Archive for August, 2012

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He Will Be Hot Headed About This Subject

| Related | August 27, 2012

(I’m on a beach with my 6-year-old brother, who plays nearby. At some point, I hear him scream in frustration.)

Brother: “Argh!”

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Brother: “I’m putting hot stones on my head! Why isn’t my hair on fire yet?”

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Not-So-Bright Of Way

| Working | August 27, 2012

(I’m taking one of my first driving lessons. I’m doing well because my partner has been teaching me for six months prior to this lesson with a driving school instructor. We’re coming up to a four-way intersection. We’re on one side and there is another car opposite us, turning right.)

Instructor: “Okay, so we’re coming up to an intersection now. Quickly, tell me who has right of way here?”

Me: “I do. I’m going straight, and he’s turning right.”

Instructor: “Well done. And what if he was going straight? Who has right of way?”

Me: “…It wouldn’t matter. We’re both going straight.”

Instructor: “Wrong! Oh, wait…”

(I changed driving schools after that.)

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Don’t Tip Her Off

| Right | August 27, 2012

Customer: “I’ll have my ciabatta loaf and a small latte.”

Me: “That comes to $9.90.”

(The customer hands me a $10 dollar bill, and I give her 10 cents change. Then, she produces her loyalty card. I see that she is up for a free coffee.)

Me: “Oh, you’re due for your free coffee. I’ll give you some extra change back.” *I hand her the extra change*

Customer: “No! I don’t want it! I don’t want the money!”

Me: “But you’ve earned a free coffee.”

Customer: “I come in here EVERY time and I order a ciabatta loaf and a coffee, and it comes to $9.90. I give you a $10 note, and I give you a 10 cent tip!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry… did you want to save your free coffee for another day? It’s alright. I can—”

Customer: “No, it’s NOT alright! I didn’t want the free coffee! I don’t want it! You don’t get your 10 cent tip today!”

Me: “Okay… well, I’ll just have to wear that.”

Customer: “Stupid woman. You don’t get your 10 cent tip today!” *leaves*

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Barking Up The Wrong Animal Tree

| Related | August 26, 2012

(My dad has just finished a plate of chicken and is offering the scraps to our husky. I notice a bone on the plate.)

Me: “Careful of that bone, dad.”

Dad: “You always say this. One bone won’t hurt him.”

Me: “It will if he chokes on it.”

(I remove the stray bone.)

Dad: “He won’t choke on it. That’s what they eat in the wild!”

Me: “Wild huskies? You mean wolves right? Dogs have evolved a bit since they were wolves, dad.”

Dad: “No, not wolves, don’t be stupid! I mean wild huskies, sled dogs! They’re wild. People just catch them and put leads on them when they want to use them!”

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Dumbing On Empty

| Right | August 26, 2012

(I am a cashier at a popular home improvement store, and on this particular day I am working refunds. A customer comes into the store pushing in a new ride-on lawn mower.)

Me: “Good morning, what can I do for you today?”

Customer: “Your incompetent associates sold me this tractor, and it doesn’t even work! I demand a refund?”

Me: “No problem, sir. May I see your receipt?”

Customer: “I don’t have my receipt, but I bought it yesterday. All I want to do is get another, and I need it NOW!”

Me: “Well, I need to call an associate from the department to see what is wrong with the tractor. Maybe it can easily be fixed.”

(I phone a season associate and he comes over to look at the tractor. He proceeds to ask the customer what is wrong with it.)

Customer: “I spent thousands of dollars on this. You…” *points to seasonal associate* “…sold me this piece of s***! I turned the key and it doesn’t even turn on!”

Other Associate: “Sir, there’s no gas in it.”

Customer: “Of course there’s no gas in it! Give me a working one NOW!”

Other Associate: “It needs gas to run. You know, like a car.”

(The customer angrily argues that gas will not fix the problem and refuses to listen. My fellow associate takes it outside, puts gas in it and it starts right away. The other associate walks in alone and the customer drives off with his working tractor.)

Me: “Is it going to be that kind of day?”

Other Associate: “Yep, I think so. Put gas in it and it’s working just fine. Guy was too embarrassed to come in and apologize!”

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