Archive for 2011

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You’re Just Spin-Cycling Your Wheels

| Nova Scotia, Canada | Right | August 15, 2011

(I work at a gas station with a carwash. A customer comes in and pushes his way to the front of the line. He is holding a shirt that is dripping wet.)

Customer: “Your car wash sucks!”

Me: “Sorry to hear that. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I just bought a car wash and it didn’t clean anything! There is still a giant stain on it.”

Me: “There is a giant stain on your car, sir?”

Customer: “I don’t drive a car! I drive a truck, and the stain is on my shirt, you idiot!”

(He holds up his shirt to show me a nice brown stain in the middle of his white shirt. I look at him confused for a few seconds until I look outside and see two men pulling clothes out from the back of a bright blue truck.)

Me: “Sir, did you try and wash your clothes in our car wash?”

Customer: “No, I am just standing here with a wet shirt for fun. I want a refund. It didn’t clean my shirt!”

Me: “Sorry, this isn’t a laundromat, sir. I’m sorry. There is nothing I can do.”

Customer: “I bought a luxury car wash and it didn’t clean s***! I want my f***ing money back!”

Me: “We only give refunds on vehicles that haven’t been cleaned, sir.”

(The customer yells a few choice words, threatens to call the head office, and leaves. To date, I have not heard from the head office.)

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The Case Of The Missing Pi

| New Hampshire, USA | Right | August 15, 2011

(While the children are playing in our play rooms, I set up the room where they eat and open presents. I put a piece of pizza on each plate so that the kids can start eating as soon as they come in, as they are only allowed a certain amount of time.)

Mother: “I ordered five boxes of pizza, but there are only four there.”

Me: “That’s because I already used one box of pizza when I put a piece on each plate.”

Mother: “Well, what happened to it? I want another box of pizza.”

Me: “I put the empty box in the trash can, but I assure you that there were five full boxes to begin with.”

Mother: “No! I want another box of pizza for free! I can’t believe you would try to trick me!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m absolutely not trying to trick you. If you want, we can certainly order you another pizza, but unfortunately it won’t get here for another 30 minutes.”

Mother: “This is absurd! I want to talk to your manager!”

(Our manager then tries to explain to the mother that she did, in fact, get five pizzas, but she won’t believe him. A couple weeks later, we receive an electronic survey from her, where she again accused us of “stealing her pizza”.)

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The Literal, The Literary, And The Aviary

| Chicago, IL, USA | Right | August 15, 2011

(A teenage customer walks in. She looks around for a while, but it seems she can’t find what she’s looking for.)

Me: “Do you need any help, ma’am?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for the book that teaches you how to kill birds.”

Me: “We have a few hunting books in non-fiction if that’s what your looking for.”

Customer: “No. This book is fiction. It’s called How To Kill A Bird or something.”

Me: “Are you talking about To Kill a Mockingbird?”

Customer: “Yes! That’s it! Could you tell me where that is?”

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Color Me Stupid

| St Louis, MO, USA | Right | August 15, 2011

(Note: I am fairly new at the liquor store, so I’m still learning about all the wines, beers, and liqueurs.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you have Nuvo Pink?”

Me: “Umm, I’m not sure. What is that?”

Customer: “It’s a liqueur.”

Me: “Okay, well, it would be over here.”

(I take the customer over to the the shelves and start looking for it.)

Me: “If we don’t have it, perhaps we have something similar. What flavor is it?”

Customer: “Pink.”

Me: “No, what flavor?”

Customer: “The flavor is pink!”

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Seeing Oneself In Others

| Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Right | August 14, 2011

(A regular comes in and hangs out for a while. Clearly, he doesn’t really want to go back to work.)

Customer: “It’s boring there. I don’t want to go back.”

(He sees a mannequin dressed in camo.)

Customer: “Can I take him with me? He’d blend right in.” *chuckles*

Me: “Um…he’s a tad heavy and falls apart a lot.”

Customer: “Perfect. He’s just like me!”

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