(My dad has just finished a plate of chicken and is offering the scraps to our husky. I notice a bone on the plate.)

Me: “Careful of that bone, dad.”

Dad: “You always say this. One bone won’t hurt him.”

Me: “It will if he chokes on it.”

(I remove the stray bone.)

Dad: “He won’t choke on it. That’s what they eat in the wild!”

Me: “Wild huskies? You mean wolves right? Dogs have evolved a bit since they were wolves, dad.”

Dad: “No, not wolves, don’t be stupid! I mean wild huskies, sled dogs! They’re wild. People just catch them and put leads on them when they want to use them!”

(I am a cashier at a popular home improvement store, and on this particular day I am working on refunds. A customer comes into the store pushing in a new ride-on lawn mower.)

Me: “Good morning, what can I do for you today?”

Customer: “Your incompetent associates sold me this tractor, and it doesn’t even work! I demand a refund?”

Me: “No problem, sir. May I see your receipt?”

Customer: “I don’t have my receipt, but I bought it yesterday. All I want to do is get another, and I need it NOW!”

Me: “Well, I need to call an associate from the department to see what is wrong with the tractor. Maybe it can easily be fixed.”

(I phone a season associate and he comes over to look at the tractor. He proceeds to ask the customer what is wrong with it.)

Customer: “I spent thousands of dollars on this. You…” *points to seasonal associate* “…sold me this piece of s***! I turned the key and it doesn’t even turn on!”

Other Associate: “Sir, there’s no gas in it.”

Customer: “Of course there’s no gas in it! Give me a working one NOW!”

Other Associate: “It needs gas to run. You know, like a car.”

(The customer angrily argues that gas will not fix the problem and refuses to listen. My fellow associate takes it outside, puts gas in it and it starts right away. The other associate walks in alone and the customer drives off with his working tractor.)

Me: “Is it going to be that kind of day?”

Other Associate: “Yep, I think so. Put gas in it and it’s working just fine. Guy was too embarrassed to come in and apologize!”

(My eight-year-old brother and I are discussing words that end in ‘cide’.)

Me: “Homicide is killing someone else, only sometimes it’s more specific. Like if you kill your mother, that’s matricide. And if you kill a king, that’s regicide.”

Brother: “What do you call killing someone by dancing?”

Me: “Jazzercide.”

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(I am trying to show my husband how much faith I have in him.)

Me: “Who’s your biggest cheerleader?”

Husband: *sigh* “You are.”

Me: “And who loves you more than anything else in the world?”

Husband: “My mommy.”

(I glare.)

Husband: “Ember?” (Ember is a dog.)

(I glare.)

Husband: “You?”

(I work at a well-known global fast food restaurant. It is 10 o’clock at night and we are waiting for the last customer to leave so we can close. Note that I have a crush on my coworker.)

Customer: “I just want to let you know, my son threw-up in the playground. Someone needs to clean it up before he falls.”

(The customer’s son is four years old. He had just eaten an entire meal before playing on the playground.)

Manager: “You two!” *addresses my crush and I* “Go clean the playground up. Some kid threw up.”

(The whole clean up process takes almost two hours. My crush and I spent two hours cleaning vomit out of the plastic bubble. Four months later, we started dating. That was almost 4 years ago. We are happily married today. Not many people can say they met cleaning a stranger’s vomit out of a playground.)