(We are having our annual Christmas party/potluck dinner one Sunday night at our fast food restaurant. I’ve placed signs showing we are closed and have blocked off the drive-thru. One of my fellow employees notices a man standing at the counter.)

Me: “Hi, sir, can I help you with something?”

Customer: “I have been standing here for five minutes and I haven’t been helped! Give me a number one with a sweet tea.”

Me: “Well, we are closed on Sundays. This is our Christmas Party.”

Customer: “Closed? All the lights are on!”

Me: “Yes, we need them for the party.”

Customer: “I have never heard of such a thing. So I can’t get that number one?”

Me: “No, sir. All of our machines are off. We are closed.”

Customer: “What about a sweet tea?”

Me: “Sir, we are closed. We don’t have anything we can give to customers.”

(The customer sees our buffet-style employee potluck.)

Customer: “Well, can I get a plate?”

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Me: “Good afternoon, thank you for calling [Church]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to know why the time of the Christmas Eve mass was changed.”

Me: “There was a scheduling conflict with the Christmas Carol Concert. I’m sorry if it’s caused an inconvenience for you.”

Customer: “It has. Many of them.”

Me: “I’m so sorry.”

Customer: “You’ll change it back, then?”

Me: “Um, no. See, there’s still the scheduling conflict.”

Customer: “But I have plans at the mass’s new time! I need you to change it back!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m really not in charge of that decision.”

Customer: “I am not getting off the phone until you change it back.”

Me: “There really isn’t anything I can do for you. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Have you called the Pope and told him about this? Call the Pope and tell him that your priests have changed the mass time. He’ll fix it.”

Me: “I actually don’t have his number on me.”

Customer: “I’ll hold.”

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(I’m working in layby (AKA layaways) and dealing with the Christmas shopping rush.)

Customer: “Can I organize delivery for this item?”

Me: “We can, but we can’t guarantee it will arrive before Christmas because you didn’t pay it off by the first.”

Customer: “What? Are you trying to ruin Christmas? My grandchildren will cry and find out there is no Santa. Nobody told me I had to pay it off by then!”

Me: “I’m sorry, all the terms and conditions of the layby were printed on your receipt…” *I point it out on the receipt* “See, right here, above where you signed to say that accepted them.”

Customer: “But nobody TOLD me to read them!”

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Customer: “I’m not buying carpet from you because you don’t sell Christmas trees.”

Me: “Actually, we have them in the garden center.”

Customer: “No, you sell holiday trees. You’re afraid of offending people, but this is the Christmas season, not the holiday season.”

Me: “It’s just our policy, sir.”

Customer: “I’m going to [Another Home Improvement Store] where they aren’t afraid of offending!”

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Customer: “It’s so loud in here!”

Me: “I know, right? Christmas is crazy for us every year.”

Customer: “It’s so loud. Why do people have to talk so loudly?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, it’s just because there are so many people.”

Customer: “Forget this! I’m turning off my hearing aid. You guys should really try to keep the noise level down.”

Me: “Right you are, sir! If that’ll be all, your total is [total].”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Your total, sir? It’s [total].”

Customer: “Speak up! I can’t hear you!”

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