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And That Is How The Crumble Crumbles

| Romantic | August 27, 2012

(My parents are arguing over the dessert at their 30th anniversary dinner.)

Mom: “Why did you get raspberries? You know I don’t like them.”

Dad: “I thought they’d make the apple crumble nice and tart.”

Mom: “I’m the only tart you need!”

Our Great DiscrimiNation, Part 2

| Right | August 27, 2012

(I’m in the library, queueing at the front desk to take out two books. I’m standing with my arms wrapped around the books. Patron #1 is talking to a librarian at the counter, while Patron #2 is waiting further down the counter.)

Patron #1: “Do you have any Islamic books?”

Librarian: “Well—”

Patron #2: *patronizing* “No, dear, because this isn’t a Muslim country. It’s a Christian country.”

(Patron #2 looks around at me and the librarian as though she expects us to agree. We are both white.)

Librarian: “Actually, we have a collection of Islamic books in both Urdu and English. They’re just over here.”

(The librarian shows Patron #1 to the books.)

Patron #2: *to me* “Can you believe that? Why do we need [Pakistani slur] books in our libraries? This is what’s wrong with this country. Maybe instead of speaking Pakistani, they should learn English and try to fit in!”

(I remove my books from my arms and lay them out clearly where she can see them. I have a sociological study of the Philippines and a history of India, as my two closest friends were born there).

Me: “Maybe what we need are more books that teach people to stop being bigoted and start respecting and understanding other people.”

Patron #2: *scoffs at me and leaves*

Customer, Know Thyself

, , , , , , | Right | August 27, 2012

(I am a customer standing in line at the bank. Two customers behind me start complaining about the length of the line.)

Customer #1: “Look at this! It’s ridiculous!”

Customer #2: “They are moving so slow! The workers should get fired for being so lazy!”

(This goes on for a couple of minutes. When I draw even with the complaining customers in the switchbacked line, I decide I can’t take it anymore and speak up.)

Me: “Look at the windows, ladies! Every one of them has customers who didn’t take the time to fill out their slips. Now the tellers have to do it for them, and that takes twice as long! They’re the ones holding up all of us, not the nice people trying to help them!”

(I’m talking loud enough for everyone at the windows to hear, hoping maybe next time they’ll wise up.)

Customers #1 and #2: *shocked*

Me: “Let me guess. Wanna borrow my pen?”

(The complaining customers sheepishly agree and fill out their slips. Three or four others in line also grab slips and start scribbling, while the customers at the windows look suitably embarrassed. When I finally get to a teller window, she leans towards me and confides in me.)

Teller: *whispering* “Thank you, from everyone here! I wish I could save the security tape of that!”


This story is part of our Bank Customer roundup!

Read the next Bank Customer roundup story!

Read the Bank Customer roundup!

Weekly Roundup: Conspiracy Theories!

Right | August 26, 2012

Conspiracy Theories! In this week’s roundup, we feature five stories of customers getting kooky over conspiracies!

  1. Pepperoni Pizza With A Side Of Pointless Paranoia (8,490 thumbs up)
    This frantic 911 caller begs to be delivered from evil… with a side of breadsticks, of course!
  2. His Groceries Have Just Been Terminated (2,750 thumbs up)
    Now hiring at the grocery store: managers, stockers, Skynet…
  3. We Can Thank Hollywood And “Hacker” Films For This (2,649 thumbs up)
    Tech Support: 1337 h@x0rz in ur carz, pwning ur batteriez!
  4. In CyberSpace, No One Can Hear You Scream (2,374 thumbs up)
    Tinfoil is a proven anti-alien deterrent, but only if you wrap the dog, too.
  5. Lost In Translation (2,585 thumbs up)
    Don’t translate this, because the government kills translators!

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

Weekly Roundup: Conspiracy Theories!

, | Right | August 26, 2012

Conspiracy Theories! In this week’s roundup, we feature five stories of customers getting kooky over conspiracies!

  1. Pepperoni Pizza With A Side Of Pointless Paranoia (8,490 thumbs up)
    This frantic 911 caller begs to be delivered from evil… with a side of breadsticks, of course!
  2. His Groceries Have Just Been Terminated (2,750 thumbs up)
    Now hiring at the grocery store: managers, stockers, Skynet…
  3. We Can Thank Hollywood And “Hacker” Films For This (2,649 thumbs up)
    Tech Support: 1337 h@x0rz in ur carz, pwning ur batteriez!
  4. In CyberSpace, No One Can Hear You Scream (2,374 thumbs up)
    Tinfoil is a proven anti-alien deterrent, but only if you wrap the dog, too.
  5. Lost In Translation (2,585 thumbs up)
    Don’t translate this, because the government kills translators!

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!