Customer: “I need the status of a package.”

Me: “Okay. May I have the tracking number?”

Customer: “My tracking number is 1E8L00L25–”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, are you sure that’s one of our tracking numbers? Generally, our numbers won’t have any letters in the middle.”

Customer: “Yes, I’m sure those are the numbers.”

Me: “Are you sure this package wasn’t sent with another service?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m absolutely positive that I sent it with you! It’s the right number, unless–”

(He pauses for a moment as he tries to figure out what’s going on.)

Customer: “Oh. I’m looking at it upside down. It’s 257007831.”

(A young woman and her boyfriend are in the adult section talking in whispers so as not to disturb other customers. Another woman storms up to the information desk.)

Customer #1: “Excuse me! I want you to throw those two out right now!”

Me: “May I ask why?”

Customer #1: “They’re talking about a very inappropriate subject.”

Me: “We’ll, ma’am, they are in the adult section.”

Customer #1: “I heard them talking about… ugh. How can you let them say those things?”

Customer #2: “Pardon me, I would like to complain about this woman. She’s been looming over our shoulders for fifteen minutes.”

Me: *To [Customer #1]* “Let me get this straight. You walked into the adult section, got real close to a whispered conversation, listened for fifteen minutes, and want to complain because you don’t like the subject? Why would you listen for that long if you didn’t like what you heard?”

Customer #1: “Um, er, uh…” *leaves in a hurry*

(We are currently running a promotion where customers can get 20% off their entire purchase with a coupon. On this day, I watch as a customer brings 5 items into the changing room, picks up the first item, and brings it to the cash register, leaving the other four behind.)

Customer: “Just this, please.”

Me: “Sure. Was there a problem with the other four items?”

Customer: “No, no, I still want them! Leave them there for me. I’ll come back for them.”

Me: “You’ll… come back for them? I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m afraid we don’t reserve items.”

Customer: “I’ll only be a second!”

(I decide not to say anything and continue with the transaction.)

Customer: “Wait, I want to use my coupon! It’s a 20% discount!”

(I take her coupon and bring up her new total. She pays and leaves the store. However, she immediately turns on her heel and comes back in, heading towards the changing rooms where she picks up the next item on the pile and brings it to me.)

Customer: “Hello, just this, please. And I have a coupon!” *takes out another coupon*

Me: “You know, ma’am, this isn’t necessary. 20% off the total price of all the items is exactly the same as the sum of 20% off each individual item. So you can just buy all your items in a single transaction.”

Customer: “Are you stupid? If I bought them in a single transaction, I’d only be getting 20% off! But I have five coupons! Twenty times five is a hundred! So now, I’m getting 100% off!”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: *winks* “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone how to cheat the system!”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. May I please have your card number?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “I can help look up your account if you don’t have your card with you. May I please have your phone number on file?”

Caller: “I’m not giving you that. You will steal my information.”

Me: “I assure you, ma’am, we keep our security procedures to ensure that your information remains safe. Can I look you up by your name?”

Caller: “I’m not giving you my name or my phone number. You’re going to use it to steal my information. I just want to know what my balance is.”

Me: “Without your card number or another way to look you up, I’m unable to provide your balance information.”

Caller: “Can’t you just look me up by my social?”

(I’m working the floor at a local video game store when a visibly angry woman comes up to me with a game in her hand.)

Customer: “What sort of filth are you selling here!? My son has been playing this game, and I found out it’s about killing the Pope!”

(She’s holding a copy of “Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood”. Its antagonist is Rodrigo Borgia, the Pope of Renaissance Italy.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am, the villain in that game is an embellished version of an actual Pope who was historically known for–”

Woman: “Look! I know you’re just doing your job, but I live in a Christian household and I won’t have my son learning to hate religion!”

(I give her a refund, and then try to find her a game she approves of.)

Woman: “Okay, what’s this one about?” *picks up Halo: Reach*

Me: “Well, in that game you play as a futuristic super soldier who battles a race of religiously devout–”

(She screams, throws the game down, and storms out. The next day, she comes back and buys “God of War III” simply because it “has God in the title”.)