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About To Get Charged With Battery, Part 2

| Fort Myers, FL, USA | Right | March 14, 2011

(I work in an electronics store that sells power adapters as replacements for broken ones. The customer has a complaint, because the replacement plug doesn’t go in all the way. It sticks out about 2 millimeters.)

Customer: “What’ll I do if my grandson sticks his finger on it?”

Me: “Well, sir, first of all, I would hope you’d keep something like this out of his reach. Second, the space is far too small for his finger to touch it. Third, the plug only has 3 volts of electricity coming out. It won’t hurt you.”

Customer: “Prove it!”

(I proceed to plug in the adapter, and hold the tip of it between my fingers.)

Me: “See? No shock.”

Customer: “I still don’t believe you!”

Me: “Okay, sir. Here.”

(I hand the customer a 9-volt battery.)

Me: “Take this, and put your finger on top of those two bumps.”

Customer: “Fine! What’s the point of this?”

Me: “Well, right now, you’re touching a 9-volt battery on both poles. You have more voltage flowing through you, coming out of that battery, than I do touching this plug.”

(The customer thinks for a minute, as though trying to comprehend what I just said. His fingers are still in place on the battery. Suddenly, he shouts out in pain and throws the battery across the
room.)

Customer: *shouting* “How dare you! You just tried to kill me! I’m going to sue!”

(My manager, who has been watching from the back room via security camera the entire time, comes out.)

Manager: “Sir, if you really think you have a case, go ahead. You’ll be up against witnesses, security cameras with full audio, and basic elementary school science. There is no way a 9-volt battery can hurt you.”

(The customer leaves, looking forlorn and downtrodden.)

 

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Not A Creature Was Stirring, Not Even A Mouse

| Boston, MA, USA | Right | March 13, 2011

Me: “Hello, [computer company] support. How may I help you?”

Customer: “My son just bought me a computer today. He showed me how to use things like internet. But now I can’t close the window. When I click the close button, it directs me to a search page.”

Me: “Are you sure you’re clicking the close button?”

Customer: “Yes, I am. I’m putting the mouse on the top left corner of the mouse pad, in the same place where the close button on the window is. I’m clicking the mouse, and the search page pops up.”

Me: “Ma’am, you actually need to drag the mouse on the mouse pad until it’s over the close button. Then you click the mouse.”

(There are five seconds of extremely loud clicking, followed by a frustrated grunt.)

Customer: “It still isn’t working.”

Me: “Okay. There are other ways to close the window. Try pressing alt and F4.”

Customer: “Oh, that sounds far to complicated. I’ll just get my son on the next flight from Arizona to come fix it.”

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Sweet Spice

| London, UK | Right | March 13, 2011

(I work on the pizza counter at a large supermarket chain. We make individual pizzas for the customer.)

Customer: “I’d like some jelly babies.”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t put jelly babies on pizzas. What else can
I get you?”

Customer: *pause* “Jelly babies, please.”

Me: “Sir, we do not serve jelly babies here.”

(This continues for quite awhile.)

Customer: “I’d like some jelly babies.”

Me: “We do not sell jelly babies!”

(The customer then angrily points to an ingredient on the counter.)

Me: “Sir, those are jalapeños.”

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Dislike As Many As I Like

| Southampton, UK | Right | March 12, 2011

(We have free demo discs on the counter. We’re trying to get rid of them.)

Customer: “Are these to buy?”

Me: “No, they’re totally free. Take as many as you like!”

Customer: “I don’t think I’d like to take as many as I’d like. I’ll have two.”

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Contractions Speak Louder Than Words, Part 2

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Right | March 12, 2011

(It’s a very cold, snowy night. The store isn’t very busy, as most customers are tucked away safe for the night. The phone rings.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [store name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, do you guys deliver?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. We don’t.”

Caller: “But it’s really snowy outside. I shouldn’t have to drive in this weather.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Caller: “I’ll send my wife then. What time do you close?”

Me: “9 pm, sir.”

Caller: “One more thing: can you carry the bag to the car for her?”

Me: “Of course I can.”

Caller: “Great. She’s pregnant, and the doctor said she shouldn’t be lifting anything too heavy.”

 

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