Me: “Okay, that will be $5.93 for the cigarettes.”

(The customer hands me a five-dollar bill, puts the cigarettes in her pocket and starts walking off.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but you didn’t give me enough money. You only gave me $5 and the total was $5.93.”

Customer: “Yeah, I gave you five.” *points at the money*

Me: “Yes, but the total is five dollars and ninety-three cents.”

Customer: *angrily* “Yeah, I gave you five dollars!”

Me: “It’s not enough. I need about a dollar more. Would you like to get something different or cheaper maybe?”

Customer: “No, I want this one!”

Me: “Well, I can’t sell these to you when you don’t have enough to pay for it.”

Customer: “Well, what am I gonna do?”

Me: “Go home and get more money?”

(Her expression suddenly brightens.)

Customer: “Oh! Yeah, okay! I’ll go do that I’ll be right back!” *gives cigarettes back and leaves cheerily*

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(I’m at my university’s computer help desk and have just fixed a problem on a student’s laptop.)

Me: *To student.* “…okay, that should get you online.”

Student: “Great, thanks!”

(A random student passes by, seeing the laptop.)

Random Passerby: “Wow! That laptop is huge!”

Me: “Erm…”

Random Passerby: “I bet you could use it as a weapon to smash someone’s head in!”

Me: “Uhh…”

Student: “Erm…”

Random Passerby: *walks off*

Me: *To student.* “Well, I bet you didn’t know THAT about your laptop.”

(My mom and I are leaving from the place where I took the test to get my driver’s license when we see another car drive-in. A man steps out of the car and talks to the lady in charge of giving the driver’s test. )

Driver: “I’m here to take my driver’s test.”

Employee: “Who drove you here?”

Driver: “I drove myself.”

Employee: “You drove yourself here to take the test to get your driver’s license?”

Driver: “Yes.”

Employee: “That could be a problem…”

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(Note: 1-1-2 is Germany’s version of 9-1-1.)

Me: “1-1-2, what’s your emergency?”

Caller: “Oh, my god! Help me! Help me!”

Me: “Calm down, please. Can you tell me what happened, if someone is hurt, and where you are?”

Caller: “I’m at home, and my brain stopped working!”

Me: “Your brain… stopped working? Sir, if your brain would stop working, you would be dead. Can you tell me exactly what happened? Are you bleeding?”

Caller: “No, no. But my brain stopped working! At least half of it! Oh, my god, will the other half stop working as well?! Will I die?! My wife was right! I can’t believe it!”

(At this point, I’m unsure what to do. The man is really in a state of panic, but sounds otherwise fine.)

Me: “Sir, is your wife at home? Can I speak to her? If not, please tell me exactly what you did when your… brain stopped working.”

Caller: “I watched soccer! And drank beer! My wife always told me ‘When you don’t stop that crap, your brain will stop working’ and now it did! I was sitting on the couch and turned my head to look at the clock and suddenly I can’t move my head anymore because the left side of my brain stopped working! Help!”

Me: “Sir, it sounds like you only cricked your neck!”

(I start describing him what a cricked neck feels like and he agrees that this is indeed his problem and that he’ll see a doctor in the morning. I’m about to end the call, when…)

Caller: “Hey, dude…”

Me: “Yes?”

Caller: “Is she right?”

Me: “Who?”

Caller: “My wife. You seem to know a lot about medicine and stuff, so can my brain really stop working from watching too much soccer and drinking beer?”

Me: “Well, alcohol is known for indeed killing brain cells when you drink too much, but you won’t–”

Caller: “Oh, my god! Thank you! I thought she was only kidding me, but when you say it, then I’ll stop! Thank you so much for saving my life! Thank you!”

Me: “Wait, I didn’t say–”

Caller: *hangs up*

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(I’m a cashier at a grocery store and recently lost my voice. I just cashed out the following customer…)

Customer: *to supervisor* “She was very rude! She didn’t speak to me once during the order!”

Supervisor: “I apologize for the inconvenience, ma’am, but this cashier has lost her voice.”

Customer: *totally serious* “Oh. Are you looking for it?”