(It is December and Christmas decorations have been recently put up throughout town. I recognize our town manager in the store. She is responsible for all the towns’ decorations.)

Me: *as I am ringing up her books* “I love all the lights downtown!”

Town Manager: “Thank you!”

Me: “My favorite is the reindeer topiary garden!”

Town Manager: *scowling* “Well, they do look nice, but unfortunately, the children like them, too.

Me: *confused* “Excuse me?”

Town Manager: “The children! They are always trying to touch the reindeer.”

Me: “I’m sure they’re very excited about Christmas, and hearing all about Rudolph.”

Town Manager: “The decorations are for looking at! Not for touching! I suggested electricity but no one liked that idea.”

Me: “You suggested what?”

Town Manager: “Just a light jolt, to discourage the children!”

(I am stunned and silent.)

Town Manager: “No, no one else liked that idea, either.”

Me: “Here are your books! Happy holidays!”

This story is part of the Christmas Day roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

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(I’m shopping for Christmas ornaments when a woman and her husband walk into the store.)

Wife: “Look at this; this is a sin! They hardly have anything.”

Husband: “The Christmas section gets smaller and smaller each year. I barely saw any decorations in the store, either.”

Wife: *picking up an angel table topper* “This is just disrespectful. They should have another three or four kinds of trees!”

Husband: “I agree, dear, this selection is disappointing. How are we supposed to properly celebrate with this?”

(They continue on like this for another five to ten minutes. Finally, the woman storms up to me.)

Wife: “You! As a God-fearing Christian, do you think this tiny little section is disrespectful to our Lord and Savior? How dare they not be respectful of our religious beliefs?! We should go complain!”

Me: “Yeah, I know what you mean. I’m Pagan and I can never find any good Beltane decorations here.”

(She literally ran from the seasonal section. I heard a security alarm a minute or two later. I think she forgot to pay for the angel that she never put down.)

(I work in a department next to the exit. A mother, father, and daughter set off the alarm.)

Me: “Excuse me, I need to check your bag for something.”

Husband: “God, really? Fine.”

(I pull out a kid’s DVD.)

Daughter: “What’s that?”

Wife: “Great, just great! Here, honey, this was supposed to be one of your Christmas presents! This woman here ruined Christmas! I hope you’re happy that you ruined Christmas for this entire family!”

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(A dad and his children are in my checkout line. I’m ringing up items for the family when I hear his children talking to each other.)

Eight-Year-Old Son: “Want to hear a joke?

Five-Year-Old Son: “Yeah!”

Eight-Year-Old Son: “Knock knock.”

Five-Year-Old Son: “Who’s there?”

Eight-Year-Old Son: “Merry!”

Five-Year-Old Son: “Merry who?”

Eight-Year-Old Son: “Merry, it’s almost Christmas!”

(I laugh.)

Dad: *looking at me and laughing too* “Yeah, I was wondering where he was going with that.”

(An elderly gentleman selects a paintbrush and takes it to the counter.)

Customer: “Now, I don’t pay for items. I sing and dance on the tabletops instead.”

Me: *I laugh, thinking he’s joking* “That’s $1.19 please.”

Customer: “Well, I reckon that’d be about a minute’s worth of singing.”

Me: *still thinking he’s joking* “Actually, it’s $1.19, so it’s probably more like a minute and twenty seconds.”

(The customer then starts singing a monotone song — something about a cat. He is hobbling from side to side. I can’t help it; I just laugh until tears are running down my face.)

Customer: “That was verse one! There are 93 more!”

Me: “In that case, I’ll just take the cash.”

This story is part of our Musically Ignorant Customers roundup!

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