Me: “Thanks for coming in! Anything I can help you find today?”

Customer: “I need the Internet.”

Me: “Okay. You need to get connected to the Internet at your house?”

Customer: “No! I need the Internet, idiot. Don’t you guys sell them here with lots of gigglebites and dial-up modems and the like?”

Me: “You need a computer tower then? We have plenty of those.”

Customer: “No! I need the Internet! My friend has an Internet and it’s fast and has ten gigglebites.”

Me: “Okay, I will do everything I can to help you. I would also recommend you grab a copy of one of our guides; that should be a great help.”

(I show him a copy of Computers for Dummies.)

Customer: “Does it come with the Internet?”

This story is part of our Tongue-Tied Customers roundup!

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Me: “Hi, I’m calling from [Company] verifying that you are looking for information on a loan modification.”

Caller: “I was, until I found out you couldn’t help me.”

Me: “Well, sir, I’m not sure why you think that. We have been able to help lots of people. If you would like, I can connect you with a counselor who will be able to let you know what can be done.”

Caller: “You can’t do anything for me.”

Me: “I can assure you that there is something we can do. At least we can provide you with some information.”

Caller: “You can’t do anything unless you are able to invade the Chinese.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “The only way you can help me is by invading the Chinese.”

Me: “Well, sir, I think you are right. I don’t think there is anything we can do for you. Have a nice day.”

This story is included in our impossible requests roundup!

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(I get dispatched to a call: ‘one-year-old male, possibly crying.’ We get on scene and the mother opens the front door with a happy and healthy baby in her arms.)

Me: “Hi, ma’am. What seems to be the problem today?”

Mother: “Well, my baby just looked terrible so I freaked out and called you guys.”

Me: “It’s not a problem. Can you tell me what happened?”

Mother: “It was right after dinner. He looked confused, turned bright red, and started crying uncontrollably.”

Me: “And when did he stop crying?”

Mother: “He just stopped right before you guys got here. I changed his diaper, and here we are.”

Me: “Ma’am, I think I know what the problem is. Your baby was just constipated.”

(At this point, the grandmother walks in the room.)

Grandmother: “You called 911? He had to poop! I told you he wasn’t ready for solid food! I’m sorry, guys. You can go back to the people who really need your help. I got this.”

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Customer: “Hi, I’m here for the immunization clinic.”

Me: “Sir, this is a bingo hall.”

Customer: “You’re mistaken. The people at the hospital told me to come here.”

Me: “Sorry, sir, this is a bingo hall. I don’t know why they would tell you to come here.”

Customer: “What are those people doing here then?” *points at the people playing bingo*

Me: “They’re playing bingo, sir.”

Customer: “You’re lying to me! You just want me to die!”

Patron: “I would like to make a complaint about God.”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Patron: “I come in here all the time! I am told this is the house of God and I never see Him!”

Me: “You do realize that you won’t physically ‘see’ God in the Church? House of God means you can come here to communicate with Him, or seek counsel from those who do.”

Patron: “Is that you?”

Me: “I am qualified, yes.”

Patron: “So you’re in direct communication with God?”

Me: “I interpret the scriptures for guidance, and I pray. I don’t have direct communication.”

Patron: “So you’re not with God?”

Me: “I study Him and His will.”

Patron: “You’re not friends?”

Me: “No.”

Patron: “Not even colleagues?”

Me: “No.”

Patron: “Anyone around here higher up that might be?”

Me: “No more than anyone else I’m afraid.”

Patron: “What about that Pope guy? He’s always talking about what God said.”

Me: “You could try.”

Patron: “Is he around? Can you call him down?”