged?! Since when do women give engagement rings to men?!”

My Boyfriend: “Well, ma’am, my engagement ring came from my boyfriend. He proposed to me, and we plan to hold a ceremony in the next year or two.”

Elderly Customer: “Boyfriend? What do you mean, ‘boyfriend?'”

My Boyfriend: “Well, I’m gay, ma’am. I’m engaged to another man.”

Elderly Customer: “Oh, don’t be silly! You’re not gay!”

My Boyfriend: “Yes, ma’am, I am.”

Elderly Customer: “No, you’re not. Gay people don’t exist. It’s all a stupid liberal conspiracy.”

My Boyfriend: “I can assure you, ma’am, I’m gay, and we do exist.”

Elderly Customer: “No, you don’t! And, no, you aren’t! Gay people aren’t real. No one is gay, queer, homo, ‘special,’ ‘light in the loafers,’ or ‘limp wristed.’ Just because you aren’t a masculine man, honey, doesn’t mean you are less of a man.”

My Boyfriend: *dumbfounded*

(At this point, the customer turns to me since I’m standing nearby.)

Elderly Customer: “Can you believe this adorable boy, saying he’s gay? As if I was just born yesterday!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I can believe it. I’m the one who gave him the engagement ring he’s wearing.”

Elderly Customer: “What?! You think YOU’RE gay too?!”

Me: “I don’t think I am, ma’am, I know I am.”

Elderly Customer: “Oh, for the love of God! Now you’re gonna tell me you are a unicorn, too! Or a fairy! Or the Loch Ness Monster!” *turns back to my boyfriend* “Don’t worry, sweetie. I am sure the unicorn boy over there just has you confused. I’ll send my granddaughter in so you can meet her!”

My Boyfriend: “Really, ma’am, that isn’t necessary.” *points at me* “I’m perfectly happy as is.”

Elderly Customer: *also points at me* “Don’t listen to the unicorn! He doesn’t know what he’s talking about!”

My Boyfriend: “Okay, ma’am. Well, here is your receipt. You have a good day!”

(The customer proceeds to take her bags, walks a few feet away, grabs the closest coworker, and points to my boyfriend and me. Note that my coworker hasn’t heard any of the conversation.)

Elderly Customer: “See them? They are unicorns!”

Coworker: “Wait… what?”

Elderly Customer: “They are unicorns! Sparkly, flittery, girly unicorns!”

Coworker: *confused* “Okay, ma’am. I’ll keep that in mind.”

Elderly Customer: “You do that.” *turns to us as she walks out* “Bye bye, unicorns!”