Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I have a reservation under [Name]. I’m at the airport and need a shuttle to pick me up.”

Me: “Sure thing, sir. I’ll send it right out! Just wait by the taxi island outside of baggage claim.”

(About fifteen minutes later, the driver calls me saying he can’t see anyone. At the same time the customer calls back.)

Customer: “Hi, I was wondering if the shuttle was on its way.”

Me: “The driver is out there now, sir, and has circled around but says he can’t see anyone. Are you by baggage claim at the taxi island?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m by the cabs on the second level.”

Me: “Wait, second level? Sir, what airport are you at now?”

Customer: “At San Francisco airport, of course.”

Me: “Sir, I’m not sure how to tell you this, but you’re in San Francisco.”

Customer: “Yeah, I just said that!”

Me: “This hotel is in Fresno.”

Customer: “Yeah, Fresno is like a suburb, right?”

Me: “We’re about two hours away in central California.”

Customer: “Oh my God, it’s midnight and I have an interview at 7 am in Fresno. I’m screwed!”

(I directed the customer to information. Thankfully, he was able to find one last rental car place open, and made it just in time to change for his interview.)

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Customer: “Do you stock world maps here?”

Me: “Sure.”

(I show the woman some maps of varying sizes.)

Customer: “Those maps depict so much water. Don’t you have any without so much water in them?”

(A couple walks in, takes a look at the buffet, and then signals me over.)

Me: “What can I do for you?”

Customer: “So, we’re vegetarian. What can we eat?”

(I point out which dishes are vegetarian and explain a little bit about the food.)

Customer: “Okay, thanks, but we aren’t going to be eating any meat. Can you please take the chicken dishes away? We don’t want them.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but this is a buffet open to everyone. Other customers will eat the chicken dishes.”

Customer: “Well, can you just move them aside for me then? I don’t want to look at them. We won’t be needing them.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can’t change the order of the buffet. If you look, you’ll notice that the chicken and vegetarian are completely separate from each other. It would be hard to get them confused.”

Customer: “Okay, fine! Also, we don’t eat that much, so you should only charge us for one buffet.”

(They both proceed to get at least five plates each. Normally I would have charged them for two people, but my workplace is pretty lenient. I don’t want to cause any more trouble, so I only charge them for one buffet when the wife comes up to pay.)

Me: “That will be $8.50, please.”

Customer: “What?! But I told you to only charge us for one buffet! We didn’t eat that much!”

Me: “We charge $7.99 per person plus tax. I only charged you for one.”

Customer: *happily* “Oh, okay!”

(She hands me 25 cents.)

Customer: “Here you go, dear! I know how you servers don’t like being tipped on a credit card! This way, you won’t get taxed! Thanks so much!”

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(I’m a white male working as a lifeguard at a small neighborhood pool. This pool is for members only with a strict pool pass policy. If they don’t have a pass, they can’t enter. A woman walks into the pool area and walks right past the lifeguard table. As she walks away, I stop her.)

Me: “Um, ma’am? Yes, hi. Do you have your pool pass?”

Woman: “No. They were never issued to me.”

Me: “Oh, well, I’m sorry, but I’ll have to ask you to leave.”

Woman: “Is it because I used to be a dude?”

Me: “No, ma’am, of course not. You see, we have a very strict ‘No Pass, No Entry’ policy.”

Woman: “Do you know how racist you sound right now?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Woman: “This is the last time I’ll be treated like this! Just you wait until I tell the KKK about this!” *storms out*

(A girl walks into our hair salon and makes a strange request for her boyfriend’s appointment.)

Customer: “Can you cut it shorter than he says you should? He’ll demand he doesn’t have to pay, but I’ll just pay in advance.”

Me: “You have to go through all this just to get his hair shorter?”

Customer: “Oh, it’s not about the short hair. I just think it’s hot when he throws a fit.”