(I work in a small office, and my coworkers are really easy-going. However, there’s a new employee who takes advantage of that all the time and does very little work. This takes place before Monday lunchtime.)

New Employee: *stares at a computer monitor* “Ugh…”

Coworker: “Are you okay?”

New Employee: “Yeah, I’m just trying to plan which evening I should see my friends.”

Boss: “Do you need the afternoon off?”

New Employee: “Oh no, I’ll manage. It’s just so much to think about, y’know? I have so many friends!”

Coworker: “No, you get yourself home! You’ll be worrying yourself sick!”

Boss: “You’ll get an ulcer!”

New Employee: “Thanks! By the way, I can’t make it in to work tomorrow because I’m seeing my boyfriend, so I’ll see you on Wednesday!”

Me: *flabbergasted*

(My brother and I are just saying weird things to each other.)

Brother: “Fleep.”

Me: “Floop.”

Brother: “Flap.”

Me: “Flarp.”

Mom: *calling from the living room* “What?”

Me: “What?”

Mom: “Did you call me?”

Me: “What?”

Mom: “I heard my name.”

(My brother and I share a confused look.)

Brother: “I was not aware that her name was Flarp.”

(I work in a pet store. I have a pet ferret that I bring to work with me on occasion. I put him on a leash and harness and walk him around the store when we aren’t busy.)

Customer: “Godd***, that rat is huge!”

Me: “He’s not a rat; he’s a ferret. They aren’t—”

Customer: “F*** all that scientific bulls***! That’s a f***ing rat! That’s not your pet, is it?”

Me: “Yes, he is. But ferrets are not rodents. They’re mustelids.”

Customer: “A what?! Mustard lid?”

Me: “No, mustelid. They’re in the same family as otters, badgers, and weasels.”

Customer: “What’d you call it? A furret? My friend told me about those. They’ll f***ing bite your nose off!”

Me: “Well, one might, if it feels threatened, but I assure you they are actually very tame and affectionate animals. Would you like to hold him and see?”

(I pick my ferret up and cradle him in my arms like a baby. He immediately goes limp and nuzzles my shirt.)

Customer: *hesitantly reaches out to pet him* “Uh… well, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try—”

(At that moment, my ferret opens his mouth wide for a particularly intense yawn, revealing his formidable canine teeth.)

Customer: “S***! That rat ain’t tame! He just tried to take my f***ing hand off! Crazy b****es and their godd*** face-eating rats!” *bolts out the door*

(A customer has just given me her order for a full-slab of ribs. She seems nice and even-tempered until this moment.)

Customer: “That’s to go, and I want to talk to your manager!”

(I call over the manager.)

Manager: “Yes, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Last time I came here, I ordered your ribs and they were absolutely DISGUSTING! There was barely ANY sauce and they were cold and gross!”

Manager: “Did you contact us? We could have given you customer credit.”

Customer: “NO! Why would I EVER want to come back?!” *pays for her ribs and storms off*

(My office computer has crashed and I am unable to access systems critical to my job function. A teammate has filed a trouble ticket for me online. After a few minutes, we check the status and see the ticket has been assigned to the onsite IT Manager who is on vacation for the next two weeks. Unable to wait for his return to the office, I call the Helpdesk to have the ticket reassigned to a back-up IT Manager.)

Helpdesk: “Thank you for calling IT Helpdesk. How may I assist you?”

Me: “Yes, I need to have ticket number XXXX reassigned as the assigned IT Manager is out of the office.”

Helpdesk: “That ticket has already been assigned to [My IT Manager].”

Me: “[My IT Manager] is on vacation for two weeks and I cannot wait for his return. I need my ticket reassigned to another IT Manager right away.”

Helpdesk: “[My IT Manager] has already been notified of this ticket’s assignment. He should be along shortly to resolve your issue. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

Me: “Yes. I need that ticket reassigned to an IT Manager who is in the office. I cannot wait for [My IT Manager] to return.”

Helpdesk: “That ticket has already been assigned.  Do you want me to escalate the severity status so the IT Manager is notified of the urgency? Would you like his phone number?”

Me: “No, that will not work. I have his phone number but calling him will do no good as he is on vacation for two weeks. I need the ticket reassigned.”

(This goes on for no less than ten minutes with the Helpdesk Representative repeatedly assuring me that my ticket has been assigned and offering the assigned IT Manager’s name and number. My teammates have been listening to my end of the conversation and have gathered around alternately laughing incredulously and offering me encouragement.)

Me: “Look, I am trying to be as kind and patient as possible, yet I feel you are not listening to a word I am saying. Please provide me the name of [My IT Manager] back-up or the name of his supervisor so I can have the ticket reassigned.”

Helpdesk: “Ma’am, your ticket has been assigned and escalated. Would you like the—”

Me: “Sir, I do not wish to be rude, but if you offer me the name and number of the assigned IT Manager one more time, I fear I may scream aloud.”

Helpdesk:“I can give you his direct number—”

Me: “Okay, I give up. As I do not wish to be rude by simply hanging up in your ear, I am letting you know that I am ending the call at this time.”

Helpdesk: “Okay… thanks for calling the Helpdesk. Have I fully resolved your concerns today?”

Me: “Are you for real?!”

Helpdesk: *hangs up*