(My dad’s side of the family is huge – he is one of ten kids and they all went on to have multiple kids. We attend a family reunion out at a lake my uncle owns, and everyone is invited. There ends up being around 250 people there. Oddly enough, as we pull into the parking area, we see a large car from the 1950’s parked in front of the boat ramp with two old people sitting in it. They are both smiling really big and sitting very still, and I wonder who they are and why there are sitting in the car. I go up to the car for a closer look, and am shocked to see that they aren’t people at all, but life-size cardboard cut-outs of two old people.)

Me: *to my aunt* “What’s up with the creepy cardboard people?”

Aunt: “Oh, that’s your dad’s great grandma and great grandpa. We thought they would want to be here if they were still alive, so we made copies of them. That’s their old car!”

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(My ex-boyfriend and I are with my best friend and her boyfriend. We are all walking around a county fair. Some popular girls from our school approach us.)

Popular girl: *to my best friend’s boyfriend* “Are you her boyfriend?” *motions to my best friend*

Best friend’s boyfriend: “Yes, why?”

Popular girl: “Well, I wanted to come over here to tell you I think you’re pretty hot.” *motions to my best friend again* “I hope you don’t mind!”

(The other popular girls begin to giggle.)

Me: *whispering to my ex-boyfriend* “Quick! Don’t look at them! They’ll steal your soul!”

(My ex-boyfriend throws hand over heart and gasps, and fakes his death by fainting dramatically. The popular girls stare and walk away.)

Ex-boyfriend: “Did it work? Are the soul stealers gone?!”

(My husband and I are talking about what I might name my cat, which includes things like ‘Sharktopus’, ‘Pancho Villa’, ‘Darth Vader’, and Zoidberg.)

Husband: “You could name him Axel, like from Beverly Hills Cop.”

Me: “You’d better watch out if you don’t start giving me serious suggestions. I’ll name our kid Axel.”

Husband: “At least he’d have his own theme music.”

(Both of us hum the music from ‘Beverly Hills Cop’.)

Me: “Ooh, I could name him Harvey!”

Husband: “Deathstrike.”

Me: “Hmm. Harvey Deathstrike. Our kids are screwed.”

Husband: “Yeah. What would his sister’s name be? Destructo. Destroyer…”

Me: “Please stop now.”

Related:
Name Blame Game

(A customer pays with a fifty dollar bill. Spotting it, the pharmacist on duty grabs his wallet and asks the cashier to give him the fifty for two twenties and a ten.)

Coworker: “I can’t do that!”

Me: “Why not? He’s giving you $50 for $50.”

Coworker: “But my till will be wrong!”

Me: “How? You take out the fifty, and put in two twenties and the ten. The totals are still the same.”

Coworker: “But I won’t have the fifty, and the register will KNOW!”

(At our bookstore, we don’t employ cleaners; everyone pitches in, including the manager. At the end of one day, I am mopping the floor. There is still one customer browsing around after making purchases.)

Customer: “Hey, weren’t you my cashier?”

Me: “Yes, I was.”

Customer: “Then why are you cleaning? Where are your cleaners?”

Me: “No cleaners here; everyone pitches in.”

Customer: “Why? Only the lowest of people should be cleaning. You’re better than that.”

Me: “The manager does the cleaning, too.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! He’s the manager. No manager in their right mind would clean! I would never clean if I was a manager.”

Me: “Well, ours does. Do you have a problem with that?”

Customer: “Yes! I’m not coming back here again!” *storms out*