(I am working in customer service, and a woman walks up with a Nintendo DS and her receipt. She has our protection plan purchased, so I send her to one of the agents to take a look at it.)

Agent: “Hello, ma’am, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “I need you to take a look at my son’s DS. It isn’t working anymore.”

Agent: “Well, let’s see here.” *opens the DS and clears his throat* “Uh, ma’am? There’s jelly in here…”

Customer: “Oh! I know! My son was playing his DS while eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and dropped it on the DS. Is it unfixable? Am I going to have to get a new one? Can I get a DSi instead?”

Agent: “We can’t do anything for it, actually.”

Customer: *starting to get angry* “Why not?”

Agent: “This protection plan does not cover accidental damage.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I am not paying for another DS! You’re doing something for me!”

Agent: “I’m sorry, but I can’t. Like I said before, we don’t cover anything accidental.”

Customer: “Then I did it on purpose! Will you fix it now?!”

Agent: *sliding the DS back to the customer* “No…”

(I work in the call center of a major insurance company.)

Customer: “I just received this form… What does it mean?”

Me: “That is letting you know how much interest income you received last year which we reported to the IRS.”

Customer: “But I don’t want the IRS to know!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re legally obligated to report that information to the IRS.”

Customer: “Do you do everything the government tells you to?!”

Me: “Umm… yes?”

(I’m a cashier at a grocery store and recently lost my voice. I just cashed out the following customer…)

Customer: *to supervisor* “She was very rude! She didn’t speak to me once during the order!”

Supervisor: “I apologize for the inconvenience, ma’am, but this cashier has lost her voice.”

Customer: *totally serious* “Oh. Are you looking for it?”

(Note: 1-1-2 is Germany’s version of 9-1-1.)

Me: “1-1-2, what’s your emergency?”

Caller: “Oh, my god! Help me! Help me!”

Me: “Calm down, please. Can you tell me what happened, if someone is hurt, and where you are?”

Caller: “I’m at home, and my brain stopped working!”

Me: “Your brain… stopped working? Sir, if your brain would stop working, you would be dead. Can you tell me exactly what happened? Are you bleeding?”

Caller: “No, no. But my brain stopped working! At least half of it! Oh, my god, will the other half stop working as well?! Will I die?! My wife was right! I can’t believe it!”

(At this point, I’m unsure what to do. The man is really in a state of panic, but sounds otherwise fine.)

Me: “Sir, is your wife at home? Can I speak to her? If not, please tell me exactly what you did when your… brain stopped working.”

Caller: “I watched soccer! And drank beer! My wife always told me ‘When you don’t stop that crap, your brain will stop working’ and now it did! I was sitting on the couch and turned my head to look at the clock and suddenly I can’t move my head anymore because the left side of my brain stopped working! Help!”

Me: “Sir, it sounds like you only cricked your neck!”

(I start describing him what a cricked neck feels like and he agrees that this is indeed his problem and that he’ll see a doctor in the morning. I’m about to end the call, when…)

Caller: “Hey, dude…”

Me: “Yes?”

Caller: “Is she right?”

Me: “Who?”

Caller: “My wife. You seem to know a lot about medicine and stuff, so can my brain really stop working from watching too much soccer and drinking beer?”

Me: “Well, alcohol is known for indeed killing brain cells when you drink too much, but you won’t–”

Caller: “Oh, my god! Thank you! I thought she was only kidding me, but when you say it, then I’ll stop! Thank you so much for saving my life! Thank you!”

Me: “Wait, I didn’t say–”

Caller: *hangs up*

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Caller: “I forgot the password for my computer. Can you help?”

Me: “Sure, let me just get your account information and you can enter a new password.”

Caller: *gives me her information*

Me: “Okay, you can enter a new password now.”

Caller: “Okay, done.”

Me: “Well, tha–”

Caller: “S***! I forgot it again!”