Archive for 2011

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Complaining To A Fault

| Chester, England, UK | Right | April 1, 2011

Customer: “I want a refund on my sofa!”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry. What seems to be the problem with the sofa?”

Customer: “I’m not happy!”

Me: “I’m sorry you’re not happy. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Well, I’m not happy with it.”

Me: “I see. Why exactly is that?”

Customer: “There is a manufacturing fault.”

Me: “What is the fault, sir?”

Customer: “I’m not happy!”

Me: “I understand that, sir. What is the fault with the sofa?”

Customer: “Well, I’m not happy!”

Me: “With all due respect, ‘I’m not happy’ is not a manufacturing fault.”

Customer: “Of course it is. It’s manufactured to make me happy! This sofa is not fit for purpose!”

Me: “Can you sit on the sofa?”

Customer: “Of course I can!”

Me: “Then it is fit for purpose, sir.”

Customer: “But I am not happy! There must be a manufacturing fault to make me not happy with it!”

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This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 10

| USA | Right | April 1, 2011

(I am taking a delivery order.)

Me: “And how will you be paying tonight? Cash or credit?”

Caller: “Credit.”

Me: “What type of card is it?”

(The caller states the name of her bank.)

Me: “No, ma’am. I meant is it a Visa, MasterCard?”

Caller: “Oh, Visa.”

Me: “The number?”

Caller: “What number do you want?”

Me: “The big one on the front.”

Caller: “Oh, really. All of it?”

(She provides twelve numbers.)

Me: “I need four more numbers.”

Caller: “Oh, sorry. I didn’t see them there. 1234.”

Me: “Okay. And the expiration date?”

Caller: “Where do you find that?”

Me: “The bottom right corner.”

(A few seconds of silence pass.)

Caller, talking to someone else: “Find the expiration date for me.”

(She finally finds it and gives it to me. I arrive with her order, and hand her the credit card receipt. She turns to her friend, and hands it to her.)

Caller, to her friend: “Sign this for me. I don’t know how.”

Related:
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 9
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 8
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 7
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 6
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 5
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 4
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 3
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 2
This Is Why We’re In A Recession

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An Alarming Turn Of Events

| Kansas City, MO, USA | Right | March 31, 2011

Me: “Thank you for calling [security services].”

Customer: “My keypad keeps beeping and saying low battery. What does that mean?”

(I run through some basic troubleshooting. After about 10 minutes, we still can’t find the problem.)

Me: “Well, sir, I’m not exactly sure why your system is doing this. I’ll be happy to send a technician out there for you.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. By the way, my keypad seems to be on fire. Is that a bad thing?”

Me: “Yes, sir. That is really bad. Do you want me to call the fire department?”

Customer: “Oh, no. I don’t think that’s necessary, do you?”

Me: “Well, the fire may spread up the wall if it doesn’t get put out. I’d recommend spraying it with a fire extinguisher if you don’t want the fire department to come out.”

Customer: “I can’t do that!”

Me: “Why not? Do you not have a fire extinguisher?”

Customer: “No, I do! But I don’t want to be liable for damaging the alarm system by putting out the fire!”

Me: “Sir, I’m going to just hang up now and call the fire department. I’d really recommend you go outside and wait for them.”

Customer: “You know, I don’t understand why you think this is such a big deal, young lady!”

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No Need To Be Shirty

| Montreal, QC, Canada | Right | March 31, 2011

Me: “Can I help you with something?”

Customer: “Yeah. I have a guy painting a room in my house, but I told him I don’t like it.”

Me: “If you’d like another color, I can help you pick a new one.”

Customer: “That’d be great. I have to cover up this color. It’s the most horrible, disgusting color I’ve ever seen. It looks like…it looks like…”

(The customer looks up at me, and points.)

Customer: “It looks like your shirt.”

(I am speechless.)

Customer: “Yeah, ugly like your shirt. Oh, sorry! It’s a nice shirt, I guess.”

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Physician, Heal Thyself

| Pawtucket, RI, USA | Right | March 31, 2011

Caller: “Hi, do you have any reports by Dr. Smith?”

Me: “Certainly. On what patient?”

Caller: “Not specific ones.”

Me: “Oh. So you need all Dr. Smith’s most recent reports?”

Caller: “Not necessarily recent.”

Me: “So, not specific patients, not specific dates. Do you want all his reports, ever?”

Caller: “I think. I don’t know. Okay.” *hangs up*

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