Archive for 2010

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Stupidity Bytes

| Tennessee, USA | Right | May 20, 2010

Me: “Thanks for coming in! Anything I can help you find today?”

Customer: “I need the internet.”

Me: “Okay. You need to get connected to the internet at your house?”

Customer: “No! I need the internet, idiot. Don’t you guys sell them here with lots of gigglebites and dial-up modems and the like?”

Me: “You need a computer tower then? We have plenty of those.”

Customer: “No! I need the internet! My friend has an internet and its fast and has 10 gigglebites.”

Me: “Okay, I will do everything I can to help you. I would also recommend you grab a copy of one of our guides that should be a great help.”

(I show him a copy of Computers for Dummies.)

Customer: “Does it come with the internet?”

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Emergency Services Must Be Pooped

| Tampa, FL, USA | Right | May 19, 2010

(I get dispatched to a call: ‘1 year old male, possibly crying’. We get on scene and the mother opens the front door with a happy and healthy baby in her arms.)

Me: “Hi, ma’am. What seems to be the problem today?”

Mother: “Well, my baby just looked terrible so I freaked out and called you guys.”

Me: “It’s not a problem. Can you tell me what happened?”

Mother: “Well it was right after dinner. He looked confused, turned bright red, and started crying uncontrollably.”

Me: “And when did he stop crying?”

Mother: “He just stopped right before you guys got here. I changed his diaper, and here we are.”

Me: “Ma’am, I think I know what the problem is. Your baby was just constipated.”

(At this point, the grandmother walks in the room.)

Grandmother: “You called 911? He had to poop! I told you he wasn’t ready for solid food! I’m sorry, guys. You can go back to the people who really need your help. I got this.”

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When Your Number Is Up

| Nova Scotia, Canada | Right | May 19, 2010

Customer: “Hi, I’m here for the immunization clinic.”

Me: “Sir, this is a bingo hall.”

Customer: “You’re mistaken, the people at the hospital told me to come here.”

Me: “Sorry sir, this is a bingo hall. I don’t know why they would tell you to come here.”

Customer: “What are those people doing here then?” *points at the people playing bingo*

Me: “They’re playing bingo, sir.”

Customer: “You’re lying to me! You just want me to die!”

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If Someone Asks You If You’re With God, You Say Yes

| Brighton, UK | Right | May 19, 2010

Patron: “I would like to make a complaint about God.”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Patron: “I come in here all the time! I am told this is the house of God and I never see him!”

Me: “You do realize that you won’t physically ‘see’ God in the Church? House of God means you can come here to communicate with him, or seek counsel from those who do.”

Patron: “Is that you?”

Me: “I am qualified, yes.”

Patron: “So you’re in direct communication with God?”

Me: “I interpret the scriptures for guidance, and I pray. I don’t have direct communication.”

Patron: “So you’re not with God?”

Me: “I study him and his will.”

Patron: “You’re not friends?”

Me: “No.”

Patron: “Not even colleagues?”

Me: “No.”

Patron: “Anyone around here higher up that might be?”

Me: “No more than anyone else I’m afraid.”

Patron: “What about that Pope guy? He’s always talking about what God said.”

Me: “You could try.”

Patron: “Is he around? Can you call him down?”

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Health Care(less)

| Greenville, SC, USA | Right | May 19, 2010

Me: “That will be $43.78, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh, no it won’t.”

Me: “I’m sorry, did you have insurance? You weren’t in the system. Do you have your card on you?”

Customer: “No, I don’t have insurance. Obama said health care is free.”

Me: “I don’t think that’s how it works, ma’am.”

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