Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [Store]. My name is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, ma’am, I was wondering if you had any Mario Karts?”

Me: “For the Nintendo Wii? No, ma’am, we are currently sold out.”

Customer: “Okay, but are you sure you don’t have any stocked up in the back that you’re ‘holding’ for someone?”

Me: “No, ma’am. We have none in stock whatsoever.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t think you’re helping me out too much with this sale.”

Me: “Ma’am? There’s not really much I can do.”

Customer: “No, I don’t think you UNDERSTAND. It is IMPERATIVE that I get this game for Christmas. You DO know what that means, right?”

Me: “I’m fully capable of understanding a four-syllable word, ma’am. However, that game has been a very hot item this Christmas, and has been nearly impossible to find. Im-poss-i-ble. You DO know what that means, right?”

Customer: “WHY DON’T YOU GO ABOVE AND BEYOND FOR YOUR CUSTOMERS?”

Me: “Ma’am, what more can I possibly do? We don’t have any physically in the store.”

Customer: “Well, thanks a lot! Now you’re gonna make me look like a bad Santa in front of my children!”

Me: “Ma’am, a good Santa wouldn’t have waited two days before Christmas.”

This story is part of the Mario-themed roundup!

Read the next Mario-themed roundup story!

Read the Mario-themed roundup!

This story is part of the Christmas Eve roundup!

Read the next Christmas Eve roundup story!

Read the Christmas Eve roundup!

(I am a customer at a cell phone store, observing the following exchange.)

Employee: “I’m sorry, sir, but your phone has water damage, which isn’t covered by the warranty. You will have to purchase a new phone.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! I haven’t gotten the phone wet!”

Employee: “Have you used the phone in the rain? Sometimes, that’s all it takes to get the internals wet enough to damage the device.”

Customer: “Well, yes, but that doesn’t make any sense! Cows are in the rain all the time and they don’t die!”

Employee: “…”

Me: *interjecting* “Sir, cows aren’t electronic devices.”

Customer: *storms out*

This story is part of our Somehow Even More Weather roundup!

Read the next Somehow Even More Weather roundup story!

Read the Somehow Even More Weather roundup!

Customer: “Your pumps are a lot slower than they used to be. It never used to take this long to pump $20 of gas.”

Me: “The pump speed hasn’t decreased; it just takes longer to get to $20 now that the price of gas is half what it used to be.”

Customer: “Well, I wish it would go up again so I could fill up faster!”

Customer: “Do you have a copy of [Book] in stock?”

Me: “Yes, we do. Would you like me to put it on hold for you?”

Customer: “Yes. Also, I was emailed a coupon that I’d like to use to buy that book, but my printer is broken. Is there anything you can do?”

Me: “Sure, just write down the coupon code and the amount you’ll be saving. As long as we can verify these two things in the system, our computers will allow the discount.”

Customer: “Should I draw the bar code for you?”

Me: “I’m sorry? Come again?”

Customer: “Would it help if I drew the bar code?”

Me: “No… the coupon code will do just fine.”

Customer: “Thanks!”

Me: “Hello there, how may I help you?”

Customer: “I would like a refund on this item, please.”

Me: “Okay, no problem, sir.”

(I start filling out a refund sheet.)

Customer: “Oh! I see that you’re left-handed!”

Me: “Yep!”

Customer: “I pity you…”

Me: “Um… and why should I be pitied, exactly?”

Customer: “How long did your parents live?”

Me: “Er… both of my parents are very much alive, sir.”

Customer: “Oh? What about your grandparents?”

Me: “I saw them a few days ago. They’re alive too, and in great health.”

Customer: “How old are they?”

Me: *telling him their ages* “They’re in great shape.”

Customer: “Then you will die at the age of 70!”

Me: “Here’s your refund, sir…”

Customer: “I wish it weren’t so… good luck to you.”

Me: “Okay…”