(A customer and his son approach the counter. Note that the son is no more than eleven or twelve years old.)
Customer: “Hey, my son has something to ask you.”
Me: “Yes?”
Customer’s son: “Will you wanna go out with me?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Customer: “Come on, it’s his first time asking a girl out! If you turn him down, he might get discouraged and go gay. You don’t want to turn him gay, do you?!”
(The customer is a very pregnant woman in the process of being rung up and has just seen the subtotal on her purchase. She then awkwardly drops to one knee in front of the register.)
Customer: “Will you marry me?”
Me: “I’m sorry?”
Customer: “I really need you to marry me right now. That would get me a discount, right?”
(Four or five awkward seconds pass as I stand there, speechless and not sure what to say in response.)
Customer: “Hurry up. My knee is starting to hurt!”
(A frantic, middle-aged man rushes to the check-in counter at my hospital.)
Patient: “I need a doctor!”
Me: “What seems to be your problem, sir?”
Patient: “I don’t feel good! My heartbeat is racing fast! I can’t see straight. I need a doctor NOW!”
Me: “Sir, please calm down. When did you start having these symptoms? Did you take any medication today?”
Patient: “I don’t know! It started after I smoked that joint. It was my first time!”
Me: “What was the name of the company you worked for?”
Caller: “Sorry?”
Me: “What was the name of the company you worked for?”
Caller: “Did you ask for the name of the company I worked for?”
Me: “Yes.”
Caller: “They were called ‘The Listening Company’.”
(It’s 11:30 pm and the fast food restaurant I work at has already closed at 11:00 pm. I am standing at the counter finishing the cashout when a customer walks in.)
Customer: “Hi, give me a teen burger combo.”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we’re closed now. The restaurant was only open until eleven.”
Customer: *ignores me* “I’d like onion rings instead of fries.”
Me: “Ma’am, I can’t make you any food right now. Everything is off and we are closed.”
Customer: “What? That’s f***ing ridiculous! My daughter is in the hospital and I need to get something to eat!”
Me: “I’m sorry about that, ma’am, but I can’t re-open the store for you.”
Customer: “That’s bulls**t! What the f*** am I supposed to do now?!”
Me: “Well, I believe there’s another fast food restaurant just down the street that’s open 24 hours–”
Customer: “No! No! Don’t f***ing tell me to go there! My nephew is in the hospital and I am not going to bring him food from another f***ing restaurant!”
Me: “Ma’am, I thought it was your daughter in the hospital.”
(The customer freezes for a moment before realizing her mistake.)
Customer: “F*** you!” *leaves*
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