(A family group was checking in – one lady in the group started telling me about her husband’s recent death from cancer.)

Customer: “…and he was all eaten up with colon cancer, and he just died.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but that is really not any of my business. It seems like a very private matter….”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “I’m not comfortable hearing–”

Customer: “Are you a Christian?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “I knew it! You are evil and will burn in Hell. I’ll speak to your manager in the morning!”

Me: “Okay. That’s fine.”

Customer: “I hope you liked your former job.”

Me: “…”

(The group went to their rooms. A few minutes later, one of the adult daughters came to the desk.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

Customer’s Daughter: “I just came down because I wanted to see what pure evil looks like.”

Me: “…”

Customer: What’s the difference between this-” *holds up a steak of lamb* “and this?” *holds up a steak of calf*

Me: “Well, this one is from a lamb, and this one from a calf. It says so right here on the label.”

Customer: “But what part of the animal is that?”

Me: *points at the lamb* “Baaaa.” *pointing at the calf* “Moooo.”

Customer: *happily* “Oh, thank you so much!”

(A very pregnant customer and her small child walk up to the theater box office.)

Customer: *points at marquee* “Are these all the movies you got playing?”

Me: “Yep, I’d say so….”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll have three for [Movie].”

Me: “Are there any children in the group?”

Customer: *points to boy and pregnant belly* “Yes, two.”

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t charge for children age two and under… or unborn fetuses…”

Customer: “Okay… just one, then!”

(Upon finishing a transaction with a customer, I give her a printed receipt to sign, along with a foot-long novelty pen.)

Customer: *getting very excited* “Oh. My. God. I love this pen.”

Me: “Ha, yeah, it’s pretty cool.”

Customer: “No, you have no idea. I love this pen. Gigantic pens are my thing.”

Me: “Oh, well, that’s cool then.”

Customer: “Can I buy it from you? I collect gigantic pens.”

Me: “Well, it’s not exactly a sale item, and it’s the manager’s pen anyway, so–”

Customer: “But I collect them! And this one is just awesome. Here, I can trade you for my pen.”

Me: “No, I don’t think–”

Customer: *digs in her purse and thrusts a pen at me* “Here, look! It’s really nice and it writes really well. Look at this – it’s real wood! It’s a REALLY NICE PEN!”

Me: “I’m sure you’d rather have that nice pen than the manager’s giant pen.”

(The customer begins to awkwardly try and sneak the huge pen into her purse. I stare at her while she does this, and she stops.)

Customer: “All right, all right! But I’ll be back for it!”

Me: “I have no doubt that you will. Have a nice day.”

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [Store]. My name is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, ma’am, I was wondering if you had any Mario Karts?”

Me: “For the Nintendo Wii? No, ma’am, we are currently sold out.”

Customer: “Okay, but are you sure you don’t have any stocked up in the back that you’re ‘holding’ for someone?”

Me: “No, ma’am. We have none in stock whatsoever.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t think you’re helping me out too much with this sale.”

Me: “Ma’am? There’s not really much I can do.”

Customer: “No, I don’t think you UNDERSTAND. It is IMPERATIVE that I get this game for Christmas. You DO know what that means, right?”

Me: “I’m fully capable of understanding a four-syllable word, ma’am. However, that game has been a very hot item this Christmas, and has been nearly impossible to find. Im-poss-i-ble. You DO know what that means, right?”

Customer: “WHY DON’T YOU GO ABOVE AND BEYOND FOR YOUR CUSTOMERS?”

Me: “Ma’am, what more can I possibly do? We don’t have any physically in the store.”

Customer: “Well, thanks a lot! Now you’re gonna make me look like a bad Santa in front of my children!”

Me: “Ma’am, a good Santa wouldn’t have waited two days before Christmas.”

This story is part of the Mario-themed roundup!

Read the next Mario-themed roundup story!

Read the Mario-themed roundup!

This story is part of the Christmas Eve roundup!

Read the next Christmas Eve roundup story!

Read the Christmas Eve roundup!