(I work in a doctor’s office calling previous patients asking them to rate the quality of their visit. If they rate it “good” or below, I have to ask why and take down the reason. I have just gotten through most of the questions, when I ask the final one.)

Me: “…and would you rate our billing service as excellent, very good, good, fair, or poor?”

Patient: “Oh, good, I guess.”

Me: “Okay, and may I ask why you didn’t rate it excellent or very good?”

Patient: “It’s a BILL!”

Me: *laughing* “All right, I will make sure to make a note of that. Thank you very much and have a wonderful day!”

(My grandma is incredibly crazy when it comes to hockey. My family is watching the game in the living room when a player on my grandma’s favorite team gets hit.)

Grandma: *gasps* “You can’t shove someone like that! That’s not nice! This is hockey!”

(Everyone rolls their eyes. An hour later, a player on the other team gets hit.)

Grandma: *now blood-thirsty* “Nice hit! He deserved that one!”

(The player gets up.)

Grandma: “Why is he getting up? He shouldn’t be able to get up yet! Why is he getting up?”

(Everyone stares at grandma.)

Grandma: “Oh… uh… I mean…”

(She giggled awkwardly and continued watching quietly.)

This story is part of our Gorgeous Grandmas roundup!

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Customer: “Your prices are outrageous!”

Me: “I know. I, myself, prefer to fill up somewhere cheaper.”

Customer: “You should shop here, you know.”

Me: “I buy some of my things here, but I always fill up somewhere cheaper.”

Customer: “No, no, you should fill up and buy everything here! Otherwise, you’ll go to Hell.”

Me: “Uh, I really don’t think God will mind too much if I don’t buy everything from here.”

Customer: “You’d better be sure. I wouldn’t want you to go to Hell.”

Me: “Oh, uh, thanks, I guess?”

Customer: “I don’t want any d*** gas station attendants filling up my Hell just because they didn’t fill up at their own store.”

(A customer walks up to the counter.)

Me: “Hi, sir! What can I get—“

Customer: “Hi! I’m Canadian! Do you have a normal coffee?”

Me: *confused* “Erm, yes, sir, we have filter coffee that you can add milk to, if you’d like?”

Customer: “That’ll do. Thanks!”

(We finish the transaction and I’m still confused as to his interesting but random piece of information. I watch him as he goes towards the station where the milk is kept. There is another customer there putting milk in her coffee. When she finishes, he reaches across to get the milk.)

Customer: “Hi! I’m Canadian!”

(My dad is offering the family tea, and he finally offers tea to my grandma. My grandma has a tendency to go off on long tangents over the simplest things.)

Dad: “Hey grandma, do you want tea?”

Grandma: “Tea?”

Dad: “Yes, tea.”

Grandma: “Oh, tea. I remember when I first had tea, it gave me horrible stomach problems…”

(She proceeds to go on for 20 minutes about tea and coffee, and how each affects her body.)

Grandma: “…and coffee was just as bad…and then, when I was forty…”

Me: “Oh, dear God.”

Dad: *aside to me* “I think I can assume that this entire thing was a ‘no’ from her.”