Me: “Hello, how can I help?”
Caller: “I think I have a gas leak. I’ve been trying to find it with a lighter, but no success yet. Could you send somebody out?”
Me: “Sorry, what? You’re trying to find it with a lighter?”
Caller: “Yes, I thought it would help.”
Me: “It absolutely won’t! Do not use it! Turn off all your appliances and call [emergency gas service number].”
Caller: “Oh, okay… I was only trying to help!”
(A customer comes in with a laptop that he bought and a laptop sleeve that he got for free with the laptop.)
Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”
Customer: “Well, this sleeve doesn’t fit the laptop.”
Me: “Okay, that’s no problem, sir. I don’t have any larger sleeves, but you can take a look at the laptop bags.”
Customer: “No, I just want my money back.”
Me: “Well, sir, you didn’t pay anything for the sleeve. It came for free with the laptop as part of a promotion. I can return it for you, but you won’t get any money back.”
Customer: “Are you sure?”
Me: “Yes, sir. I can go ask the manager if you like.”
Customer: “Do that.”
(I go in the back and talk to the manager, who tells me exactly what I just told the customer. Then, I head back out to the front.)
Me: “Well, sir, the manager told me the same thing. I can return it, but you won’t get any money back.”
Customer: “This is unacceptable! Who do you people think you are? I want my money back!”
Me: “But, sir, you didn’t pay anything for it.”
Customer: “This is outrageous! Go get your manager! I’ll get your a** fired!”
(A lady orders an ice cream cone from our drive-thru window. After getting her ice cream, she comes back about 5 minutes later. Keep in mind it’s a sweltering hot day.)
Me: “Hi, was there something else I can help you with?”
Customer: *angrily* “I think there’s something wrong with your ice cream machine!”
Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t believe there is. What’s wrong?”
Customer: “My ice cream has melted!”
Me: “Could it be because it’s 105 degrees outside?”
Customer: *leaves in a huff*
(I work as a cashier in a grocery store. I have a regular customer named Hector. He is eighty-seven years old and he has come to the store every Wednesday for the last three months and will only wait in my line. If my shift hasn’t started yet, he will gather his groceries, including Luanne’s Depends, and wait until my shift starts.)
Me: “Good afternoon! Did you find everything okay?”
Hector: “H*** no, I did not! I was looking for the d***ed chainsaw section, but you don’t even have one!”
Me: “Well, sir, I’m afraid we don’t sell chainsaws here; this is a grocery store.”
Hector: “That’s not what the dips*** in the booze aisle told me! Jesus, this is the worst store ever!”
Me: “Um, I’m sorry, sir. But, hey, if you’re about to blow a gasket, we do have Depends, if you’re interested. They’re on sale right now.”
Hector: “S***! I forgot to get Luanne’s Depends! She won’t do the nasty with me if I forget them! Thanks, little lady!”
(Line activations for Internet service can take up until midnight of the activation date. I am explaining this to the customer and helping him get the software installed on his PC in the meantime.)
Customer: “So, what kind of things can go wrong?”
Me: “Well, a number of things. Most of them are relatively simple to sort out and we should be able to talk it through.”
Customer: “If it doesn’t work after midnight, if something goes wrong, what would I need to do?”
Me: “Okay, well, we’re open twenty-four hours, so even if it’s one minute past midnight, give us a call back and we can do some troubleshooting.”
Customer: “Send out an engineer. I don’t want some f****** technically untrained idiot in call center messing around. I want an actual technician sent out.”
Me: “I assure you, our call center staff are the first line of troubleshooting and can resolve the problem over the phone most of the time.”
Customer: “Just send me out a f***ing engineer now. I know someone in a call centre won’t be able to resolve my fault.”
Me: “So, what exactly is the problem?”
Customer: “I don’t know. It hasn’t happened yet!”
