(My boyfriend and I are buying our weekly groceries.)

Boyfriend: “What day is it today?”

Me: “It’s Sunday, I think?”

Boyfriend: “S***!

Me: “What? What’s wrong!?”

Boyfriend: “We forgot! Game Of Thrones is on tonight! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! We need to get home!”

Me: “D***! But I haven’t finished shopping!”

(My boyfriend literally starts running around the store, pushing people out of the way and grabbing as much random food as he can carry. He then grabs two packets of two-minute noodles.)

Boyfriend: “Dinner’s sorted! GO! GO! GO!”

(We made it home in time!)

(My sister and I have long outgrown Santa Claus, but our mother still tells us to ‘ask Santa’ when we want something that she either doesn’t want to buy or simply can’t afford at the moment. My sister is leaning against mom, pointing to an item she wants.)

Sister: “Mooooooooommy?”

Mom: “Ask Santa!”

*long silence*

Sister: *leaning against mom, pointing to the item again* “Saaaaaaaaanta?”

(My father is a large man with a bushy white beard, still tinged with his original red, and wears small, gold-rimmed glasses. He gets called ‘Santa’ by everyone from little kids to random strangers. My parents are on a flight and there is a young mother with a very problematic young boy. The mother is clearly trying very hard to control her son, but he is running all over the plane, getting in the stewardesses’ way, and generally bothering people. Suddenly, he sees my father and stops dead in his tracks.)

Boy: “It’s Santa!”

Dad: *booming* “That’s right! And if you keep acting like this, you’re not getting anything this year!”

(The boy immediately runs back to his seat, sits down and shuts up.)

Mother: *mouths* “Thank you!”

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(I work at a table that is set up at a farmer’s market every Sunday where I sell different deli meats. I also cater events and I am speaking to a couple in their 30s about possibly catering an engagement party. I am a caucasian female in my 20s.)

Me: “So, I can give you my business card if you’d like to discuss the options for your engagement party.”

Woman: “Sure, thanks!”

Man: “You’ve been so helpful!” *looks at name on business card* “Morgan Freeman? Are you seriously Morgan Freeman?”

Me: “Well, yes. That’s my name.”

Woman: “Are you the actor?”

Me: *laughing* “Haha, only on weekdays!”

Man: “No she’s not. What a liar! This is bulls***. You’re not Morgan Freeman!”

Woman: “Honey, it says right there on the card. So, are you the one that does all the narration? Like for the penguin movies?”

Man: “She’s a liar. We’re leaving.”

Me: “No. I’m not the African American male actor. But anyway, my email and phone number are on there for my catering business.”

Man: “Sorry, we don’t deal with liars.”

(He hauls his fiancée away.)

Woman: *turns around and literally yells* “DO YOU KNOW OPRAH?!”

(It is the opening of ‘The Dark Knight Rises’. As it’s a major film, staff are allowed to relax the dress code and dress up in the theme of the film. Our most senior floor manager that day is wearing a Batman mask, cape, utility belt, and boots. He’s at customer service and I’m in concessions.)

Customer: “There is way too much salt in this popcorn. Are you trying to make my kids sick?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry you think the popcorn is too salty. Can I remake a batch for you without the flavoring salt?”

Customer: “I’m taking my kids to get tested and then I’m going to sue this theater!”

Me: “Because the popcorn was too salty?”

Customer: “Yes! I know you do it to drive drink sales, but this is immoral!”

Me: “An immoral amount of salt?”

Customer: “Yes! This is immoral, what you’re doing. You’re making kids sick! Now where’s your manager? I want to talk to an adult!”

(I’m 19. My manager in the Batman costume is 23.)

Me: “Ma’am, I am a manager. If you’d like, I can give you all the information to file a complaint with corporate.”

Customer: “No! I want to talk to an adult. Not a little girl!”

Me: “Okay, well, our most senior manager on staff is behind Customer Service.”

Customer: *looks around, but doesn’t realize who my manager is*

Me: “He’s the one dressed up like Batman.”

Customer: *turns and walks out of the theater without another word*

(Thankfully, we never got sued and never saw her again.)

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